


Dr. Tali Sullivan

by PastPresentFiction



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Loss, No Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:14:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 50,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23536627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastPresentFiction/pseuds/PastPresentFiction
Summary: I own nothing of the Supernatural work, but I do own my own character.Don't fault me for wanting to make John Winchester better...and to play around with all that hotness surrounding him.  Ugh.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Original Female Character(s), John Winchester/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 52
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

The first time I met the Winchesters, I was far too young for them to make an impression. I was around two years old, and if I struggled and pressed my memory that far back, I could ALMOST make out the couple’s only son, Dean, keeping me occupied with my set of wooden blocks. Almost.

The second time I met the Winchesters, I was four. This time I do remember, because my dad was helping John, the father cope with his overwhelming grief at losing his wife. I heard the words I would be destined to hear over and over from the entirety of my life. ‘Demon’, ‘vengeance’, and of course ‘hunter’.

My mom and dad both came from prestigious hunting families. And I’m not talking about big game or seasonal hunters. No, Mom and Dad were hunters of a completely different sort. They hunted all the terrors that regular people would think were tall tales or ghost stories. I was their only child, and while they expected me to learn to defend myself against the forces of evil, they didn’t press me to take up their cause. Since their families were so important, I had plenty of aunts and uncles that could take up any slack my leaving the ‘family business’ could possibly cause. Then there were the latecomers to the cause, men like John Winchester who lost a loved one to the terrors and vowed to end them.

And so, after a few more visits from the Winchesters- when I was seven, Dean had teased me for being so boring with my nose in a book the entire time. At twelve, when Sam kept asking me to borrow one book or another, vowing to adhere to all my rules about their care. At sixteen, when John blinked at me wondering out loud how could I possibly have gotten so big. Memories of the three Winchesters were scarce, but memorable.

Now here I was, twenty nine and had finally achieved my goal. Dr. Tali Sullivan, Professor of Lore and the Occult, with a side of Ancient Dialects and Historical Significance. I was shocked, when in the second week of my second year of teaching, I looked up and saw the eldest Winchester man looking down from a top row seat. I nearly lost my place in the lecture. Nearly, but not quite. I swallowed my reaction and went back to explaining how, even within various different cultures and countries, the myths shared and circulated, all seemed to have a single thread back to one story. And that one story, branching out and circling the globe, would mean what?

“Your assignment, which is laid out in your syllabus, is to explain how that one thread untangling and branching out, would do what?” I smiled at the faces that proved they’d all been listening, almost hearing the gears churning in their heads. “Impress me, prove you’ve done not only the reading, but the deductive reasoning. Now go enjoy the long weekend!” I dismissed the class and walked to the desk provided beside my lectern. I was shuffling my notes and speaking to a few students when John approached.

“Wow, Tali,” he breathed, looking me over in my comfy and casual clothes. Skinny jeans, dark band t-shirt, and a loose button down with a pair of knee high boots. My dark red hair piled up on my head in a loose knot, with my much needed glasses covering my strangely light green eyes.

Since he was openly assessing my appearance, I felt free to do the same. John was aging like a fine wine. Salt and pepper hair, rugged scruff hiding a jaw that I knew from the years was this side of chiseled. His hazel eyes crinkling at the corners with amusement, that damn dimple deep in his cheek. And flannel covered henley paired with well worn jeans and a pair of lived in boots. Damn, when did John become so fucking sexy?

“John,” I answered, leaning back in my desk chair. “What brings you around for a visit?” I was smiling, but I had to wonder.

He leaned his hip on the side of my desk. “I’m having some issues with a case, it’s not far away, and I called your dad. He mentioned you wrote your thesis on what I think I’m after-”

“I wrote my thesis on the Barghest,” I said, staring at him. “What would be hard to understand about a huge ass dog who eats people in the dark?” I was testing him, of course, making sure he was certain that was what his case entailed.

“I think we both know there’s more to them than that.” He sighed and ran his left hand through his hair. His wedding ring flashed in the overhead light and I lost the rush of lust had felt when I first saw him. “This thing, it’s searching out a particular type of victim, and it’s attacking-”

“Acts as an death omen first, marking the victim, daring it’s victim to come out and play, and when they do.” I made a chewing motion with my mouth. “The fun things left out of Harry Potter.” I sighed, and closed my eyes, blocking John from my sight. “What do you need to know? Or better yet, what did Dad say I could offer?”

I heard him chuckle. “For one, is there a way to stop it, without being given the omen of death?” I nodded, and he went on. “What is it? And your dad said you are a font of information on all kinds of rare shit, darlin’.”

I rolled my closed eyes. “You stop it by hunting it without actually crossing its path.” I heard him writing my words down, so apparently he had a journal with him. Good student. “Don’t cross its path by getting behind it, of course. Killing it? That’s a little more difficult. Here’s the ingredients, and how to put it together, don’t fuck it up, John. I’d hate for the boys to end up without you.” I rattled off the weapon and the ingredients that it had to be soaked in, the order, the time frame. “So take that, get behind it, and aim for the back of the neck. Not the heart, not the head, the back of the neck.” I opened my eyes to him watching me. “What?”

He shook his head, but when he spoke his voice was deeper and huskier. If I didn’t know any better- “Nothin’.” He put the tattered journal in a pocket of his jacket that I hadn’t noticed before, that was laying on the top of my desk. “What do I owe you for the information, Tali?”

I smiled. “Free of charge. It’s something I can give even if I turned my back on the ‘family business’.” I leaned forward to finish packing my notes away in my leather messenger bag. “Be safe, John.” I was dismissing him, just like I did my students.

“Let me take you out to dinner.” His offer startled me. “Least I could do, and I do have to soak the weapon at least overnight.” He stood silent, waiting for my answer.

And a stalemate ensued. I contemplated all the reasons I could give to not accept. How could I explain that dinner would be a terrible idea, since apparently he was sex on a stick and still hooked on his dead wife, or remarried for all I knew? “I think that’s a bad idea.” I said instead, the pregnant pause finally killing me. “Papers to grade.” Netflix to watch, food to nuke I included silently.

“Thought you said there’s a long weekend?” He replied, raising his eyebrow in challenge.

Well, fuck, Tali. He actually paid attention to the end of class. Shit. “Yeah, it is, but I have other classes, other papers. Can’t get behind, you know.”

He chuckled. “Still gotta eat, right?” I shrugged. “So eat with me. I promise to get you home as quickly as possible.” He put his left hand over his heart in pledge, and that ring flashed again.

I swallowed. It was dinner. Nothing more. And I was a grown ass woman, with a fucking PhD after all. It wasn’t like he was flirting. He just wanted to have company for dinner. “Sure.” I answered, pushing the last of my notes in my bag. I scribbled my cell number on a Post-It note and handed it to him. “Call me when you’ve gotten the weapon ready for its marinade, I’ll give you my address then.” I stood and yanked my bag across my body. “See you later, John.” I tossed my parting over my shoulder, hoping I wouldn’t regret agreeing.

HOURS LATER~ COMING HOME FROM DINNER

We were both laughing. I had told John about a really strange spell a witch had cast on my parents when I was a teenager, and while mortified at the time, found it funnier later on.

“So I walk into my house after school, and there they are, tearing their clothes off on our dining room table.” I closed my eyes and tried to calm my giggles to finish. “Like fucking teenagers, horny, gross parent aged teenagers.” His laughter was contagious. “I couldn’t eat in the dining room until I came back last Thanksgiving.” I gave a dramatic shudder.

John was walking me to the door of my house, and his chuckles were more free than they’d been when we first saw one another in my class. His hand rested on the small of my back, like a gentleman seeing a lady home. “God, I’m gonna have to riff him about that the next time I see him.” We reached my door and I pulled my keys free from my pocket. “Guess I should-”

I shook my head as I opened the door. “By my estimation that blade needs another twelve hours to soak.” I said, squinting in remembrance of the instruction I gave him. “Come in and have a cup of something-” He chuckled again, “I don’t drink coffee, but I have some instant, just in case.” I shrugged, and he nodded his agreement.

Over the threshold, I moved further into the house, listening as John shut and locked my door. I made my way to the kitchen, yelling back for him to make himself at home. I tossed my jacket and keys on the counter in the kitchen and made peace with John checking over the house. He’s a hunter, so I knew he was looking around with curiosity. He’d be checking entrances, exits, and probably just looking around to see what kind of research material I had on hand. I made a cup of instant coffee, heating the water in the microwave as I grabbed a glass and filled it with ice for a glass of soda.

When I walked out to the living room, John was sitting on the sofa. He’d tossed his jacket onto the wingback chair, and he looked comfortable. It was almost unnerving how comfortable he looked in my space. “I hope I made this right,” I offered him the coffee cup and sat down with my feet tucked under me on the other side of the sofa. Taking a sip of my soda, I sat it down on the coffee table and sat back. “Why aren’t Dean and Sam with you?” I asked, burning with interest since I saw him all alone in my classroom, but waiting until we were in a more private setting than the college or dinner afforded.

John took an appreciative sip of his own drink. “Not bad, Tali.” He mirrored my move and sat his own cup on the table in front of us and looked over at me. “Dean’s on his own hunt, with Bobby. Sam, well Sam’s away at Stanford.” I raised an eyebrow, surprised not by Sam’s aspirations, but because John entertained them. “It wasn’t pretty when he asked to go, not by a long shot, but I guess seeing you, here, outside of the business makes it more understandable.”

I nodded and asked the next obvious question. “What’s he studying?” I sank into the cushions of my sofa and studied him as he answered.

“Law,” he chuckled. “Might come in handy, especially where Dean’s concerned.”

I gave my own muffled laugh. “Guessing Dean hasn’t gotten his crap together yet?” I reached for my soda and felt John’s eyes on my every movement. Taking another sip, I chose to keep the glass in my hands. “I got lucky, I guess. Studying lore and history, that made it simple to move on from the family business, but still be able to help.” I sighed, and leaned back. “Keeps me from feeling too guilty for taking my parents up on the offer to choose myself over the greater good.”

John’s gaze hadn’t left me. “You shouldn’t feel guilty at all. Even if you’d chosen some other path.” He offered his own sigh and reached for his coffee cup. “The longer I do this, the more I realize that I’ve been an asshole for making the boys follow me.”

I scoffed. “Dean idolizes you, John. He has since the first time I can remember your visits fully.” I thought back to the golden haired boy and how his green eyes were always watching his Dad, mimicking his posture, his gestures. “In fact, I bet I could tell you what he’s wearing just by what you are.”

John raised an eyebrow. “Paid a lot of attention to my boy, did you?” I bit my lip and laughed at his expression.

“We’re the same age,” I shrugged. “Since you and Mom and Dad insisted that we socialize, it was hard NOT to pay attention to Dean.” I thought back to Dean’s not so subtle attempt, when I was sixteen, to try to get in my panties. “He was a bit much, if you know what I mean?”

It was his turn to laugh. “That’s Dean, alright.” He glanced over at me as he took another drink of coffee. “So did you two-”

I nearly spit out the drink I had just taken of my soda. Coughing, and trying to swallow around the shock of that implied thought, I took a moment to calm my shock. “NO.” I answered, loud enough that he knew how wrong the very idea of Dean and me was. “We didn’t have ANYTHING, John.”

His laughter shook my end of the sofa. I glared over at him, daring him to make me choke on the sip I was taking. “Sorry, honey, it’s just your face when I asked. It’s one of the few times I’ve seen a girl your age act like Dean was the plague.”

Girl my age? I snorted, having swallowed my drink. “Girl?” I raised an eyebrow at the older man. “I’m nearly thirty. Then again, a man YOUR age, isn’t that when the memory goes?”

It was his turn to choke on his drink. He sputtered and I giggled, watching him glare at me. “You insinuating that I’m old, little girl?” The tone he was using was dangerously low, but instead of frightening me, I felt a twist of lust building.

I shrugged. “You’re insisting I’m a little girl, aren’t you?” I smirked at him as he put his cup carefully on the coffee table.

“I might have to prove just how good my memory is,” he took my glass from me and sat it carefully down too. “Like,” he moved closer so I could feel the heat from his body. “The last time I saw you, you’d just turned sixteen. You came down the stairs wearing that little sundress with cherry blossoms all over it.” He leaned in, his nose sliding along my jaw. “And your perfume smelled like vanilla and cherry mixed together.” I felt his lips ghosting over my neck, not touching, not yet. “I remember that scent, because you hugged me and told me how happy you were to see me again. Not Dean, not Sam, but me.” His lips brushed against my pulse. “I knew at that moment, you’d be the ruin of me, Tali.”

I turned, and his lips found mine. I moaned into his kiss, feeling like I was on fire. His hands gripped my hips and pulled me from my seat and over onto his lap. Straddling him, I let my fingers slide through his hair. The stubble on his face was gloriously rough and burning against my skin. One of his hands gripped my waist the other pressed into my back, pressing me tight against his chest. My hips rocked against him, feeling his arousal grow.

Breaking the kiss, our faces inches apart, breath mingling, I could see how dark his eyes were. His chuckle rocked through me, and I smiled. “My ruin,” he muttered, standing up with me locked in his arms. Before I could point in the direction of my bedroom, he’d pressed me against the nearest bare wall. My legs wrapped around his hips as his lips found my neck. His body was hard against mine, and I moaned as he nipped the curve where my neck met my shoulder. “Fuck, Tali, we’re not even naked and I swear you feel like fire.” I rocked into his hardness and he groaned.

“It’s not that I,” I had to stop when he sucked at my pulsepoint to gather my wits to continue my thought. “Not that I don’t love how this feels.” Another roll of my hips and he growled into my skin again. “But my bed is right there.” I tilted my head toward the hallway next to us. I felt the curve of his lips against my flushed skin.

“I’ve held back for so fuckin’ long, baby girl,” his mouth was hot against the skin he could taste. His hips thrust into my covered need. “If you insist on a bed, though,” he sighed, “then my princess gets what she wants.” He carried me down the hallway and through the open door of my bedroom.

My fingers reached out and flicked on the lightswitch that controlled my side table lamps. Soft light filled the room as John’s mouth claimed mine again. I felt him lower me to my feet, but then it was a rush of clothes falling, mouths, tongues, and teeth tasting and kissing exposed skin. Fingers brushing against skin, mine teasing the muscles roped through his body, his the softness of my curves.

My eyes drunk him in as he lowered me onto my bed. He was gorgeous, sexy and being far more sensual than the wall fuck he’d been going for earlier. As his lips met my breast, I gasped and arched upward toward his mouth. His tongue flicked against my nipple and my fingers gripped his head. “You taste so fucking good, darlin’.” His breath fanned against my skin, and I felt a tightening in my stomach. “God, there’s so much I want with you. So much I want to do-”

I pulled his hair, drawing him up so he was hovering over me, face to face. “Kiss me, John.” And he did as my legs wrapped around his hips and forced him to lower further into me. “I can’t wait. Don’t make me wait,” I pleaded, and he took the demand in stride.  
He nodded, his forehead against mine. “Later, then,” he promised, himself and me. Then his hips lurched against me, our bodies joining FINALLY as though I were made for him. “Oh, Tali,” he moaned as I rolled my hips against him. “That feels-” And then words stopped, everything stopped except for him and me. Our bodies took over. Clutching one another, as though there shouldn’t even be air between us. His thrusts, my rocking hips, sweat and moans. Everything crashing over us all at once. Not overwhelming, not splintering our focus, just keeping us going and going.

It could have been seconds, minutes, or even hours, but we both felt the climb begin. The feeling that started when he whispered his memory of me, the feeling of our lips touching for the first time, the feeling of everything coming together exactly how it was supposed to. And then fire and stars and explosions. I’d always thought that was ridiculous writers imagining what sex and love were, but then I had it. And all I could think, as we held each other in the aftermath was how much I wanted it over and over.

We had the entire night, and John and I made sure we took advantage of the hours. We tasted one another, dipping back to foreplay once we’d recovered from our first round, then more and more and more. We finally fell exhausted in a tangle of limbs and kisses mere hours before dawn.

I didn’t expect him to be beside me when I woke. He had a job to do, after all, but I was surprised by the note. The promise of his return after the hunt. And when he followed through I nearly exploded by the mere sight of him at the front door. We had the entire weekend. Two full days, and three explosive nights before he had to go. This time I saw him off, kissed him goodbye and had another promise from him. That he’d be back. He had to, he swore, because having the nights we’d stolen weren’t enough. For him or for me.

Months passed. He’d text or call. And then nothing. No texts, no calls. His voicemail, when I bothered to call, advised to contact Dean if there was a problem. I didn’t worry. I understood how hunters lived. I knew that they lived hard and on the go. I knew that he’d come back, call again, text again when he could.

I was in my classroom giving another lecture when I looked up and saw Dean sitting with Sam in almost the exact same place their father had sat. My heart clenched. They wouldn’t be here, Sam wouldn’t be here if it were good news. I managed, through sheer force of will and the fact that my lectures were practically memorized by now, to finish the class. I barely noticed the other students file out, I had eyes only on the two Winchesters.

“Tali,” Sam greeted me, smiling the same awkward smile I remembered from our youth. “You look right at home at that lectern.”  
Dean's eyes were burning into me. “Have you heard from Dad?” That was Dean, not an ounce of tact in his entire body.

“Not for a couple of months,” I answered, smiling and moving back to my desk. Feelings of deja vu washed over me as I pulled my notes into a tidy pile. “Why? What’s wrong?”

Sam sighed, running a hand through his hair, so reminiscent of his dad. “He’s missing in action, Tal.” He looked down at me. “We found the last hotel room he was staying in and you were mentioned in his journal.”

Ah, yeah, the work I helped him with. “Yeah, he came to me about a Barghest. I helped him with the right weapon and the right place to shove it in to kill it.” Shrugging, hoping that was all that John put in his journal, I glanced at Dean.

“He mentioned that, and also,” he pulled the battered journal I’d watched John tuck into his jacket in this very room. I saw a sticky note with my phone number on it in my writing. “Her eyes are still so light that they look straight through me, and those lips-”

I stopped them with a raised hand and felt my face blush. “Yeah, about that.” I swallowed hard and looked up to two far too interested Winchesters. “Look, John and I, we had a-” World changing connection that I hoped would turn into something, but he’s a hunter and I’m a professor. We settled for a weekend of passion and love, and now he’s gone? Yeah, try harder. “We made the most of a long weekend.” That damn blush was so hot I felt like I was on fire. “I haven’t heard from him in a month or so.”

Dean was looking at me like I’d grown fangs, or another head. “Our DAD?” He also looked a tad green around his gills. “You and Dad?” He tried to wrap his head around it, but shook it off. “And he stayed in touch?”

“Yeah, we’d text and call almost daily.” I said, putting my papers away, feeling my shame die out. What the hell? I loved John, there wasn’t anything wrong with that. “Unless he was in the middle of a hunt. That was the last text I got, actually.” I pulled my phone out of my pocket and opened up my messages. Clicking on John’s number I pulled it up. Handing it over to Sam, I finished gathering my stuff together.

Sam read the last message, respecting my privacy, but Dean took a turn and I saw a swipe. “Hey!” I admonished. “You never swipe another person’s phone,” I yanked it from his hand, and put it back in my pocket. “The last message was the only one you needed to see.”

Dean was licking his lips, fuck, I knew exacty which text he saw. “Well, we need to be thorough. Dad’s missing after all.”

I glared up at him. “Sure.” I brushed past them, and shook my head again. “Well, now what you’ve been THOROUGH, you know I don’t know where he is.” I waved a hand to show them I was finished with the conversation.

Of course they weren’t. I’d barely gotten comfortable at home when I heard the knock. Fuck. Opening the door, there they stood. “What now?” I asked, exasperated. “You saw what you saw. I don’t know anything else.”

Dean pushed past me into the house, Sam waited to be invited. Rolling my eyes I gestured for him to come in too. We stood awkwardly in my entryway. I waited for one of them to break the silence. Sam was the first.

“Look, Tali, we get that you don’t think you know anything, but you might.” He was trying to calm my irritation down. Irritation and worry. Worry that John was hurt or worse. “Can we sit?”

I nodded and walked them into my living room. I took the chair and they sat on the sofa. A sofa that months ago John and I had started on. Shaking the image away, I considered all the talks and texts we’d shared. Nothing strange or concerning came to mind. “I’m sorry, John and I, we were talking normal hunting research, when we discussed it.” I refused to blush again. “He mentioned only that he might be out of touch for a while, but not where he was going. And then when I felt that too much time had passed, I tried to call, but-”

“You were told to call me,” Dean finished. “Why didn’t you?” He sounded almost accusatory.

“Because,” I sighed. “I figured that maybe John started to regret it. Us. Me.” I looked up and saw that he was uncomfortable. “If there’s one thing I’m not, Dean, it’s a clingy ex.”

“You said you talked about normal hunting research,” Sam picked up the conversation. “Do you remember what cases?”

I nodded and went to the desk in the corner of the room. “I keep records of all of those types of things. I help a lot of hunters with the more obscure demons and do bads.” I grabbed my planner. Flipping back to the first day we’d met at the college, I handed it over to Sam. “It starts there,” I used my finger to point out the shorthand I used for John, “and if you flip through it, you’ll see when and where he called from, and what hunt he’d discussed.” I sat back down as they flipped through it. “Not every contact is in there, since not all of them were work related.”

Sam nodded, but Dean’s mood seemed to grow worse. “Do you have a calendar to keep track of those too?” He snarked. I glared at him and shook my head. “Isn’t that disappointing.”

I snorted at his demeanor. “It wouldn’t help you find him. They overlapped. Usually it was a call before he got the next case, and a call after to make sure I knew he was safe.” I raised an eyebrow to match the one he had, daring him to make another comment.  
“Can I keep this?” Sam asked, drawing my attention back to him. “Or copy it?”

“You can copy it, but I have to keep it. John isn’t the only hunter that I help with research. That’s the record I use to keep track of it.” He nodded. “If you follow me back to campus, I can get you one, or if you want me to, I guess I could scan it here and give you those copies?”

“Email it,” Sam offered, and I took the planner back and moved back to my desk to start. I hadn’t realized he’d followed me until I felt him sit in my chair. “Was he happy?” His voice was quiet, and I knew that Dean was still on the sofa.

“Yeah, he was.” I smiled, remembering how playful John had been when I’d said goodbye on my porch. “He was also coming to terms with your future, though it would seem that’s on hold now?”

He swallowed and I finally realized how tired he looked. “Something like that.” He glanced up at me and I saw such pain. “I just really need to find him, Tali. We both do.”

“I hope this helps then,” I said, as the last page scanned. “Here,” I unlocked my desktop and opened my email. “Just type in your email, and the pages are there,” I pointed at the icon. I turned back to see that Dean was still watching us, me. I sighed. Then I went back to the chair I’d taken when we got to the room. “What happened to him?” I asked, almost whispering, and gesturing with my head at Sam.

“The same thing that happened to Mom.” He barely moved his lips and I closed my eyes. “I don’t understand you and Dad, but we have to find him, Tali.”

I nodded. “You’ll have the pages, and I’ll make some calls.” I offered, knowing that the Winchesters would always be surrounded by pain and death. I just hoped that John wasn’t a fatality already. “I’ll let you know if I learn anything.”

Sam was back and they finally left after I assured them one more time that I’d try to learn something for them. My back was pressed to the closed front door as I listened to them walk down the steps. I felt the tears that I had been feeling build since I saw the two of them at the top of my classroom finally break free. Sobbing, I had to hope that John was alright, that he would be found. That he’d come back to me.


	2. The Pain of Knowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been months since John Winchester went missing. Months since Dean and Sam showed up on Tali Sullivan's doorstep to tell her. And now...Now she knows.

I was alone in my house when the call came in. It had been eight months and twelve days since Sam and Dean had shown up in my classroom, a horrible mimicry of when John had sat in the same spot months earlier for the first time. A visit that had haunted me from that moment. A visit telling me that they hadn’t heard from him. Learning that John was missing, that his silence toward me wasn’t on purpose necessarily, created a pit in my stomach that kept growing once they left and I heard nothing from them.

I’d just gotten back to my house after my parents had insisted on a visit. Mom knew, when I’d called to check with her and Dad whether they’d had contact with John how tied in knots I was. Having hunters for parents meant that they saw and heard everything. Especially the things you’d rather they didn’t. Mom had known how I felt about John Winchester since I was sixteen. The same time, apparently, that he’d taken notice of me. And that’s why, when John came to them to ask about the Barghest, Mom had insisted he come speak to me. Dad had a copy of my thesis, and I think he had a copy of my notes that included everything I’d shared with John about the ways to elude and kill one.

When I’d called to see if John had contacted my parents after Sam and Dean had shown up asking me for more information, Mom had heard my distress and knew that he and I had given in to our mutual attraction. And when summer hit, when I had no classes or responsibilities at my school, they demanded I come for a visit. Dad was a bit weirded out when I took a look at the dining room table and flinched, remember how John had wanted to tease him about that witch’s spell. He couldn’t understand, not everything he noticed that seemed to bring me pain, but Mom did. She’d find time to take me away from the house, trying to get me to talk about it. About John and me, and what happened. But I couldn’t.

Talking about it, reliving the good would seem too much like I’d given up on him returning. That I would be talking through the memories and saying a permanent goodbye. I wanted to hear his voice again. I wanted to feel his body against mine, his lips pressed against my lips as he smiled through making love to me. If I shared with my mom, it would be admitting there was a chance he wouldn’t come back to me. That he could be gone, that he could be permanently gone. And I wouldn’t do that, not yet.

When the call came from Ellen Harvell’s Roadhouse, I assumed she was calling to tell me a new unknown hunter was being sent to me for information about another rare creature. Instead, her words chilled me to the bone. My hope of hearing John’s deep voice left. My wish that I’d feel him wrapped around me as we drifted off to sleep after making love repeatedly during one of his visits evaporated. And I could barely hear her calling my name through the line, asking if I was alright, if I could let my parents know since they hadn’t answered their phones and she figured they were on a hunt.

My lips were numb. My body was so cold that I felt like Death had crept up and taken me too. I managed to mutter my assurances to Ellen that I’d tell Mom and Dad. I managed to sign off and I managed to make it to my couch before I collapsed in grief. I didn’t cry. No sobs came. It felt like I was in a nightmare, and if I just sat still, if I just stayed quiet, then I’d wake up and still be with my parents. That it was a dream, a terrible dream, brought on by my fears of the silence from him for months. That my mind had manufactured the worst case scenario and was torturing me with it. But I didn’t wake up.

The sun was shining through my living room curtains. I could hear the birdsong outside. Children running through the neighborhood screaming and having fun on the final days of summer vacation. All of it mocked me. The laughter, the sunlight, and the birds. They screamed, as loudly as those kids were screaming encouragement to one another in their games, that the world was still turning. That everything continued on, even as my heart was breaking over and over.

The phone rang again a few days later. Mom. I’d left the message that Ellen felt she couldn’t. And my mom had heard my torment loud and clear. She’d reached out to John’s sons. John’s body was gone, as was the way of a hunter, salted and burned and GONE. I’d have no final goodbye. They were vague about WHERE they’d burnt him. I couldn’t even visit the spot. I couldn’t take a moment, standing where he’d been wrapped for our traditional funeral pyre, and close my eyes to remind myself it had been real. That he and I had been REAL. Because in death, even that was erased.

“Tali, sweetheart, you still have a week before classes start.” Mom was saying, and I fought to keep my attention focused on her voice, on her words. “Come home, honey, let me take care of you.”

“I’m fine,” I blinked back the tears that were finally threatening making an appearance. “I have to go over my curriculum, the dean asked me to add a few more classes to my schedule.” All true, yet I had already prepared. I wanted to be alone. Alone with my pain and sorrow. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” I begged off the call.

Speaking hurts. Even if it wasn’t about John. Even if it was benign and commonplace. I knew because I’d barely been able to make polite noises during errands. I wasn’t here, in this world, not completely. I had so many questions. How? How had John died? Why? Why was he taken from this world? And most importantly to me, why hadn’t Sam or Dean called me and told me?

I knew, even if I didn’t want to acknowledge it, why they hadn’t. John and I, we weren’t something that his sons could fathom or condone. I wasn’t their mother, I was Dean’s age. I was everything that neither of them could have wanted for their dad. And for that, I was left off of the contact list.

Classes began, and I was lucky that I had my lectures memorized. I knew my classes and the topics by rote, but I also knew that my students were confused by the monotone way I was bringing the information to them. My class was popular because I was engaging. Or I had been.

“Dr. Sullivan?” End of class, everyone was gathering their paraphernalia from the second year portion of my class when one brave soul finally decided to ask the question hovering over their heads. “Are you alright?”

I focused on the young man in front of me. He reminded me of a mixture of Sam and Dean Winchester. Unsure and lanky like Sam, but rumpled and cute like Dean and my heart clenched. I fought to recall his name and found it after a moment. “I’m fine, Hank.” I tried to assure him, but even the reassurance sounded limp to me. “It’s been a long couple of months.”

“It’s just-” he stopped and took a breath. “Your class, the way you teach it, usually we all know you’re with us. And it seems like-”

I sighed, and shuffled my papers on the lectern. “I know,” I nodded, why deny it? “I’ve been working through a few-” I closed my eyes and I could see flames. “A good weekend’s rest, and I’ll be good as new.” I didn’t know if the promise was for him or me. “Have a good weekend, Hank. I’ll see you Monday.” Dismissed. And he knew it.

“You too, Dr. Sullivan.” He walked away and I felt like the weight on my shoulders got heavier.

I’d been home only about an hour when my phone rang. Looking at the ID, I sighed. “Hello, Bobby.” I answered, grabbing the glass of iced tea I just poured and going to my desk. “What’re you working on?”

I heard his rough chuckle on the other end. “Do you got all my damn numbers saved in that phone of yours?” He asked, and I smiled despite myself, but it was fleeting. “Never even let me get in a ‘hello’.” I sighed and waited. “How are ya, Tali?” I closed my eyes and considered how to answer.

“Been better,” I answered, taking a sip. “What big nasty has you baffled, Bobby?” Back on track, Tali, keep him on track so you don’t have to think about your feelings or pain.

“I’m not.” His voice was different so I waited. “Look, Dean and Sam are here-”

I felt the now constant burn of tears in my eyes. “Ah, how are they? Give them my sympathies.” I’d returned to the flat tone from my classes, shutting down easily.

“Better yet, sweetheart, how are you?” He sounded concerned enough to let me know that he knew. “John,” he sighed and I remembered how the two of them had enough back and forth to make their relationship ‘complicated’. “He made some mistakes, but he was a good man, Tali.” I felt my heart clench. “He’d have wanted these two idjits of his to check on ya.”

I snorted. “It’s OK, Bobby, I understand why they didn’t.” I shook my head and brushed an errant tear away. “I’ll be fine,” another promise, and I still didn’t know who I was making it to. “I should get back to-”

“Tali Sullivan, don’t you try to bullshit me.” Bobby sounded tired of my shit, which was odd, since he’d called me. “I changed your diapers once upon a time and I know precisely how you bottle shit up.” Weird analogy, Bobby Singer, weird imagery. “Ya gotta face it, sweetheart, head first. Trust me, not facing it, not letting it out ain’t gonna do you any damn good.”

“I never got to say goodbye,” I whispered and I could hear the pain in my voice, for once. “I never got to tell him-”

“He knew, sweetheart, trust me.” Bobby stopped me. “John Winchester wasn’t born a hunter like your family, but he had the same instincts and the same damn laser focus on details. He knew you loved his sorry ass as surely as you knew he loved you.”

“Do I?” I asked, and there it was, the real pain. He was gone and we’d never told one another. “Do I know that he loved me?” If I thought the pain was bad before, this was almost unbearable. “I don’t know how he died, Bobby. I don’t know where they sent him off. I don’t know where he’d been before he died.” I closed my eyes fighting the image of flames from burning me alive from the inside out. “Months and months of silence that was broken by a phone call from the Roadhouse. That’s not love, Bobby, I don’t know what that is, but it’s not love.” I didn’t stay on the phone much longer. I’d hit my limit.

I spent the weekend locked in pain. I didn’t venture outside my house. I didn’t answer the phone, no matter who called. I wallowed. I let it flow through me like the flames that destroyed John Winchester’s body. I let it overtake me and I let it be my sole focus. Pain, grief, loss, sorrow, and regret all wrapped up in memories of John and I locked up in one another.

Sunday came too soon, the morning burning bright, and the day looming up as one more day of anguish. At noon I heard a knock on the door, but I was wrapped up on the couch staring at my ceiling fan turning slowly and remembering that first night and this couch. The knock turned into a pounding. Shouts added to the ignored pounding, until finally I couldn’t ignore the noise any longer.

Sighing, I pushed up from my prone position and slumped to the door. When I opened it, I realized that I hadn’t focused on the sound of the voice shouting, and I should have. I should have focused and kept right on ignoring the noise. Standing on my doorstep was Dean Winchester and he was looking about as angry at me having kept his ass waiting as I felt at seeing him standing on my doorstep after hearing about John’s death from Ellen Harvelle.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I growled, glaring at him and feeling for the first time in who knew how long anger instead of pain. “How fucking dare you.” And then I slammed the door in his fucking face and stalked back to my living room.

I forgot to lock the damn thing apparently, because he was inside my house and standing over me in seconds. “How fucking dare I?” He looked like a looming storm over me. “I was on that fucking porch for close to a damn hour, Tali.” He was pissed, and I didn’t care. “I was out there thinking you’d done something stupid like-”

I raised an eyebrow. “Me? Do something fucking stupid?” I stood up and poked him in his chest. “I have a doctorate you rancid asshole.” Poke. “I teach MULTIPLE fucking classes daily to a group of students that sit RIVETED to the sound of my fucking voice.” Poke. “I help people with the rarest fucking creatures and demons from hell that NO ONE fucking studied for DECADES.” Poke. “And YOU, Dean fucking Winchester, can’t even fucking work out how to use a fucking PHONE to let me know-” I lost steam, John had crept in again and I felt myself sink.

“Ah, shit,” Dean’s arms wrapped around me and pulled me to his chest. My head was cradled in his hand as he tried to calm the sobs that had unleashed again. “I’m sorry, Tali, fuck. We should have-” I pulled away as I realized how much he smelled like John. “I thought he’d called you.” He swallowed hard and his eyes pinched. “Sam and I, we thought he’d have checked in with you when he came back.”

I sat down on the sofa and felt my heart ripping out of me again. “He didn’t.” Weak, but true. “Guess he didn’t think I was worth the time.” And that hurt, so fucking much. “I just need-”

“Time?” Dean sat next to me, and pulled me into his side. It felt like he needed the comfort of comforting me. “Tali, I don’t know if you know this, but that ‘time heals all wounds’ shit is fucking bullshit.” I felt him prop his chin on my head. “It’s gonna hurt for a long fucking time. I still miss Mom, and I still feel it, that fucking pain.”

The tears hadn’t stopped flooding my eyes, but the sobs were over. “Did he at least kill it?” I had a theory that I knew precisely what John had died hunting. “Did he end it?”

“No.” Fuck. It had been a worthless sacrifice, his death. If he couldn’t avenge his wife’s death, then what was the fucking point. “He-” I heard him take a deep breath. “He died for me.” What? “He made a deal-”

I pushed away from Dean. “He made a deal?” My voice was hushed. A deal only meant one thing. He’d given his life for Dean’s and now, now he was in Hell. My eyes closed as more pain rushed over me. John Winchester, tormented in Hell was something my mind and heart couldn’t handle. I felt a scream rushing up my throat, but fought it. More tears, fuck would I ever run dry?

“He told me-” Another deep breath. “It’s Sam, Tali.” My eyes opened and locked on Dean’s matching green ones. “Dad told me something and I need your help.”


	3. Help Comes at a Price...But Who's Paying?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean Winchester finally made contact with me. Months too late. And the pain was still far too fresh, but when he asks for help, can I turn him down? He's a hunter. It's a price I agreed to when I stepped away from the family business. Why does it feel like such a steep debt suddenly?

I sat back on the couch. Drying my eyes and waiting for Dean to explain. I’d moved away from him. Comfort or not, I couldn’t stand how much he smelled like John. It hurt. Like feeling like he was here when he would NEVER be here again.

“Before you tell me about Sam,” I swallowed and swiped my face with another tissue, catching the remaining leaking. “Where did you-”

Dean shot me a look and realized what I wanted to know. He looked uncomfortable. “We buried his tags at the same cemetery where Mom is.” I nodded, that made sense. “I’m sorry, Tali, if I’d known Dad hadn’t-”

I shook my head. “It’s fine.” It wasn’t, but dwelling on it didn’t help. Wouldn’t help. “Now what about Sam.”

He explained and I listened to what he’d learned, not only from John’s warning, but since that day in the hospital. “Dad said that I had to watch out for Sam and take care of him.” I nodded, Dean had done that from the moment that Mary had died. “To save him.” Wait, from what? “And if I couldn’t,” he swallowed hard and he looked like he’d gone green in the gills. “He wants me to kill Sam, Tali. Dad wanted me to know that if I can’t save my baby brother from whatever the hell Dad thinks he needs saving from, I have to kill him.” SHIT.

Damn it John. “He didn’t give you any idea of what you needed to save Sam from, at all?” Dean looked pained. “What did Sam say to all this?” I’d never seen Dean with pinched lips before, but now I could mark it off my bucket list. “You haven’t told him.” Shit. Fuck. “You have to.”

“No, Tali,” Dean started to argue.

“Dean Winchester,” He stopped. “Your father was the MASTER of lack of communication, and I get that you have taken hero worship of him to an obscene level,” he raised an eyebrow and started to speak, but I held up my hand. “Don’t pick this trait to mimic, Dean. Don’t do it.” He closed his mouth and studied me. “I will never know how your dad might have felt-” that punch of pain in my chest that would always accompany the regret of that knowledge. “About me. I never got to say goodbye, or tell him-” I swallowed back another flash of pain. “Don’t do that to Sam. The two of you, the ONE constant the two of you have always had, is one another. Don’t keep it from him, don’t carry the burden alone. John, your dad, carried so much pain and guilt and look at how much he missed.” I was blinking back tears again.

“Tali,” he tried to reach for my hand, but I stood up. “Dad, before he told me about Sam, he-” I looked down at him and knew. John had managed to make a bit of peace with Dean. “He told me he was proud of me. He told me not to be scared.” I snorted and Dean looked up at me in surprise.

“I’m sorry.” I offered, still blinking back my tears. “I’m glad John finally told you that he was proud, but that was a shit thing, telling you NOT to be scared and then telling you that killing Sam might become a reality for you.” Fucking John Winchester, one step forward, four steps back. “Don’t become him, Dean.” It hurt to say it. To put into words the pain I felt over the loss of him, yet the absolute certainty that he could have saved so much fucking pain if he’d just opened up more to the people he really did love. “Don’t lock it down and put the hunt ahead of everything. FEEL. Tell people how you feel. Tell them goodbye like it’s the last time you’ll ever see them or speak to them, and for God’s sake, if you love someone, don’t leave it unsaid.”

Dean left before darkness fell. He’d had a call from Sam, who I learned was getting premonitions now. He only left after I promised to answer his calls. And before he walked away, he said goodbye. He hugged me tight and promised me to check in. To let me know what he’d learned, and begged for me to find something, anything to help him save Sammy.

I got better at pushing the grief down. I became more animated during my classes, and I started researching ANYTHING that John might have meant when he gave Dean that cryptic fucking warning. I researched the Yellowed Eyed Demon, finding out more about Azazel, Ramiel, Dagon, and Asmodeus. They are higher tier demons, known for yellow eyes and their rank as Princes of Hell (well, Dagon was a ‘Princess of Hell’ I suppose, since she was female). Lucifer himself had a hand in their turning. That type of power, coupled with the extra information I managed to drag out of Dean about what he’d gone through prior to John’s death. The power of this demon, the ability to act as a deal maker, and yet flinch off the other ways that most demons get cornered in. Shit.

When the phone rang after my class, I didn’t have to look at the ID to know it was Dean. It was around the same damn time he called every damn day. “Hello, Dean.” I answered, walking toward my house. “How’s the case?”

“Ever hear of Croatoan?” I’m fine, Dean, thanks for asking. “Because for fuck’s sake, Tali, I feel like I’m in the middle of a damn Romero movie.”

“Zombies? What do zombies have to do with the lost colony of Roanoke?” I asked, shifting my messenger bag so it balanced out better during my short walk home. “I thought you were in Oregon?”

“Pretty damn sure they aren’t fucking zombies, but they’re definitely not normal.” He grunted and I heard a strange noise in the background of his call. “Sam caught sight of the word of ‘Croatoan’ carved in a telephone pole.” Bit by bit, that was Dean. Like pulling damn teeth sometimes. “Dad’s journal mentioned a demon associated with the name.”

“The plague and pestilence one.” I nodded, pulling out my keys as I walked up my walkway. “Makes sense,” I shrugged, I didn’t find the need to research demons that had been beaten into the ground by academia. “Tell me what you’re dealing with so I can work my head around what you’ve got.” He did as I walked inside the house, carefully navigating my salt line and flipping on lights after locking the door behind me. I dropped my bag on the couch and headed toward the kitchen as I listened to Dean’s report. “Yeah, that sounds like demonic germ warfare.”

“Do you have any idea of what we should do?” He asked, and I had to close my eyes against the similarities between the gruffness of his voice and John’s.

“Yeah, leave.” I heard him inhale. “Roanoke DISAPPEARED Dean. No one has any information on what the hell happened. Other than the demon’s name. No way to exorcise it or how it infects or works its bad mojo. There’s no fix for this.” I sighed, feeling useless. “Keep the blood of the infected from any of your bodily openings, and DON’T let them wound you to give you a new entrance for the infection.” I poured myself a glass of juice. “Sorry, Winchester, but this one is pretty much a blank page for me.”

“Shit.” Dean growled. “The entire town?”

I gasped. “They’re ALL infected?” Shit was right.

“No, but, enough.”

I closed my eyes and felt like a hand was gripping my heart and twisting. “Get out. Get Sam and leave. Now.” I opened my eyes and put down the glass of juice feeling nauseated. “Seriously. Leave.”

“I’ll call you later, Tali. Goodbye, sweetheart.” Damn it. Damn you, Dean Winchester, using my fucking words against me.

“You’d better fucking call, Dean. Bye.” He hit ‘end’ first and I sat down hard at my kitchen table. The Winchester men would be the literal fucking death of me.

It was the early morning, and by early I mean pre-sunrise, when my cell rang. I groped for it on the nightstand where it was charging, finally hitting ‘answer’ before it could go to voicemail.

“What?” I was groggy. I was tired and I was scared. No good ever fucking came from an early as fuck phone call.

I heard a chuckle and rolled my eyes. “I promised, Tali.” Damn it, Dean. “We made it out, I wanted to let you know, so you wouldn’t worry.”

“Ugh.” I pulled the phone away from my face to try to focus on the time showing. “It’s two o’clock in the fucking morning, Dean.” I sat up and managed to figure out how to flick on the lamp. Blinking against the minimal, yet fucking bright light, I groaned and yawned. “I only finally passed out an hour ago.” Shit, fuck.

Another quiet laugh. “I wanted to hear your voice.” Um, no. We will NOT be doing that. He sighed. “Tali, I had to hear your voice and KNOW we made it.” Ah, thank God for that clarification. “I told him.”

I squinted. He told him? Him who? Him what? “You told him?” An hour of sleep after HOURS of worry and fear didn’t help my mental processes.

“Sam.” Ah, I waited. “I told him what Dad told me.” I swallowed and let the silence grow. “He’s-”

“Confused, upset?” I answered, coming awake a bit more. “It’s understandable.”

“Yeah,” Dean sounded tired. “I should let you get back to sleep, Tali. Goodnight.”

“Night, Dean.” I swallowed against the pain of knowing that I shouldn’t feel this much for the two of them. The fear and worry. I was nothing to them. Nothing at all, passing acquaintances from childhood, that was all. “Let me know-”

“I’ll call you tomorrow, sweetheart.” That word again. “Night.”

The call ended and I sat there, in the dim light of one bedside lamp, staring at my phone and wishing like hell that I could talk to John one fucking last time.


	4. The Return of the Winchester Boys...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean had told Sam. Sam had run off. And now, here I was, laying in my own damn bed curled around...

I only had two classes the next day. After answering a few questions my first year students had about the next assignment, I started off toward home. Pulling my cell phone out as I adjusted my bag across my shoulders I saw I had multiple missed calls and voicemails blinking at me. Damn it.

I listened as the messages played through.

“Tali, fuck, he’s gone.” Dean? “Sam’s gone. I woke up in the motel and he wasn’t here, he hasn’t come back, and he’s not answering his cell. Do you still think it was a good idea to tell him?” Shit. “Call me if you hear from him, please. Maybe he’ll turn to you for- shit I don’t know.”

A few toss away calls from other hunters telling me the research I gave them had panned out. I waited through those, and then, Ellen Harvelle’s voice came on.

“Tali, call me, immediately.” That was it. The message. Cryptic. Short. Fuck.

I clicked on the Roadhouse's number in my recent missed call list and waited as it rang. “Roadhouse.” She barked on the other end and I smiled.

“Ellen?” I heard shuffling in the background of her call. And then she was back. “What’s going on?”

“Tali, I promised not to call Dean, but damn it, someone has to let him know.” A flash of fear ran through me. Shit. “Sam Winchester is here, and he’s not acting right.”

I snorted, when had a Winchester man ‘acted right’? “I’ll give Dean the heads up.” I waited, because Ellen sighed. “Is there more?”

“He’s asking Ash some questions, research questions and they aren’t-” Shit. He went to Ash instead of me. Fuck.

“What has Ash told him?” I asked, walking up my porch steps. Ash was a great researcher, but he wasn’t known for always putting as much forethought in his answers as he could. She whispered what she’d heard so far and I sighed. Fuck fuck fuck. “Great. Thanks for telling me, Ellen.” I promised to call her that I’d call Dean and she also made me promise to let her know if Jo contacted me.

“Postcards aren’t enough,” she whispered and I nodded as I opened my front door. “Damn hunting genes. Why couldn’t all our kids turn out like you?” I grinned despite my fear for Sam.

“Because everyone else wants to follow in their hero's shoes, Ellen.” I sighed as I closed the door behind me. “Let me know if anything else pops up.”

We said our goodbyes. And I was still leaning against my front door as I contemplated my choices. Call Dean first, letting him know where Sam was and why, or call Sam and see if he picked up? Sam won this round.

I hit the number that Dean had given me ‘just in case’. I was shocked when he answered. “Tali.” Damn it, didn’t any of these people know how to say ‘hello’? “You doing Dean’s dirty work now?”

I rolled my eyes. “You could have left him a note.” I answered, figuring we were far past the pleasantries. “You’re making me look bad, Sam.”

“How?” I started moving into my house. Tossing my bag, walking to the kitchen for a drink. Walking home was thirsty work.

“I pushed him to tell you, and he does, and what do you do? Run the fuck away. How the fuck does someone your fucking size sneak out of a motel room?” I shook my head as I studied the contents of my fridge. “Fucking Winchester men.” I muttered, as I pulled out a can of soda.

I heard his chuckle and rolled my eyes. “We’re a bunch aren’t we?” He sighed. “I need to know-”

“So you rushed off to Ash?” I popped the top of my can and took a drink. “I’m fucking hurt, Sam. After all, I have a fucking doctorate in this shit.” I leaned against the counter and shut my eyes. “He’s scared, Sam. He lost- You both lost-” I stopped, feeling that same piercing pain that I guess was permanent anytime I thought of John.

“Tali,” Sam’s voice was a breath. “We ALL lost Dad. Me, Dean, YOU.” I felt the tears burning again, but fought them. “I just need to know-” I heard him take a deep breath. “I need to know he didn’t die in vain.”

“Oh, Sam.” I sighed and opened my eyes. “John wouldn’t think that dying for one of you was in vain, no matter what he had to do to save either of you.” I took another sip of my drink and considered my next words. “I have to tell him, Sam.”

“I know.” He sounded resigned. “Did he ask you to-”

“To tattle?” He snorted and I smiled. “Of course.”

“No, to look into what Dad told him,” his voice was back to whispering. “Why would Dad make a deal with old Yellow Eyes?”

I swallowed the sip I’d taken as he asked. “Yes.” I wasn’t a Winchester, I didn’t need to hone my communication skills. “He asked, and I did. If you come visit, WITH Dean I’ll give you what I found.” I was bargaining. I didn’t care.

“I can’t make you a promise just yet, Tali, there’s something-” He inhaled loud enough for me to hear it. “Something’s wrong here, and I have to take care of it first.”

“Fine, but you can expect a visit from Dean soon.” I didn’t say goodbye, he’d pissed me off by being JUST like the other two. Damn them all.

I finished my soda and clicked on Dean’s number. I swear it barely rang once. Fuck. “He’s with Ellen.” Hell, no one ever said ‘hello’ to me, might as well get on the wagon with these dickheads. “He’s asking Ash for research into the demon you all were hunting. And he says he can’t promise to come to me for MY research into the same Yellow Eyed asshole.”

“Hello to you too, sweetheart.” I rolled my eyes at his voice. Sure, NOW you say ‘hello’. “I’ll head to the Roadhouse now, I was heading in that direction anyway.” I expected him to hang up, but he was apparently feeling chatty. “How was your day?” I pulled my cell away from my face and stared at it, trying to see if I’d dialed Dr. Phil by accident. Nope, Dean Winchester.

“Fine, I guess.” What the literal hell? “Yours?” I rolled my eyes at the question. “Sorry, that was a stupid question.”

He chuckled. “It’s lookin’ up, thanks to you.” I heard the noise of his driving, the music in the background. “How many classes did you have today?”

Seriously? What? “Two.” I walked to my desk, and watched out my windows at the mailman sliding envelopes in the mailbox across the street. “I have the research ready for you guys.” It was printed up and sitting in front of me. “Get Sam, come here and MAYBE we can talk him down from the ledge.”

“Will do, Tali.” The way he said my name, why did it sound so much like John? I felt my heart clench. “I’ll call you later, sweetheart. Bye.”

“Bye.” And then the call ended and I wondered what the fuck I was doing?

Hours later, after a rousing round of paper grading and lunch, I felt the fear blossoming inside me again. I pushed it down. I picked up another pack of class papers, and thought about dinner as I took up my red pen.

I was in bed, once again having stayed up far too late trying to tell myself that the pit of fear that felt heavy in my stomach was just a normal reaction to being around hunters. I ignored the tiny voice in the back of my head that was trying to remind me that I’d only worried this much about three hunters in my life. My parents and John, that fucking pain flashed through me again. I forced the nervous feeling down.

Sleep finally gripped me and I tried, even in my dreams to make the fear go away.

The ringing of my phone tore me out of my dream. A dream where I was tossing every possible tidbit of information that I knew about every single fucking occult situation ever, but nothing was working. I had to stand paralyzed as I watched John, then Dean, then Sam burn away from in front of my eyes. Impotent to stop a shadow with bright yellow eyes destroying the three Winchesters as I watched.

I was grabbing around the nightstand, trying to find the ringing phone in the dark, but I missed the call. Fuck. I slapped around working on finding the switch for the lamp, and then it finally clicked on, blinding me even with my eyes still shut. Fuck. As my hand took up the phone, blinking my eyes to try to focus on the fucking screen, it rang again startling me and making me drop it in the wrinkles of my tangled blankets. God Fucking Damn it.

I found it before the caller could hang up again. But then, for fuck’s sake, no one said anything. Are you fucking serious? All this for a heavy breather? “Hello?” I growled, my voice rough from sleep.

“Tali?” Sam? I blinked again, trying to focus. “Tali, we’re heading your way. Uh, is that alright?”

“Yeah,” I pulled my phone from my ear, and forced my eyes to pay attention to the time. Four o’clock, well that was marginally better than the last time. Fuck. “Yeah, it’s fine. When,” A yawn overwhelmed me. “When can I expect you?”

“Um, now?” Shit. Are you kidding me? “We’re outside your house.” Ugh. Of course they were.

“Yeah, give me a few-” I looked down at myself, what had I worn to bed? “The spare key is hidden in the rock beside the steps, the one that looks like a star.” I hung up and untangled myself from the blankets and took a look in my floor length mirror. Ah, shorts and a t-shirt. Thank goodness for that. I heard my front door open and the sounds of their boots on my hardwoods. My hair, well that was a lost cause at this point without a fucking shower and hair product. “Hey!” I called, walking to the open bedroom door and took in how fucking exhausted they both looked. Fuck, what happened?

“Tali,” Sam ducked his head as awkward as always. Dean’s eyes were locked on me and I suddenly felt far too under dressed. Fuck.

“You both look like shit.” I offered, and went to the hallway linen closet. “I have one spare room, and there’s ONE daybed.” I was pulling out blankets when I felt the warmth of a body behind me. I turned, arms loaded with a spare pillow and a few blankets and nearly smacked right into Dean. “Um, damn.” I sighed, and he grinned down at me.

“Morning, sweetheart,” he wasn’t being loud. In fact, I doubted that Sam could hear him down the hallway, but I heard him loud and clear. Fuck. “One daybed?”

I nodded, and pushed the pillow and blankets into his arms. “Yeah, your short ass will fit, but Sam would be a tight fit.” Without the blankets and pillows in front of me, I became painfully aware that I wasn’t wearing a bra. Damn it. “He can have the couch.” I finished lamely, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Do you have classes later?” I shook my head, he’d lost track of the days apparently.

"It's Saturday.” I started forward, but between his broader shoulders, the bulk of the linen in his arms, and the fact that he’d planted himself dead center in the hallway, I couldn’t pass him. “Let’s go give Sam his bed things, and I’ll show you to the guest room.”

“I could just bunk down with you,” he started and I flinched. “Then Sam could have the spare, and you wouldn’t have to tiptoe around him when we get up.” Shit. Fuck. Was I imagining the fucking dare in his offer? If I said no, if I brushed it off and forced the issue would he assume I couldn’t control myself with him? Damn it.

“Or,” I countered, “Sam could bunk down with me, since my bed’s bigger and he’d fit there better. And you could have the guest room, and no one has to tiptoe at all.”

“Sam’s a light sleeper.” He shot back. “Wakes up at the slightest noise. You go to leave that bed, sweetheart, and up he comes. Back to tiptoeing around the giant.” Fuck. Was his eyes twinkling?

I sighed. “Are you possessed?” I squinted up at him. “Should I squirt you with Holy water?”

His laugh belied the exhaustion that seemed to roll off of him. “Squirt me?”

I reached beside him on the hallway table and picked up a squirt bottle that looked like Windex. “This,” and pinching the trigger I shot him in the cheek. “Isn’t glass cleaner.” And I was sad to see it didn’t sizzle. Shit. “I keep it disguised in this bottle with a little blue food coloring, just in case.”

He swiped the drips away. “Fuck,” he was fighting a glare. “Do you really think that I’d have to be possessed to ask to sleep in your bed?”

“No.” I answered, and his smile came back. “I thought you had to be possessed because you sounded like you were a law student, and that’s Sam’s deal.” I put the bottle back in its spot. “Fine. You can bunk with me.” His grin grew wider. “If your hand crosses the invisible border, then I will fucking bite it off.” The smile dropped. “Now take those to Sam and the guest room is at the other end of the hall.” I pointed at the closed door and he shot it a look. “The bathroom is next to it.” I was NOT sharing my bathroom with his smug ass. “I’m going back to bed.”

I settled into my bed after untangling the covers and sheets, remaking the bed a bit so Dean and I wouldn’t have to play tug-of-war for dominance. I laid back down, fluffing my pillow and fixing my cell so it could charge again and waited for him to come in so I could turn off my lamp.

When he crossed the threshold, he’d already gotten rid of his coat and boots. And was down to his jeans, undershirt, and button down. I waited for him to take in his surroundings, fucking hunters and their need to assess the dangers in every situation. His hands went to his belt and I felt my eyes widen.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” His eyes met mine and he winked. He fucking winked.

“Getting ready for bed, sweetheart.” And then he tugged his belt open and the jeans were off. Damn it. “What?” Another challenge.

“Not a single tiny little thing.” I rolled over so I was facing the lamp and window. “Let me know when you’re settled and I’ll turn off the lamp.”

The bed dipped not long after I saw his jeans hit the floor. “I’m ready, sweetheart.” I felt the blankets shift a bit, and his sigh of contentment as he got comfortable on the pillow.

I reached over and turned off the lamp, knowing that we wouldn’t have long of darkness and thanking God that I’d hung black out curtains a few months earlier. “Night, Dean.” I whispered into the darkness.

“Goodnight, Tali.” His voice, in the dark, was near enough to John’s to make my heart twist.

I woke up wrapped around a warm body. I smiled, cuddling closer, smelling the familiar scent of John Winchester filling my senses. It HAD been a horrible nightmare. John was safe and sound and holding me tight against him. I felt his lips brush the top of my hair and his gruff chuckle vibrate against my cheek.

“Guess I should be happy you crossed that invisible border and not me, sweetheart.” FUCK. The voice, close but not close enough. “Does this mean I get to bite into you?”

Damn it. I pushed myself away, even if he was warm and smelled amazing. Dean Winchester was NOT John Winchester. And that meant that I hadn’t dreamed of his death, that he was gone, and I had allowed myself to crawl all over his son. Ugh, Tali, what the hell?

“Sorry about that.” I felt a blush burning my face. “Can’t control where I curl when I sleep.” I brushed my hair out of my face. “You think Sam’s up yet?”

“Tali,” Dean’s voice sounded pained. “You don’t have to-”

“Yeah, I do.” I got out of bed and picked up my cell phone. “I’ll get breakfast started, even if it is lunchtime.” I was gone before he could say another word.


	5. Choices

“Tali,” Dean’s voice followed me to the kitchen, but I was intent on ignoring him and whatever awkward bullshit that would come from what he’d woken up to. “Damn it, Tali.” He was standing in the doorway of the room, still in just a t-shirt and his underwear.

“Put some pants on, Dean.” I growled back as I started opening cabinets. The issue with making breakfast was that I didn’t usually eat breakfast. I had Pop tarts. I had some cereal that I didn’t remember buying. But that was pretty much it. Wait, I had bread and butter, so toast.

"You’re in your pajamas,” his voice was closer than I expected or wanted. “Besides, all my important parts are decent.”

I snorted. Dean Winchester didn’t have any decent parts, no matter how toned he’d felt when I woke up pressed against him. Fuck. “My house, my rules.” I offered, but knew he hadn’t left, he couldn’t have, since I could feel his body heat closing in. I sighed, pulling out the Pop-tarts and bread. “Dean, whatever you’re thinking, it isn’t a good idea.”

I felt his chuckle, just like I felt the breath he’d let out during it flutter my hair. “Good ideas aren’t really what I’m known for, Tali.” I closed my eyes, begging for a patience that I’m not sure I ever possessed. His body was close enough to feel the burn from, to smell that same familiar scent of his dad rolling off of him. His hands were on my shoulders and I sighed again. “Please, just talk to me for a minute.”

I turned with the same type of grace that I’d shown the first time my mom wanted to parade me through our family telling them about my choice to go away to school and become a teacher. Heavy on the martyrdom, low on the enthusiasm. “Pop-tarts? Or-”

I never got another word out, because Dean Winchester decided that ‘talking’ involved mouths, but not words. His lips touched mine, and my mind was screaming to push him, to pull away, to do a hell of a lot of not what I did. I dropped the Pop-tarts, the bread fell from my hand and then my now empty hands were on his shoulders. My nails were digging into his skin through his t-shirt, but as much as my mind was telling me to use them to get him away, my body seemed to disagree, because I was pulling him closer.

Dean’s hands were sliding up my back and then they were tangled in my hair and my mouth opened under his and we both moaned at the touch of the other’s tongue. I was wrong. He and John were nothing alike. John took what he knew we both wanted. The fires of hell were jealous the night we first kissed. And then it slowed once we ended up in my bedroom. Dean wasn't sure, he left me room to push him away, to take a moment to decide if I wanted what he was asking for. Dean was a slow burn, building as we got to know the dips and curves of one another’s mouths. There wasn’t a rush, even if it had seemed like there would have been in how he'd taken the first step. 

He pulled away first, or pulled back a bit so we could catch our breaths. Giving me and my brain a moment to reflect, to think about what I was doing. What was I doing? I saw Dean swallow, the uncertainty of how I was going to react clear on his face, in his green eyes that were so dark. I licked my lips, wondering how he could taste good in the morning? “Shit, Tali, I didn’t mean to-” He started to pull away further, but my hands stayed on his shoulders stopping him. “I know you need time, I do, but Tali I,” he huffed out a breath. “When I saw your name in Dad’s journal. When I saw what he wrote-” His eyes pinched and I waited, Dean needed to get whatever he’d been holding in off his chest before he exploded. “I was pissed. Not only did he just fucking go off on his own without a word, but he took-” Dean’s eyes locked on mine. “He knew how I felt about you, Tali, he had to have.” His hand left my hair and brushed through his own. “You were supposed to be MY first everything Tali Sullivan.” Wait, what?!

“Dean.” I tried, but the look he shot me stopped me.

“I know you didn’t-” he sighed. “I know that we got pushed together all the time as kids. I know that wasn’t your choice, but those visits to your house? Between those and Bobby’s? That made the rest of it worth it.” His hand came back to my cheek, and he was brushing the skin under my eye. “I wanted to take time, Tali, when Dad-” He saw my flinch at the memory of John again. Another sigh. “When he died, when I knew what you felt for HIM, I couldn’t come here. Not at first, I couldn’t see YOU grieving for HIM.” His thumb touched my lips and I stayed quiet. “You were right, Tali, my dad was a master at shitty communication and you told me NOT to follow him in that. This is me not being John Winchester. I want you to give me a chance. Give us a chance. Give me something to come back to after the hunt?”

We both heard Sam stumbling down the hallway. Dean pulled all the way away. I looked down at my bare feet and took a beat. “Later.” It was quiet, it was simple, but it was a promise. We would talk later. We would sit down, alone, and discuss it. I looked up and met his eyes again where he’d moved to the table in the kitchen nook. A smile, a nod, and we were back to as normal as it would get between me and a Winchester. “Pop-tarts or toast?” I asked as Sam loomed in the doorway, blinking sleep out of his eyes.

After our ‘meal’, I took them into the living room to hand off the research packet I’d put together, then headed back to my bedroom. Dean, clearly assuming that Sam was nice and diverted by the new information, followed me.

“When I said ‘later’,” I shot him a look as I pulled clothes out of my dresser. “I meant, after I took a long hot shower. When my hair looked more like hair and less like a clutch of shredded wheat.” He chuckled. “We will talk, Dean,” I turned and leaned against my dresser. “Just give me a few minutes alone, to process, please.”

Dean was still in his boxers and t-shirt and I shook my head. “I should probably-” He gestured behind him.

“I have a huge hot water tank,” I smiled as he shot me a look. “You can get a shower in the other bathroom, it won’t take anything away from mine.” I went back to pulling clothes out for me to change into, when I felt him against my back again. “Dean-”

“I know, Tali,” his lips brushed the back of my neck and I swallowed hard. “I just, I had to-” And then he was gone. His heat, his scent less like John now, heavier on the leather scent less smoke and mirrors, gone. I shut my eyes and took a breath. Damn it.

I took my time in the shower. I needed to think about John. Really think about John Winchester and the ONE weekend we’d had physically versus the calls and texts. I needed to think about what might have been, or would there have been anything at all?

I could still see him sitting on the top row of seats in my classroom. Him standing over me by my desk. The bright silver of his wedding band catching the overhead lights. The band he wore for longer than I’d been alive. A band that he wore to his funeral pyre. A band that he never took off. Not once, not during the nights and days we’d shared. Not before or after we shared them.

My back pressed against the cool tiles of my shower, my head finding purchase too, and I considered that. Would he ever really have been done? Has any hunter ever finished the hunt? How many hunters had I met, first timers who came in with a vengeance and needed to kill whatever had brought darkness and loss into their regularly scheduled life, that stopped after they met it? None. Hunters ended when they took their last breath. That was a truth that I’d known my entire life.

It’s what happened to my grandparents. It was how my parents will die. It was our universally known truth. Hunters didn’t retire. They died. At the very hands, claws, paws, or teeth of the monsters they hunted. I turned off the water and sat down on the bench in my shower and thought about what that meant.

Dean was just as much of a hunter as John had been. He’d been raised in the life, reluctantly when John had become just as obsessed with avenging Mary’s death as any other newbie hunter would. He’d followed John around like a puppy. Looking up to him, beaming at any soft or kind word, any sweet moment that he could tuck away. Not that John was a bad man, but he’d been a difficult father. Maybe any man who lost his wife that way, who took up a mantle that he wasn’t prepared to, would have had the same reaction.

I hadn’t lied when I told John that Dean idolized him. He did. But he also took every damn word that John Winchester ever said to him all the way down to his fucking marrow. He would protect Sam. He would save him come hell or high water, and he’d do that with or without me. Would he have to? Would he have to do it without me?

When I suffer a loss, and as a kid in a hunting family I’d suffered plenty, my first knee jerk reaction is to shove it down. Deep deep down and away. I’d deal with it, eventually, but not now. I hadn’t done that with John. I’d let it overtake me. I’d wallowed. I’d felt the loss down to my bones and I let it overwhelm me in so many ways.

I dried off and pulled on my clothes without noticing. I brushed my hair, my mind still working through the Winchesters and what they meant to me. My fingers worked my untangled and still wet hair into a long braid as I thought about where John and I may have been right now if he hadn’t made the deal. Would we still be texting and calling? Would he make time to visit? Would I go to him?

What would have been enough or too much? Would killing this demon, the same one that Sam and Dean were now focused on, have let him move on? Would Mary finally be laid to rest in his mind? Would the ring have come off? Or would he still pine? Was I a delusional little girl that fell into bed with him over a crush that he’d shared, a diversion and nothing more? I'd never know. John wasn't available to answer and I had wasted the time I had to get those answers.

I pushed my glasses up my face and contemplated hiding in the bathroom until Dean and Sam gave up and left on the next hunt. Because I knew one thing was more than certain. There would always be another monster to hunt. Another call, another trail. They were hunters, and I had given it up willingly to be this version of helpful.


	6. A New Beginning...Or Is It?

When I finally convinced myself to leave the bathroom, I shouldn’t have been surprised to see Dean sitting on my now made up bed. Wait, did he make the bed? 

“I thought I’d-” he ran his hand through his hair. “The bed needed to be made, so I made it.” OK, sure, why not? I sat down next to him on my bed. “Tali-” I took his hand in mind, to keep him from fidgeting, I told myself. He huffed out a breath. “Do you know how often I thought about telling you? Or touching you like this?” 

I sighed. “And you wait until now?” I shook my head. “Dean, I haven’t a fucking clue what to do with this. Not now.” I let our fingers link. “We have Sam’s fucking weirdness to deal with, John’s-” I stopped and inhaled past the pain. “Your dad’s death. Now isn’t a great time to even contemplate a normal relationship.” I was trying desperately to put this on the back burner, whatever THIS was. “Maybe once we go over the research WITH Sam, and figure out what’s coming-”

“Tali,” Dean broke in, turning to face me, his eyes catching me fidgeting with the blanket with my free hand. “Sweetheart, we don’t have to-”

And then I was kissing him. His lips, soft and warm, those green eyes of his closed as mine did, and I had no freaking idea how or why I kissed him. Only that I did, and I kept kissing him, laying back on my bed and taking him with me. My hands were in his hair, and his hands were sliding under my t-shirt, and then we heard a noise that made us stop mid-everything.

Throat clearing from my open doorway. Dean groaned, and I had to hold back a chuckle. Fuck. “Dean. Tali.” I swear, I could hear Sam’s blush in his tone. “I think I found something-” A swallow, either him or Dean, but I couldn’t tell which. “When you’re-”

“Be right out, Sammy,” Dean practically growled. Not moving from over top of my body, I had to fight the urge to arch up, to make our bodies connect further. What the hell was wrong with me? “Sweetheart, I plan on continuing this very very soon.” His lips brushed mine again, and then he helped me to my feet beside him.

Sam had pieced together my research with what he’d learned from Ash, and with what he and Dean had experienced at the hands of the yellow-eyed demon. I found out that it had possessed John at one point and my heart lurched at the indignity. A man who had lost his wife and his planned life at the claws of this beast. 

They left, after a phone call, another hunt. Dean was the last out the front door, pulling me to him and kissing me breathless. 

“Goodbye, sweetheart, I’ll call you and we WILL finish what we started earlier.” I could hear the longing deepening his voice and smiled against his lips. 

“You’d better, Winchester.” I brushed his lips again and pulled away. “Stay safe.” I waved them off and then leaned against the closed front door with a small smile on my lips feeling a contentment I hadn’t expected.

They’d been gone for hours and I’d gone back to my normal day off activities of grading, planning, and cleaning the house. I was in my bathroom when I found it. 

The plain silver band, laying as though it had been taken off to wash hands and never put back on. My throat tightened as I tried my damnedest to fight the urge to touch it. Dean hadn’t been in my bathroom. Sam hadn’t been in my bathroom. That ring wasn’t mine. And I had a flash of pain at the thought of whose it was. Damn it, John Winchester, why?

I didn’t pick up the ring. I stopped cleaning. I stopped grading. I stopped planning, I ate a light dinner, brushed my teeth, changed into pajamas and crawled into my bed and pretended that John’s scent wasn’t heavier than Dean’s. It was my pain, grief, and guilt. That was all. 

I’d imagined the ring, I told myself. When I wake up in the morning, it will be gone. The scent of leather, whiskey, and gunpowder that had clung to John’s skin even when he’d just showered would be gone. Like he was. Forever.

I fell asleep with those thoughts, not comforting, but realistic running through my mind.

I could feel him. Holding me, kissing my hair, my temple, brushing his nose across my cheek. I could hear his voice, that deep beautiful voice I missed like I’d miss an arm. 

“Tali, princess, wake up.” I fought against opening my eyes. Waking up, seeing the bed empty, the warmth of him gone, would ruin my life, again. “Honey, please.” Tempting yearning. 

“John,” hushed, if this was a dream, I didn’t want to throw it away. “I won’t.” I wouldn’t open my eyes, I couldn’t. He was a figment of my imagination. My grief, my guilt, made manifest to torture me with what I could never have again. 

His fingers, calloused and soft at the same time, brushed my hair from my face. “Tali,” his lips were ghosting mine. “Please.” Slight brush, still tempting me, ‘come play’ they seemed to beg. 

The burning behind my eyelids warned of unshed tears. I was at war within myself. I needed him so badly, so completely that opening my eyes and seeing nothing would pierce me through, but if I didn’t check, if I didn’t touch him or taste him, the pain would rend me in two. His lips brushed ever closer, the heat of him pressed against my side. 

My eyes won the battle. Opening and seeing him lit by the streetlamp light streaming through the curtains that I’d opened before bed. Like a halo around his hair, his eyes twinkling down at me, and his dimples deepened as his eyes locked on mine. My fingers slid into his curls, and I sighed at the silkiness. 

“You’re real?” Still quiet, still scared he’d fade in front of me. 

His answer was taking the kiss he’d tempted me with, our lips locking together like the months he’d been missing, the call telling me he was gone, all of it had never happened. That he’d just returned from a hunt, finally finding the time to come back to me. Like breathing it came naturally, touching, tasting. John was cradled between my hips, and our fingers were re-memorizing every inch of one another that we’d missed during his absence from my world. 

Clothes were gone. Our skin was pressed together. Our mouths still needed the flavor of the other, but then he pulled away and that voice of his, the voice that I would have given anything to hear again spoke. 

“He missed this so much,” I was arching up into him, missing part of his dialogue, but catching words here and there. “So fucking much. The taste of you. The feel of you locked around him.” His eyes locked on mine and I could have sworn, but no, that couldn’t have been a flash of yellow. The light was playing tricks on me. It had to be.

“John,” I moaned as he hit the spot, a spot that I swore was designed for him. “Please.”

“Ah, you beg.” He growled, leaning into the crook of my shoulder. His teeth grazed my skin as I moaned and arched, pleading for release that seemed just out of reach. “Beg, princess, beg. Show me how much you want him.” And I did, I begged, I pleaded. I needed him. I wanted him. John Winchester would forever be it for me. Dean was erased. John was everything. “That’s right, Tali, that’s right.” And I rushed over, bringing him along, with a roar of his own. 

I was panting, sweat shining on my skin in the glow of the dim light. John was still cradled against me, still hard and inside of me. He wasn’t growing limp. He wasn’t moving, but then he looked up and into my eyes and I knew it hadn’t been a trick of the light. I’d seen the yellow, I’d seen it and I brushed it aside, but now it glowed. Gasping, but unable to pull away, the chuckle that came from those lips that I loved sounded near enough to his, but wrong enough to make me want to scream.

“No screaming, Dr. Sullivan.” He admonished and I clutched at the sheet beneath me. “John Winchester is a difficult man to torture. He tortures himself, but everything we devise, not a hint of pain.” He was studying me, taking in my face, my hair, his eyes landing on my lips. “You. Your memory. Your taste. Haunt him.” I flinched when the fingers I knew so well brushed my cheek. “I had to experience you for myself, Tali.” Bile rose in my throat, but went away just as quick. “Let’s not make a mess of the bed, shall we? At least not THAT kind of mess.” 

“Why?” I was blinking away the tears that had returned. “Why are you here?”

“To fuck you.” He shrugged. Simple, for him, no IT. “You torture yourself with memories of him. You both wanted so much, but Winchester’s fucking gallantry and need to make amends for being the WORST fucking father in the history of mankind overrode it.” He-it shook its head, but it was still firmly embedded inside of me. “Even trying to replace him with the eldest wasn’t working for you, was it?” I swallowed hard. “Tali Sullivan, so potent that two alpha male Winchesters would go mad without touching you.” It watched me like it was trying to find the solution to a difficult puzzle. “I can bring him back.” 

Pain blossomed in my chest. “No.” I shook my own head at the thought of it. “You can’t.” I should have remembered that John’s body had been destroyed. Hunter funeral pyres were effective to combat whatever this was. 

“Does this body not feel real?” It pulled my hand from the sheet and touched its face with it. “Is it not warm, and-” it lowered my hand to its chest and let me feel the steady beating. “Does the heart not beat?” 

“An illusion,” I prayed for strength. “This is an illusion.”

It shifted its hips and I felt it inside of me. “An illusion? Does this,” a thrust and I gasped. “Feel like an illusion, Tali?” Another and my body became a traitor as I moved with it. “You want this body, princess, you want it and I can give it back to you.” It kept moving, its hands reached down to wrap my legs around its hips. “I can give this back to you, Tali Sullivan. I can give you John Winchester back.”


	7. Terms and Conditions May Apply

I was raised with hunters in and out of my house daily. My parents, my grandparents, my great-grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, family in name and family through the bonds of friendship formed through battle had all dealt with the creepy crawlies that run amok in our world. 

I am not ignorant of the costs of even considering making a deal with a demon. I am not uneducated in what it means that a demon felt that it had the LEVERAGE to approach me to make a deal. I was clearly far more vulnerable than I’d thought possible.

After the demon who wore a remade John suit pushed me through several more earth shaking orgasms, following me only after I’d begged for it, hoping that this would be the last; it finally released me to discuss terms. 

Not from its arms. Not from the bed. But lying against the chest that felt so familiar I wanted to die, I listened as John’s voice tempted me to agree. 

“I’ll give you ten full years, Dr. Sullivan. Ten years for you and John Winchester to play house.” I closed my eyes, wondering if John would even stay with me. “You needn’t fear that I’ll send the beasts for you. I will collect you myself.” No hellhounds, well that was something, I guessed. “You get John, and in the end, after a reasonable life together, I collect you.” Simple, but I felt there was more.

I swallowed, both bile and want. I wanted it. I did. I wanted John Winchester back. Alive. As warm and real as the thing holding me. And I knew it knew it. That my want for John was as palpable as my urge to pull away from it. 

“There must be more?” I asked, stalling. “What torture should I expect at the end of those ten years? You’ll come for me yourself, but at what cost to me?”

It sighed, and I felt it kiss my head. Such a human and John thing to do. And I fought against snuggling further into its embrace. “Too clever, aren’t you?” It wasn’t to me, clearly. “The cost is, as always, your soul, Tali.” I knew that, but it seemed too easy, too little for too much. “The torture you can expect at the end?” I stiffened in his arms, fearful of a description so horrifying I couldn’t contend with the image. “You sit by my side in Hell. You become MY mate for eternity. I own you completely in the end.”


	8. Shake the What on What?

I asked for time. Pleaded, begged, I wanted, no I NEEDED a breath to sit down and consider it. The deal. John Winchester for my soul was simple. A no brainer. But THIS? An eternity at the side of this thing, as its ‘mate’? Yeah, I needed a minute.

“I could sweeten the deal?” John’s voice took on a mocking tone, not the deep playful one I was used to, but one that made me wonder if there was an audience it was playing to. 

“Sweeten the deal?” I repeated, my mind kicking into overdrive. If I took the deal, then John could join Sam and Dean in figuring out how to kill it. I may still end up in Hell, BUT it wouldn’t be as yellow eyes’ whore. 

“Yes, sweeten.” I waited, my mind considering options. “I could always visit you during those ten years. Replay the last hours I’ve been inside of you. Remind you over and over of just how satisfying time with me can be.” I nearly rolled my eyes at its ego. “It’s not like I haven’t worn John Winchester ragged before.” Damn it.

I felt the bile rise up in my throat again. And once again it went as soon as I felt it. “Stop doing that.” I growled, trying to pull away again. “You don’t OWN me.” 

“Yet.” It chuckled. “Why take the time you swear you need? You know you’re going to take the deal, Tali Sullivan. You want, no you NEED John Winchester like most humans need air.” He stopped speaking and sighed. “I’ll wear him in Hell.” Wait, what? “I’ll BE John Winchester for you in Hell.” 

I gulped. That was oddly compelling. I’d have John, the REAL John, for ten years. For ten years I could have whatever company John would be willing to give here on earth, surrounded by my family and friends. And then, instead of a horrifying ordeal of being ripped away from everything at the jaws of hellhounds, it would collect me. As John. Would that make it more bearable? Strangely yes. 

“You’d wear him?” I was afraid it would rip John away from the life I was willing to sell myself to return him to.

“Not the one I revive,” it assured me. “I made this meat suit, I can easily make another.” Its fingertips were playing along my bare skin. “And I’ll willingly visit you, allow you to ‘get used to me and my demands’ so to speak.” Demands?

“What demands?” Hushed voice, but not wavering, thank God. 

Another chuckle, darker and lower than I’d ever heard from John. “Have to save some surprises for our honeymoon, Tali.” I shivered. “They aren’t unbearable. For some.” Shit. “Some enjoy them greatly.” I felt it twitch under me, dear fucking Christ, was it becoming excited at the thought of these demands? “Visits to earth aren’t always pleasant, but you, well Dr. Sullivan, I’m finding time with you quite compelling.” 

It would give them the opening to trap it. Even if it would be inside of John at the time. Fuck. 

“Take the deal, Tali, you want this.” That tempting voice, John’s from here to eternity. “You want HIM.”

And I did. I wanted John Winchester like I wanted life itself. 

“How?” How did I accept, how would it be sealed?

“Ah, the fun part.” And as it rolled me over onto my back and climbed back on top of me, eyes glowing yellow in the predawn light, it smiled with John’s lips. “Say yes, and we’ll shake the bed on it.” 

“Yes,” I whispered up at it, and as it slid inside of me one more time, I prayed that John would forgive me. For the multitude of sins I was committing with this deal.


	9. He's Back...Ut Oh

Somewhere during the yellow eyed demon and my deal ‘signing’, something shifted. I looked up into its face, and the yellow glow was gone, and I saw HIM. His eyes, dark and hooded, and then the pinched pain inside of them and he rolled off me and I KNEW. John Winchester was back.

“Tali?” Confusion and pain evident in his deep voice. I started to move closer, to snuggle into his body, but his next words stopped me. “What have you DONE?” 

I blinked back my own pain. Hadn’t I, in the very slim moment I’d taken to weigh the consequences of the deal, expected this reaction? He was a hunter. He had made his own terrible deal with this demon. He knew he’d died. He knew that I’d brought him back.

“John, please,” I started, but the sun was fully out now and I could see his pain, torment, and something else. Was that disappointment? “I had to-” more whispering.

“You had to?” His voice, that voice that I’d begged and prayed to hear again, but not like this. Not in that tone of utter irritation and anger. “It-” I swallowed hard, bile rising again in my throat at the tightness of my eyes. “I saw IT, all of IT.” Shit. “You and that thing-” Tears burning my eyes, and my chest tightened. “I heard what it wants in return.” Fuck, damn it, no. 

“Did you hear everything?” I wanted to be sure. Certain that all the rage would come out in one go, and not dribble down over me throughout ten years worth of moments like this. 

“Ten years.” I nodded. “It’ll come for you.” Another nod. “And you spend eternity in Hell at ITS side.” I waited, there was more, surely he heard it or saw it. When he stopped speaking I hazarded a glance. He seemed to be waiting too. Shit. He only knew those parts? 

“That’s the loose interpretation.” I offered, fingers fidgeting with the blanket and eyes downcast. Should I tell him? Should I mention that this demon would reenter him at whim, to remind me of the night we spent locked together? Should I mention that it would wear his body and face to make my time as its mate more, what? Bearable? For me. 

He gave a harsh and humorless laugh. “The loose interpretation?” Incredulous. “Tali, you KNOW what they are capable of, you KNOW that this is a bandaid for your grief.” My grief? Mine alone? What about Sam? What about Dean? “I was gone, sweetheart, I was gone and-”

“Tortured.” Quiet, still not looking at him. “Even if whatever it devised wasn’t working, you were in HELL, John.” Pain blossomed in my chest at the mere thought of it. “You were gone. You were-” The tears burned trails down my cheeks. “I didn’t-”

And then his arms were around me and he was cradling me against his chest. “Princess, please.” Begging and pain filled, his voice vibrated through his chest and into me. “I know-” I felt his lips, John Winchester’s lips brush my temple. “I didn’t say-”

“Goodbye?” I whispered, sighing. “I’ll have ten years to say it, John.” I tilted my head back to look up at him. “Or more. The three Winchester men together should be able to figure out a way to-”

He sighed and kissed my forehead. “The three of us didn’t do so fucking good the last time, sweetheart.” My ear met his chest and I closed my eyes at the sound of the steady pounding of his heart. “Course, we didn’t have quite the same motivation of saving BOTH you AND Sam.” Another sigh. “I will find a way, Tali, I have to.”

“I know,” I snuggled tighter against him, letting his warmth and scent soothe me. “I’m sorry.” 

“Sleep, Tali,” he laid us both down, keeping me in his arms. “Later on we’ll discuss just how sorry you are.” 

As sleep took me under, I smiled. I’d take whatever punishment he dealt out, because in the end, John was back. Alive and perfect. And I’d take this at whatever price it came at.


	10. Waking Up to Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's back...but there are still a few (one major) loose thread...

The ringing of my cell phone woke me. The scent of John Winchester’s very warm and very real body curled around me along with his warmth made me want to ignore the incessant noise and lay cradled against his bare skin. Unfortunately, John Winchester, reanimated or original version, was a hunter through and through. 

“Phone, Tali,” sleep rough voice, fingers sliding down my bare body making my skin feel like it was on fire. “Better answer it, sweetheart.” 

I gulped as his fingertip swiped my bangs out of my face. Faces close, I wanted nothing more than to pretend I couldn’t hear a thing other than the sound of his breathing and the pounding of my blood raging in my ears. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to remind me of why I’d thought the deal was so fucking worth it that I’d offer my soul, and myself to a demon to have him back. He reached for my cell and handed it to me after a glance at the screen, eyes pinched, and he rolled over onto his own pillow. Fuck.

“Morning, Dean.” I hoped my answer sounded normal. That he couldn’t hear the undercurrent in my voice. “What’s up?”

“Sweetheart, that is definitely not the best question this early in the morning when you’re there and I’m, shit, in the middle of nowhere.” His voice was as rough sounding as John’s and I suddenly felt very uncomfortable with his dad’s ability to hear what Dean was saying.

I stood from the bed and grabbed my robe from my chair and pulled it over my nakedness. “You’re in Connecticut, not exactly BFE, Dean.” Standing in front of the windows, I could feel John’s eyes on my back. “How’s Sam?” His brother was dealing with some deep shit, and I wanted to gauge if and when breaking the news that their dad was back would be most welcome, if ever. 

“Worried about Ava.” I nodded, that made sense. “Ellen’s call came at a good time, even if I’d kill to finish what we-”

“Dean, I have to go, there’s a knock on my door.” There wasn’t, of course, but I couldn’t fathom talking through what we had nearly done. Nope. Not right fucking now. “Call me later, let me know what you’re dealing with at the inn?”

He sounded shocked at the abrupt end of our call, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make noises that sounded like the world hadn’t just fucking went sideways where we were concerned. Saying goodbye, I stayed standing with my back to the bed. I needed a beat. I couldn’t leave the room, or him, but I needed to have a second to gather my shambles of thought.

“Dean?” Nod. “You and Dean?” Shit, fuck, damn it. Sighing, I turned to face the music. A tune I was learning would be everlasting and forevermore. “Thought you didn’t like my boy-” My own words come back to fucking haunt me. 

I leaned on the window sill. “I didn’t.” True, but not complete. “I wanted-” Another sigh, my head falling back to rest on the sun warmed glass. “He smells like you, a little bit.” Remembering how much Dean reminded me of John when he came to tell me about John and Sam, I felt my eyes close against the onslaught of pain. “And his voice, if he’s close enough or over the phone, sounds near enough to you.” 

His heat was in front of me after a slight rustle of the blankets. “Tali, princess, look at me.” His hand was cupping my chin and I was powerless to refuse. My gaze met his and I saw him. John, looking down at me like he’d looked at me before. Before he walked out my front door after kissing the breath from me, before he’d gone and I learned he was GONE. Before. 

“I feel like I’m going to be doing a LOT of apologizing.” Taking a deep breath, I stared into his eyes, willing myself to ignore the fact that he was completely naked in front of me. 

“No,” he sounded pretty fucking certain for a man who I owed more contrition to than I could count. “You don’t have to say anything about how you tried to move on.” Shaking his head, he was tracing my lip with his thumb. “Can I kiss you, Tali?” Uncertain? John Winchester? 

I swallowed hard and nodded. When his lips met mine I felt that rush of fire and love that I’d felt since the very first kiss on my couch. My hands found his head, his hair, and then I was pressed tight against him and my robe was gone. Our lips locked together, we stumbled away from the window, but he didn’t draw me down onto the bed. Instead, he found the bare wall beside my windows and pressed my back against it. His hands slid down my bare length until they curled under my ass and then my legs were around his waist. He was inside of me and then the earth stopped. Nothing existed but me and John Winchester and for that, for this moment and every single one that we had for the next ten years, the deal I made to bring him back was worth it. 

I was shaking and so was he. My back was still tight against the wall, and I was certain that this was all that kept us both from collapsing. John’s mouth, lips, and tongue were memorizing the skin of my neck and my fingers were doing the same for his shoulders. 

“Did the bed do something to offend you?” A gasp from the feel of his teeth nipping at my pulse point as I waited for him to answer.

“It took you there.” That it had. “And Dean-” Fuck.

“Dean and I never-” But he cut me off.

Pulling away from my skin, our eyes met. “You would have.” Another hard swallow on my end. “You would have, and I can’t. Not yet.” Another nod from me. “Let’s get cleaned up and we’ll talk about what comes next.” 

He let me down gently onto my feet and I was scared, briefly, that he’d go to the spare bath, but he took my hand and let our fingers link. A shower, and then a conversation that I knew had to come, but wasn’t sure I was ready for just yet.


	11. Chapter 11

John and I had plenty of time to talk. And to touch, kiss, and remember every single feeling that we’d shared briefly before he died. After a very thorough shower on both sides, we stepped out and his eyes landed on his wedding band still sitting on the counter top.

“I tried to warn you,” he nodded at the ring. “It wasn’t simple to force that here when I was-”

I stared up at him, refusing to look at the ring. A ring I now knew that he’d worn even in Hell. “You tried to warn me?” I was confused, how did he know it would come to me?

“When they plunge into your thoughts, sometimes it works both ways.” I nodded, drying my hair and waiting for him to put the ring back on like he so clearly wanted to. “I knew, even though it wasn’t my torturer, that it would come.”

“That only showed up hours before it did.” I walked into my bedroom, refusing to watch him return the ring to his finger. Refusing to acknowledge that whatever we had would always come second to what he’d had with Mary. I was pulling on my clothes when I heard him return to the bedroom. “I’ll take the linens off the bed and wash them today.” I didn’t turn to face him, not yet.

“Tali?” Uncertainty in John Winchester’s voice would forever sound foreign to my ears. Less authentic than the demon’s attempts. “Sweetheart?”

“I think there’s a pair of your boxers in this drawer and Dad has some t-shirts he gave me-” I was rummaging through the drawer as I spoke. “If you toss your clothes- The clothes it wore here, I mean, I’ll wash them and-” His arms wrapped around me from behind and I felt another foreign feeling, discomfort in his arms.

“What’s wrong?” He didn’t turn me to face him and for that I was thankful. “Tali, what changed between the bathroom and here?”

Taking a deep breath, I pulled out the pair of boxers he’d accidentally left behind before he disappeared. “Nothing’s wrong, John.” Willing myself to be calm and unconcerned, I turned and handed the boxers to him as he stepped slightly back. “Here. Let me go to the guest room and I’ll grab you a shirt.” I wanted to, no I needed to have a minute or two alone. Now. Brushing past him, ignoring his hands, afraid to see the flash of silver that would prove me right I made my way to my guest room.

He stayed behind in my room. And I took my sweet time ‘finding’ him a shirt. I closed the door behind me and sat down on the daybed. What had I done? Ten years with a man who had never let go of his wife. A man who gave his life in place of his son so that son could continue the fight to avenge her death. I was completely stupid.

A soft knock came and I sighed. My cheeks were damp and that was surprising, I hadn’t even noticed that I’d begun crying. John waited a beat before opening the door. “Tali,” he sounded pained, but at that moment he could join the fucking club.

He knelt in front of me and I couldn’t meet his eyes. “Tell me-” A deep breath so I wouldn’t sound so fucking hurt and I continued. “Tell me that I didn’t just give up my fucking soul for a man who doesn’t feel anything for me.” I felt cold, deep down arctic cold. “I won’t fully regret it, because I can’t survive in a world where you aren’t alive, but it would be a massive cosmic joke if you-” I swallowed down the huge fucking lump in my throat from the pain of it. “If you don’t love me.” Ten years might end up being pretty fucking lonely if the silence the came after I made my declaration. And it continued. “Oh.” I sat the shirt down on the bed and stood up. “You can sleep here until Dean and Sam get back.”

I was back in my own room. Door locked, new sheets and covers on the bed, but the dirty laundry was piled outside the door. If he was hellbent on clean linens on a bed he wouldn’t be welcome in, then he could fucking start a turn. I had my laptop, my stack of papers to grade, and I was steadfastly ignoring my new reality when my cell phone rang.

A huge, very childish part of me wanted to ignore it, but seeing Dean’s name on the screen meant I couldn’t. I owned him something-anything at this point.

“Hey.” I answered, sitting the laptop to the side and pushing the papers over. “How’d it go?”

“Still working on it, sweetheart.” I nodded, and then shook my head at the idiocy of thinking he could see me. “Not sure what we’re dealing with yet, but the Ava lead doesn’t look great.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” I sounded off even to myself. “There’s something I need to tell you, Dean.” Was telling him that I made a deal with a demon to bring his dad back to life over the phone a good idea? Probably not. “When you get back, I mean.”

“You feeling alright, Tali?” Fucking hunters and their perception. “Didn’t sound like yourself this morning and now you’re being cryptic.”

I felt a tear fall and sighed. “Yeah, I’m sorry about this morning. I didn’t sleep well, and-” Closing my eyes, I willed myself to chill out. “Stay safe and come back, you hear me, Winchester?”

“I do,” I smiled at the quiet of his voice that was still so filled with confidence. “I’ll call you tomorrow, get some rest.”

We said our goodbyes and I lay back on my stacked pillows. Why couldn’t I have been happy with Dean? With what we were trying to cultivate? Why did John Winchester hold me so completely captivated that ten years with him alive, because at this point I wasn’t sure we’d be spending them together, followed by an eternity in Hell at a demon’s side was worth it?

I fell asleep and woke to another series of quiet knocks. The day had passed while I napped I confirmed through the window. Tomorrow I’d be back at work and John would be- well, I had no idea.

“Tali?” More careful quiet, like I was broken. “I-there’s dinner if you’re hungry?”

Food. I should eat. Regardless of who I was sharing my house with, keeping up my strength was a good idea. I nearly gave a hysterical laugh at the thought that I could let myself go, why not live up my last ten years on earth? And then the pain gripped me again. Damn it.

Swallowing past my own angst, I got out of bed and opened the door. He wasn’t waiting, thankfully, and the pile of dirty laundry was gone. I could smell warm pizza so I knew he’d ordered in, and I wondered briefly how he paid. Hunter, I reminded myself, fake credit cards didn’t care if you were technically dead.

John was in the kitchen, moving with the same ease he came to have after only hours spent with me the first time. He took down plates, glasses, and was setting the table as I stood in the doorway. “I can eat in the guest room if you want me to, but I think we should talk, sweetheart.”

I nodded and walked to join him at my kitchen table where he’d put the pizza box. He poured the tea I’d made into our glasses as I took a slice. “Talk.” I offered as I took my first bite.

“Tali,” I couldn’t look at him, so I focused on my backyard that was growing darker before my eyes through the window I was facing. “You have to understand that I’ve spent twenty two years trying to make her death right.” I kept eating, forcing the food down past a lump that continued to grow. “I-I’ve loved Mary for thirty two years, Tali.”

I prayed for the strength to not let him see me cry again. Clearly that was my answer. The memory of Mary Winchester wins over a living breathing Tali Sullivan. “I see.”

His hand reached for mine, but I put it in my lap, blocking the contact. “You don’t.” I heard his sigh and waited. “You don’t see because you won’t look at me.” Got that right, mister. “I will love Mary until the day I die-again.” I blinked the tears away, screw that, and him. “And I will love you for just as fucking long.” What?

My head turned and our eyes met. “The ring-” he held up his left hand and it was bare. “I thought you-”

He showed me his right hand, and the band was there, but somehow it didn’t hurt as much. “I can’t take it off again, Tali.” I nodded my understanding. “But, I need you to know that what I feel for you is every bit as real as what I feel for her.” I gave him the hand I denied him earlier. “When I said you’d be my ruin, Tali Sullivan, I didn’t expect to be yours.”

“You’re not.” Squeezing his hand, our food forgotten for a moment, I told him what I needed him to understand. “You could never ruin me, John Winchester, not by loving me. I have ten years-” He started to interrupt me, but a shake of my head stopped him. “We are certain of ten years. Love me for that time, and I’ll gladly go, because you’ll be alive.”

The rest of our talking, from that moment until Dean and Sam came home, was about how to break the news to them. Over the phone would never be alright. During their check-ins, I kept telling them how important calling first was so I could have the guest room made up. And the sofa I added internally. From Connecticut they went to Milwaukee, then to Providence.

Sam called from the road, letting me know they were about two hours away. When I said goodbye, I put my laptop down, collected the newest round of my papers to grade, and told John that we had practically no time to prepare. Two hours? Honestly.

The house was clean. John and I had gone shopping after my classes to refresh his wardrobe. He still hated my bed, but with clean linen and a glare that I happened to LIKE my bed, I talked him down from buying and building a new one. I was rushing around aimlessly, fidgeting with this and that when he wrapped his arms around me and stopped my momentum.

“Stop, princess.” I sighed into his touch, my head tucked under his chin and listening to the steady beating of his heart. “The house is perfect. You’re perfect. The boys will come in, and here I’ll be.” Sure, simple. “We’ll sit down and discuss it like adults.” My deal, John alive.

“Food.” I muttered into his shirt and felt him chuckle.

“Yeah, we should order something.” His lips touched my hair and I tilted my head back so he could kiss me where we both wanted him to. After rendering me slightly breathless and calmer by far I smiled up at him.

“Pie.” He raised an eyebrow. “Dean LOVES pie.”

We ordered from a local place that had great comfort food. Burgers, fries, pie. I heard the Impala before the food arrived and shot John a look. Pulling me to him, he linked our fingers and walked with me to the front door. Sure OK, like a band-aid, rip it off at the very beginning and hope for the best. Right?


	12. The Boys are Back...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to apologize for the delay in the updates on this (and the rest of my stories). I've been really sick and while I could power through here and there, it got me down pretty low for awhile. I've seemingly moved past the energy draining sickness I was dealing with, and now I've got seasonal allergies that make me want to scream. But I'm back to writing, so fingers crossed I can keep it moving.

I heard the boys stomping up the stairs and then Dean’s voice announcing the food delivery’s arrival. John and I were standing by the front door, and as I turned the knob, I gave him a soft shove so he was hidden by the open door. He shot me a look, but I glared back at him.

Dean and Sam were NOT going to see their father back in the flesh for the first time in front of the delivery boy. 

“Hey-” I heard myself say, trailing off at the end as Dean and Sam gathered the bags of food from the teenager waiting for me to sign his credit card slip. I stepped out, shutting the door slightly behind me, effectively standing in the way of the Winchester boys’ forward momentum. Smiling at the delivery boy, signing off on the food charge, and adding a substantial tip, I forced the guys to wait until the innocent kid was in his vehicle and pulling away from the curb before looking at either of their expectant faces.

“Gonna let us in the house, sweetheart, or are we eating al fresco?” Dean’s tone was mocking, but I could see his worry etched on his forehead. 

I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. “I’m going to let you in-” And then I heard the door swing open behind me and it felt like the air was sucked out of the world.

How did Sam and Dean take seeing John? Holy water was liberally sloshed on the poor man’s face, which he took with about as much grace as a cat would. Sputtering and glaring at his sons’ other natural reaction to seeing someone alive and well after being given a full on hunter’s funeral, having pulled me behind them and thrusting the food bags into my hands. I felt like this reunion was going downhill very fucking fast. 

“Dean-” I tried, but I heard them all muttering under their breath. Dean and Sam chanting the exorcism in Latin, and John the full on irritation he was feeling at his children assuming the worst right off the bat all while they ignored me fully. “Sam-” Still muttering, and I forced myself to NOT scream at them. Getting my neighbors involved in this hot fucking mess would be the worse possible outcome.

I pushed past Dean and Sam, handing the food bags to John with the hope that he’d take the initiative to walk them into the house before all Hell truly broke loose, and turned to his sons. “In the house. Now.” My voice was low and quiet, and I prayed it held the warning I wanted them to hear loud and clear.

John shot me a look that was just as loud and clear as that warning, but he walked our dinner inside. I started after him, but stopped when I felt a hand on each of my elbows.  
“Tali, what the hell-” Dean began, but I shook my head.

“We’ll talk about it inside,” I didn’t turn, but kept moving into the house. Meeting John in the kitchen, hearing the murmured voices of his two children behind me as they locked the door, I shook my head again. I would have to be insane to think this would have gone any other way. Well, any other BETTER way.

John was pulling out plates when I joined him, and I offered him a small smile, taking a bit of strength from his nod and smile in return. We’d agreed, before they came back from their hunt, that I’d explain. It was my choice and my doing, so it made sense that I’d give them the details. 

“We’re inside,” Dean practically growled, as I was taking out utensils and John was opening cartons of food. “Let’s talk.” Demanding little shit, wasn't’ he?

I sighed, pushing away any feelings of irritation. I expected this. I knew it was coming. I had NO right to feel upset that he was feeling-whatever he was feeling. 

“Grab a seat at the table, son, and Tali will explain.” John’s hand on my shoulder had a magnetic pull for Dean’s focus and I could see his glare grow. For fuck’s sake. 

Sam sat, no doubt feeling as uncomfortable as a grown son could in this situation. Feeling as though the three of us were in a standoff, I sighed again and sat down. John and Dean took a beat longer, as though sizing one another up and deciding who would hold out longer. Once we were all finally seated, I looked down at my plate and tried to steady my nerves. I felt John’s hand touch my bare knee under the table and knowing he was with me helped. 

“The other day, when you left,” I looked up to see Dean and Sam’s eyes locked on me. “I was cleaning my bathroom and found a ring.” John’s right hand, the ring catching the overhead light, took mine to offer more visible strength than it had when it was on my knee. “This ring.” My finger traced it lightly before I continued. “I thought it was a mirage. I thought I just wished for John’s presence so heavily that I willed myself to see a sign of him.” Swallowing past the lump in my throat at what came next, I pushed on. “I went to bed, ignoring the ring, swearing to myself that it wasn’t there, but I woke up to HIS voice.” Dean looked angry and Sam was puzzling it out. “It wasn’t John, not then.” 

“Who was it?” Sam’s voice was hushed, like he was begging me not to go on, but also needed to know. 

“The demon that killed Mary and Jessica.” I focused on my plate again. “I didn’t know, how would I? I thought it was a dream at first. There’s salt all over this damn house, holy water, devil’s traps. How would something evil get in?” Licking my suddenly dry lip, I looked up again. “It did, it got in and it offered me my heart’s desire.” Dean’s eyes were blazing and I knew he was angry, this time at me. “John Winchester, back completely and fully.”

“That type of prize comes with a price, Tali.” Sam again, still quiet, eyes pinched. “What did you have to give?” 

“My soul.” It was barely a breath, but the silence in the room made it sound like a shout.

The explosion I’d expected didn’t come. Instead, if I’d thought the air had been sucked out of the world on the porch, it seemed to grow incredibly heavy in the kitchen. The silence stretched, until I was ready to snap like a thread pulled too taunt. 

“We should eat,” I offered, hand shaking as I started to fill my plate. “No point in wasting good food.” It was filler, pure and simple, a way for me to push past the awkwardness of a deal I’d made with a demon the three Winchesters yearned to destroy. 

“Tali’s right.” John had released my hand as I filled my plate, but the heat from his body was still close enough to remind me of why I felt it was worth it to bring him back. “Eat, and then we can-”

“We can what?” Dean bit out. “We can pretend we’re a happy family? We can go back to ‘normal’? What the hell is normal?” He stood up and stomped out of the kitchen. 

I moved to stand up, but John stopped me. “Let me, honey.” He brushed his lips across my temple and gave my shoulder a comforting squeeze as he stood and went after his eldest son. 

“Do I know how to clear a room or what?” I muttered to my plate, forgetting for a moment that Sam was still with me. He chuckled and I glanced up to see him filling his own plate.

His eyes met mine and he smiled. “We’re Winchesters, Tali, arguing and bitching is the only way we get through shit.” He shook his head. “You love Dad, I guess we never really paid attention to how much you love him.” Shrugging he started to eat. 

The slamming of the front door made me jump in my seat, but Sam warned me off when I started to get up. “They need to work it out on their own. Trust me.”


	13. Loopholes...They're the Devil, Aren't They?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know that saying, "The Devil's in the details"? Yeah, we should have kept that in mind while discussing the implications of my deal with a demon.
> 
> Luckily light gets shed on those pesky details. Unlucky is that a forward momentum of this magnitude can't be stopped.

John came back first. He hadn’t been gone long, but I could see the residual anger on his face. Sam and I were still eating, every bite I took having to be forced past a lump that steadily grew bigger as I waited. He took his own plate and filled it, not speaking and I knew that was simply because he was trying to control the ire he was feeling. 

“This is really good food, Tali,” Sam offered, clearly wanting to fill the silence that was growing oppressive in his dad’s presence. 

I nodded and offered him a small smile. “Comfort food from my favorite local diner.” 

“Better be pie,” Dean’s voice growled from the doorway. I swallowed as I felt John tense up beside me, still spoiling for a fight with his eldest. 

Clearing my throat, I nodded again. “Of course there’s pie, Dean. I sold my soul, but I didn’t lose it yet.” Flippant humor, inappropriate, but fuck if I couldn’t stand the waves of anger I felt rolling over the four of us. 

“Funny.” Dean snarled, sitting down and taking up his own plate to fill it. “Very funny.” His tone implying anything but. 

“I like to think so,” I offered, figuring screw it. In ten years I’d be dead and gone, why not start living like it. “Eat up, the food is great fresh, but it loses something when it’s reheated.” I took up my fork and realized the lump was gone. Getting over the strain, not letting the Winchester testosterone ruin my dinner was easier than I expected. 

We ate for a few minutes in silence, not nearly as heavy with tension now that I’d let my own stress go. No use crying over spilled milk, right? I could still feel the irritation in father and son, but what could I do about it? I made a choice. I couldn’t nor would I take it back. It was MY fucking soul. If I wanted to sell it to a hippy down the street for a clutch of patchouli incense, then that was MY choice. 

The plates were clean and I stood up. Gathering them to take to the dishwasher, I saw Sam stand to help me. Ah, leave the two bullheaded men to it. We worked together to stack the dishes and then I pulled smaller plates from the cupboard as Sam went in search of the pie.

“It’s in the oven.” John offered, clearly watching us. “Tali mentioned it’s better warm.” 

I realized with a start that the oven had been on the lowest setting this entire time, warming then keeping the pie warm while we ate. Tossing an oven mitt to Sam as I grabbed more utensils, he pulled the pie out carefully and I took the dessert plates to the table. John jumped up to grab a divet to put the warm pie on so it wouldn’t mar my table. Dean sat silent as a waiting storm cloud as the three of us worked to dish out dessert. 

“Here, Dean, your pie is served.” I handed it to him with a flourish and that did it. He looked up at me smirking down at him holding warm apple pie and shook his head. 

“You make it so damn hard to stay pissed off, sweetheart.” He gave me a half smile and took the plate and fork from me. “This smells amazing.”

“All I can take credit for is ordering it,” I replied, taking my own seat and looking down at the perfectly flaky crust and letting the cinnamon scent hit my nostrils. “It is the best pie in town though.” 

“We’ll see,” He shot back, taking a forkful into his mouth. His eyes shut and he made an indecent sound. When he opened his eyes, he saw that none of us had taken a bite, but were all watching him. “Fine, it’s GOOD pie.” 

I giggled and took my own bite, nearly biting my tongue when I felt John’s hand on my knee under the table. I glanced up to see most of his own anger was gone. I smiled and kept eating. These three would be the death of me, which might suck, since I only had ten years with them.

Dessert went better than dinner. And then we all got comfortable in the living room to really discuss my deal. Hash it out before bed, and don’t go to bed angry were good in theory, right?

“I just don’t understand how it got in here,” was Sam’s first issue. “How could it bypass the protections?” 

“My guess?” John offered, sitting with my legs over his lap on the sofa. “It used Tali’s grief. Her grief and-” his fingers went to his wedding band. “This.” 

“What?” Dean asked, eyes on the band. “How?”

It flashed to me then. John admitted that the mind play was usually a one way street, but sometimes he could read the demon. “He played you.” It was a whisper. “He planted his plans for me in your head, and I bet he even helped get your ring here.” 

John nodded. “I’ve thought about it. I wanted so damn bad to send you a sign, Tali, but nothing happened. When he ‘accidentally’ gave me access to his mind, suddenly it worked.” 

“You’re saying it planned it.” Dean muttered. “That between Tali’s grief, your-” he stopped and took a deep breath. “It played the two of you right into its hands.” 

I sighed. “Yep. Hook, line, and sinker.” I shook my head. “Between the absolute craving I had to see John again, and John wanting to protect me from it.” I nearly snorted at how effortlessly it had made it work. “But why?” I felt like the answer was within my grasp, but like a word on the tip of my tongue I couldn’t find it. 

“It wouldn’t give us the advantage.” Sam declared. “Three Winchesters is better than two, and with you and your ability to figure out the obscurest occult information, that makes four against one.” He shook his head. “Why would it stack the deck against itself?” 

“There must be a loophole.” Dean muttered, glaring at the wall across from him. “A loophole in your deal, Tali.” He clarified. 

But what? What would a demon do to make sure that four against one wasn’t bad odds?

The boys, along with their father because he wasn’t built for the house pet life, headed out for another hunt a few days later. To West Texas. And I got wrapped up in research about the demon. I felt like I SHOULD know its name. Classes were back in session and I had to smile when Hank came to me at the end of one class to say he was happy I was back.

“Yeah, feels good to be myself again.” I returned his last paper to him. “This was well thought out and a good argument for the topic. Keep this up and you’ll be in the running for my job.” 

“No one could replace you, Dr. Sullivan.” The words and tone sounded similar, but I couldn’t place it. So I thanked him and then went to the white board to clear it for the cleaning crew. It was my last class of the day, and I planned on heading home to a night without research for once. 

The janitor bumbled into the classroom before I was finished, and I offered that I would be out of his way shortly.

“No rush, Dr. Sullivan.” That tone, dark and somewhat sinister made me turn and realize he was right in front of me, eyes flashing yellow. Shit. “Miss me?” 

I was about to tell it just how much I hadn’t missed it, when it leaned in and kissed my lips. Tongue flicking against the lips I had snapped shut when its head lowered to mine. 

“Come now, Tali,” it pulled back and the yellow eyes were flashing with humor. “Surely you know that I can’t WEAR John if he isn’t in range.” It rolled its eyes as I glared up at it. “Fine, no hanky panky when I’m wearing a different meat suit.” It moved to sit on the edge of my desk as I went back to gathering my things. “I hear you want to know the loophole in your contract.” I shot it a look and it chuckled. “Don’t look so irritated or surprised that I have ways to keep track of you and your little ‘family’s’ plans. Honestly, I was shocked that JOHN came to the realization about how I gained entry into your humble abode.” Its eyes were slithering down my frame as though to remind me where else it had gained entry. “Dean was right, you know, I would NEVER stack the deck against myself. Not with what I have planned.”

I raised an eyebrow and finally spoke. “What is it then? What’s the loophole to make the return of another Winchester NOT an overload against you?” I sat in my desk chair and waited. Why not hear just how fucked we really were from the source?

It laughed and I could see how fucking tickled it was by its own brilliance. “Oh it’s simple really. If they kill me, then I promise you, the last three months of your ten year time limit are going to be excruciating for you, Tali Sullivan. You’re going to want to die. You’re going to wish for it, you’re going to be tempted to end it yourself. And if you do, if you die BEFORE your ten years, then all bets are off. Hellhounds? Check. Torture? Check. Your soul won’t be mine, but you’re gonna wish it was.” 

I sat stunned. I knew, had always known, that the deal was inescapable. At least the ten years and the Hell part, but if this beast died I wouldn’t have guessed that it would want to take me down too. Not this way. Not force me to commit one of the ultimate sins and thus cement my own fate. And I knew, the fact that I hadn’t even considered that something like this could be in the cards, that I had been far too confident in my own intelligence. I also knew that I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t stand in front of John, or Dean, or Sam and stop them from killing it. Not after what it had done to them. And in that, I knew that the deck WAS stacked against someone. Me.


	14. Revelations Lead to...

I sat on my newfound knowledge, what the demon had told me about my deal and how truly fucked I’d be when the Winchesters killed it. And I knew they’d kill it. It had been their one uniting goal. The one thing that made them hunters, the thing that drew them back together and caused John’s own time in Hell. I tried to focus on work. To focus on putting one foot in front of the other and remind myself that I had ten years no matter what. Ten years with John Winchester, ten years minus three months of the proverbial bliss. Was it worth it?

Shaking myself away from that question, I re-read the paper I’d been grading when the noise in my head had intruded, again. It was Hank’s paper, my concerned student, and I read what he’d written about the levels of demons and their powers. As though the names were highlighted, the same information I’d shared with Sam about the type of demon I’d thought we were dealing with showed up. I tried to remember the proper names I’d found. Which one was it? Since the suits it chose to wear, I’d surmise that it was a masculine one, but which one?

Names have power. They always have and always would. What name did my tormentor go by? 

When John called, upset because he and Dean had somehow lost Sam, I knew that even if I felt like sharing what I’d learned the time wasn’t right. That’s what I told myself anyway. John sounded tired, perhaps resigned even about the search that he and his eldest had to go on. Promising to keep me updated, he told me he loved me and then a quick goodbye as I heard Dean tell him something.

Another call. They found Sam, and they found a dead hunter. The quiet way that John told me filled me with dread. Did I know this hunter? Was he someone close to me? And then, Dean took the phone and confirmed my fears. My uncle, through marriage, was dead and Sam couldn’t say for sure that he wasn’t the culprit. I was happy I was already seated, happy that I didn’t have to tell my aunt or cousins. Steve was a good guy, a good father, and a good hunter. I feel gutted, but I know this is just another game for the demon, and Dean agrees.

They try to keep me posted. Sam runs again, attacking Dean while John’s out grabbing dinner. He attacks Jo. When they finally call to tell me they’re coming back, I’m afraid to know the extent of the damage. How far will it go before it makes its final move on Sam and the rest of us?

John looks gutted when he walks into the house, coming straight to me and burying his face in my neck. He’s body feels tense, and I know that he can’t stand the fact that he couldn’t tell me about my uncle, that Dean had to take the reins. I’m looking over his bowed body, seeing that Dean looks exhausted and Sam uncertain of his welcome. Beckoning them inside, gesturing with a jut of my chin for them to make themselves at home, I try to sooth John’s worry.

“It’s alright, John,” my lips brush his head. “There aren’t any guarantees for a long life in this business, you know that.” His sigh warms my neck, a kiss urging me to go on. “My aunt, she grew up in it, just like me. She’ll understand, she’ll-”

“She’ll what?” It’s Sam that asks, hearing my quiet reassurances to his father, his eyes meet mine. “She’ll move on? She’ll let go and forget? She’ll forgive the monster that killed him? Me?”

“Was it you?” I’m still holding John and my voice raises so all three men can hear me. “Sam, was it really you?”

He swallows hard, looking like he isn’t sure anymore who he is. “I remember some of it, Tali. I saw my-”

“You saw it because they let you see it.” Blaming himself for being used in his own torture wasn’t going to work with me. “You saw it murder my uncle. It used your hands, your body, but you weren’t in control. Do you have any idea how many people are possessed by demons who use their flesh to commit horrendous acts? Are all of those people guilty, Sam? If the evil that entered them allows them to SEE what they’re being used to do, are they complicit?” He was a former law student, I wanted him to see it from that perspective. “I don’t know what this thing has planned, Sam, I don’t. But you are NOT responsible for it. You’re not, and if you let it twist your mind into that way of thinking, then you’re already lost.”

John and I were lying in bed that night, his skin flush against mine, holding one another for the mere pleasure of it. The bedroom door was locked, Sam and Dean so exhausted that they were out before we’d even tucked ourselves away. His sigh caused me to glance up at him with an eyebrow raised, I knew he could see me with the light of the streetlamps creating a soft glow through the curtains I forgot to close.

“You’re good at it.” I smirked, and he rolled his eyes. “Not THAT, though you are pretty damn proficient at that too, princess. I meant, you’re good at talking the boys down from their fears. And me.” My fingers were running through the spattering of hair on his chest, and pressing my cheek against it, I felt lulled by his heartbeat. 

“I just know that none of you need added stress, John.” His chuckle vibrated through my skin. “You laugh, but it’s true. Our lives are tense enough without undue guilt. Sam didn’t kill my uncle, and he needs to see it. That doubt, that guilt and grief, it led to-”

“To this?” Fingertips dancing across my skin, making the burn of my need for him rush to the surface. “I don’t know, Tali, I think I’m coming round to thinking you made a pretty damn good deal.” 

As he rolled me onto my back, sliding into me easily, I was starting to agree with him. Until the glow hit his face, and the yellow shined back at me from his eyes. And I knew, as the demon wore John and reminded me of what Hell could be like if he lived, that this deal wasn’t going to ever end as well as it began.


	15. Temptation, Pain, and Acceptance

It left, once again in the midst of taking me, leaving John hovering over me with a look of confusion on his face. I felt a sob build deep inside of me, knowing that a different and far more painful look would take over soon enough. Disappointment, disgust, and he rolled off of me. I turned away, pressing my face into my pillow and let out the burning sobs. Muffling the noise, not wanting to wake Dean or Sam, not wanting John to hear how badly I hurt from just a single look. 

“Tali,” he sounded pained, and I felt broken. “Sweetheart, you have to understand-”

“What?” I groaned, rolling over and brushing tears away. “What do I have to understand? That you hate that it takes your body and then uses me? That it’s trying to prove to me that it’s worth fighting for, just so I know I’ll have companionship in Hell? Do you really know all the things it offered me to bring you back? Do you know how it truly sealed my acceptance?” 

He was barely meeting my eyes, but he shook his head. “I just know it promised no torture. Ten years. And to keep you as its mate.” 

“As you.” I whispered. “It promised to make another you to wear, or a glamour, or I don’t fucking know.” I was gaining steam, needing him to know at least this much. “It promised to BE you in hell, to be YOU for me.” 

He was rolling off the bed, standing next to it and staring down at me. “It won’t BE ME, Tali.” I nodded, I fucking knew this. “It wants to torture me. It wants to know that it can slip inside of me and-” he was running his hand over his face like he could scrub it from his skin. “He uses me to take you, and I can’t stop it. I can’t fucking-”

“Do you think I want it?” Watching his face I saw his eyes tighten. “You think that I want it. That I ENJOY it being inside of you, violating YOU so it can violate ME.” I felt my chest clench. “You don’t know me at all, do you?” I shook my head,and rolled back into my pillow face down. “I really really fucked up.” 

“Tali,” he knelt back on the bed, touching my shoulder and I felt myself tense up. “Sweetheart, please look at me.” Sighing, he seemed to accept that what he had to say would be to my back. “Having it inside of me, knowing when I open my eyes and see you underneath me and not remembering getting inside of you, it tears me apart.” Join the club, I thought. “To know that it promised to-” his fingers were tracing my arm. “That it would BE me for you, to know that it promised that when it has to know we’re trying to kill it-” his hands were in my hair, brushing through the soft curls. “You’ll be alone there, Tali. All alone, and even without torture, even without the other crap that you may be saved from, you’ll still be alone.” 

I rolled over, new tears spilling from my eyes. “I have you now, don’t I?” He nodded. “Then that’s enough, John. Let’s not borrow trouble, please?” 

He curled around me, holding me to his chest and letting his beating heart calm me. Sniffling, I could feel him touching me softly. “I hate that it takes you, that it touches you, even if it is using my hands.” His voice was low, quiet and soft. “I never want you to associate it with me, Tali, whatever it does-” He sounded tormented by the thought it hurt me during the times it held him at bay. 

“It hasn’t hurt me,” which was true. It hadn’t given me the education of its twisted urges, yet. And if John and the boys killed it, it never would. “It’s you, but not you.” I knew I wasn’t explaining it well, but he needed to know. “I hate that its eyes aren’t yours.” Yellow instead of the molten caramel would never be right to me. “I hate that it takes pleasure in making you feel like this.” I hate that you’re going to have to kill it, that not only will Hell be lonely, but I’ll be in agony until I get there. 

“Let me take it away.” I looked up at him in confusion. “Let me,” his mouth found mine and he rolled me onto my back. “Let ME be the last thing you feel before we go to sleep, Tali, let it be ME.” And he slid into me and I finally understood. He hated that the last touch I’d have before going to bed was its. That he wanted to be the last goodnight I had, and I wanted that too. 

“Please,” I pleaded, my hands touching his face like he was my deity. “Make me forget it.” And John Winchester tried his damndest to do just that.


	16. A Dream is A Wish...

The trials came fast and furious. Ghosts, goblins, the lesser evils, the greater. I was left on my own a great deal while the Winchesters went back into the family business as a threesome. There were werewolves, a trip to Hollywood, and a prison stint. Between jobs, they’d come back to my house, and we’d try to figure out the riddle of the demon’s urges where Sam was concerned. I refused to speak of his own connection to me, it didn’t matter. It couldn’t matter. 

I didn’t have to do much research for them. Bobby Singer knew the majority of their foes, and I could focus on my classes. Grading and teaching as though I didn’t have a limited time on earth. A limit to how much I could teach and learn. A limit to how long I could LIVE.

And then, at the beginning of December, Dean and John were taken by a djinn. I knew, as soon as Sam called to tell me they were headed back, by the tone of his voice, that whatever the two men had seen wasn’t something that was easy to escape from. 

Neither of them, when they walked into the house, could meet my eyes. I shook my head and considered what I knew about the powers of the djinn. They fed from their victims while soothing them with a living hallucination of their greatest wishes. John’s inability to meet my gaze was simple enough to explain. He’d seen Mary, obviously. Mary and him, alive, together, and happy. It hurt, certainly, but it wasn’t as though he hadn’t admitted that he still loved her. Hell, this entire quest to kill the demon was because of her.

Dean, on the other hand, had me confused. What could the genie had made him see that would make eye contact with me so fucking difficult? Unless- unless he’d seen Mary too. And the reminder that I wasn’t her. That his mom wasn’t here. That I was, but that I was a sorry substitute for her.

I swallowed my hurt pride, my worry, and went back to my last round of grading before winter break. The final papers in front of me, the Winchesters helping themselves to the freshly stocked kitchen, I could almost pretend we were family.

I went to bed alone. John and Dean were both so tense and Sam looked nearly as uptight, that sitting with them in the same room was unnerving. I needed a break, which seemed so strange given that they’d just gotten back. The undercurrent in the room they gathered was too oppressive, and so I said a quiet ‘good night’ and retired to my room. 

I was curled on my side facing the window when I heard John sigh and felt the bed dip. “Tali?” His voice was quiet, testing to see if I was awake, but I didn’t acknowledge him. “I feel like I’ve screwed this up every second since I’ve come back.” Still quiet, but I kept my breathing even, listening to him. “I thought Hell was torture. This? Knowing that you’d give your fucking soul for ME? I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you.” I felt the burning sting warning me of tears brewing in my eyes. He groaned, and I felt the bed dip further as he lay down, not touching me, but close enough so I could feel the warmth of his skin. “I’m going to lose you, Tali. I know it. Seeing her-” my chest clenched, being proven right didn’t make it hurt less. “Knowing that I should be seeing YOU.” I felt the first tear fall. “I should leave. Let you have peace for your ten years. Let you find someone better for you. Someone who fucking deserves you.” I waited, certain I’d be waking up to an empty bed in the morning. “I’m selfish, sweetheart.” He rolled over, pressing himself tight against my back, curling into my body. “Because I want your final ten years to be by my side, even if I haven’t earned them. Not yet, anyway.” 

I didn’t wake up alone the next morning. John had fallen asleep after curling around me and confessing his supposed sins to what he’d assumed was my sleeping body. I hadn’t slept. Not even a wink. Which is why I didn’t wake up alone. Instead, when the first light of day peeked through the curtains, I carefully extracted myself from his warmth, dressed, and took a long walk alone.

Thinking about what he said, what he admitted to me from the first moment he’d come back almost, took me all the way to the school. I’d always known how he felt about Mary. He wasn’t exactly the greatest at hiding it, and I hadn’t wanted him to. I’d been selfish, even in agreeing to give my soul to have him back. After all, the deal had only been sweetened by the offer of the demon to role play as John in Hell for me. 

I leaned against one of the bare trees in the quad and contemplated my choices. I could, knowing what I knew, give myself the allowance to take what comfort I could in John for what time I had left. Or, and while it made my heart pound uncomfortably in my chest, I could let go. Give myself the final years of my life to enjoy it without the angst of knowing that given the same choice as me, John would have picked Mary. 

My cell vibrated in my pocket drawing me out of my thoughts. I worried it would be John, but it was Mom. 

“Hello?” I knew I sounded off, I could hear it myself, but I never hid anything from her before. 

“When are you leaving?” Right, Christmas was around the corner and I always spent break with my family. “I want to make sure that your dad doesn’t decide to go hunting and miss your arrival.” 

I smiled. A real break. Telling her that I had to post the final grades for my classes and I’d be on the road by the end of the week, I told her how much I loved her and that I had to tell her something when I got home. We said our goodbyes, and I realized that I could use the time home to make a final decision about my remaining time. And my mom would be the best sounding board I could ever ask for.


	17. Decisions, Choices

When I returned, after continuing my walk, still letting my thoughts try to untangle themselves, all three Winchesters were awake and having coffee. Sam was on his laptop, working on either a new lead or a new case. Dean was eating a poptart with enough enthusiasm I could almost pretend that he hadn’t been so awkward the night before. And John looked at me like he had a thousand questions, but couldn’t think of how to ask any of them. 

“Morning,” I offered, grabbing a glass of juice. “I really need to finish my grading today, so-” I started for the bedroom and felt John match my pace. “What’s up?” I still sounded off, but I couldn’t deal with whatever he was willing to talk about now that I was awake. 

“Tali, sweetheart, I’m sorry.” I stopped just outside my bedroom door. 

“For what?” I looked up and saw that he didn’t have the same issue with meeting my eyes as he had the night before. “What do you have to be sorry for, John?”

He sighed, and reached out to touch what I could only imagine was the bag under my eye. “You heard me, didn’t you?” I licked my bottom lip and waited. “Tali, I don’t want to keep hurting you.”

I tried to smile, and hoped it worked, but the way he was staring down at me I had doubts. “I know. And you won’t.” It sounded pained, I was losing the battle to keep myself steady. “I’m going home for Christmas. Actually, I’m going home until the next semester starts. You guys can stay here, or use it as your base, but since Mom and Dad don’t know-”

“You haven’t told them?” I shook my head. “Oh.”

“I’m planning on doing it over break.” I swallowed. “I just need some time-”

I watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed. “I understand.” That made one of us, I thought. “I wish-”

“Me too.” And then I walked into the bedroom and tried like hell to pretend I was working, while swallowing past a lump that seemed to keep growing.

I did get most of my work finished. I could hear the murmurs of the Winchesters’ voices through the door, and I left the confines of the room for snacks twice. John and the boys would call out to me and I’d answer, but that was the extent of our interaction. I wasn’t sure, as I got ready for bed that night, if he’d join me, but once I turned out the light and rolled onto my side, it wasn’t long until the door opened and I felt the bed dip again.

I waited, wondering if he’d feel the urge to purge his pain again. If he’d tell me to stay, or thank me for leaving. At first he simply lay down beside me, but then, I felt him pull me into his body.

“I know you’re awake, sweetheart, so come here.” And then my head was on his chest and his fingers were sliding down my bare arm. “I love you, Tali Sullivan. I know that-” he stopped, and I felt him swallow hard. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t. And I will understand if you tell me to pack it up and go, I will. I just hope like hell you don’t. I want to spend the time we have left together. Side by side.” 

I felt like I was being pulled apart at the seams. “I can’t live in her shadow, John. I can’t.” I hadn’t wanted to say it, but it was true. “What the two of you had, what you lost, I understand that it leaves a mark. I really do, but I won’t spend my time with someone who spends his wishing for someone else, no matter how much he thinks he loves me.” 

His hand had stilled on my skin. “What are you saying?”

I propped my chin on his chest so he could look down and see my eyes. “I’m saying, John, that I’m going to spend the holidays with my parents. I’m going to tell them what I’ve done. I’m going to tell them that you’re back because of me. And while I’m doing that, I want you to think long and hard about whether you love me, or whether you feel indebted to me for this-” I gestured to his body. “Because one of those is worth spending the rest of my life with, but the other?” I shook my head, “the other isn’t worth anything at all.”

I packed and was gone by the end of the week. Three gifts were on the bar, they guys were on a hunt, and I didn’t think about the stilted farewell John and I had before they’d driven off. He had things to work out and so did I. 

Pulling onto the freeway, I wondered just how I was going to explain to my mom that I’d sold my soul for John Winchester? And how the Hell my dad was going to take it?


	18. Holidays, Confessions, and the Countdown

Dad wasn’t home when I arrived, but not because he was hunting. He had run to the store after realizing he’d forgotten my walnuts. A Christmas tradition from my childhood, what used to fill an entire stocking was now kept in a bowl near my favorite chair during the holidays. Or would, but he’d forgotten to pick them up during his first trip to the store. And so my mom greeted me as I carried in my messenger bag. My suitcase could wait for now, but I couldn’t with the urge to feel the peace of the house I grew up in overwhelming me more than I could articulate.

The peace was short lived. I sat Mom down and watched as she went from shocked to pissed in under a minute. Livid, I thought she would burn the entire house down before Dad got back with my walnuts.

“You did what?!” She asked for the thousandth time it seemed. Claire O’Malley Sullivan, my mother, was what I had once imagined I would look like when I grew up and had my own family. Same hair, same eyes, same need for glasses, and same short stature. She was glaring at me as though she’d never met me before, and I knew the feeling. “Tali Rebecca Sullivan, you were NOT raised to make such a frivolous and asinine deal.” No kidding, Mom. “I understand that you missed him, but this? This is too high a price to pay.”

I couldn’t argue with her, hadn’t I been tossing around that very idea before I arrived? It still hurt, feeling more idiotic with every single moment that came from agreeing to the demon’s deal until the moment I told her, but it wasn’t like I could take it back.

“John and Dean got taken by a djinn a few days ago,” my voice was quiet, racked with pain at the reality of what John’s deepest desire was. “Neither one of them could look me in the eyes when they came back.”

Mom snorted, and I shot her a look of disbelief. “Of course they couldn’t. John saw Mary, because I swear to God she had him wrapped around her little finger from the moment she agreed to go out on their first date.” She settled back into her chair, reminding me that her Irish temper burned fast and bright, but also calmed just as quick. “And Dean?” I kept my eyes on her. “That boy has been in love with you since you two were four years old.” Another flash of guilt ran through me, this time over the pain that Dean must still be feeling. “You gave your SOUL for John, Tali. If a genie showed me that my only wish was still to be with you, I’d probably have issues with eye contact too.”

Dad wasn’t much better when I told him. He didn’t rage, Sean Sullivan wasn’t known for irrational acts. No, he simply simmered. Ever so often I’d catch him looking at me and could feel the disappointment rolling in waves off of him.

I had never had this type of reaction from my parents. The most I’d gotten into trouble over was being out too late or being caught kissing on the porch after curfew. This, going against every single bit of my upbringing and giving up my own soul for another person, was the worst of the worst.

The spirit of the season took over, leaving that same undercurrent flowing. From disappointment to a tinge of fear, I could almost pinpoint the moment when it went from seeing me as a source of pain to seeing the countdown begin in their eyes. Counting down the moments they’d have with me between now and the end.

I spent the majority of my winter break with my phone off. I rarely went online. My time was filled with seeing the people I’d gone to school with, making memories with family that I only got to see during the holidays, and making sure, I hoped, that everyone knew how much I loved them.

Eventually though, every break has to end. And so, the day before New Year’s Eve, Dad helped me pack up my car with my gifts and my bags. He pulled me into a tight hug, whispering into my hair how much he loved me and I knew, even though he didn’t understand, he forgave me. Mom handed me a few tin containers of the cookies that we’d baked together, begrudgingly asking that I give them to John and the boys, and then repeated the same bone-crushing hug that Dad had given me.

I knew I had close to ten years to say good-bye, but I also realized that it would take all of that time to make sure I did it properly. As I drove away, heading back to my regular life, I felt a contentment in knowing that regardless of John’s choice regarding his feelings for me, I’d made peace with my decision.

I saw the Impala parked in front of my house when I finally arrived and felt a tug and pull to be with the three of them. Even if John decided it was the feeling of owing me and he wanted to pull back, I knew that having them in my life as anything would be enough. And lucky for me, as he rushed to open my car door, I saw that he’d made a completely different choice.

His mouth met mine and I knew, with as much certainty that I had for anything, that John Winchester and I would be side by side, until my very end.

Little did I know that in a few short months, our entire world would would be upturned. And no one knew everything about anything, not even me.


	19. New Year New...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: HUGE fucking warning. When I first wrote the one-shot that this was SUPPOSED to be, I never considered any of this. And then, when I decided that Tali was going to make the ultimate deal, knowing exactly how the hunters in her life would feel about it, things started to roll faster. 
> 
> This chapter came to me as I was dealing with my allergies (yeah, me and that medication). It's the beginning of the end, but then-- as someone once said, when one door closes another one opens. (That's my promise to make this bear fruit, hopefully.)

New Years was rung in with a long lingering kiss from John, followed by a very long, very lingering lovemaking that made both of us completely useless the next day. A new year, I thought, rolling over and staring at the man I loved sleeping, and possibly a new outlook with John and I. 

I settled back into my new semester, Hank my ever present student telling me that I looked well rested and that he hoped I enjoyed my holidays. There was an edge to his voice, and for a moment I feared the demon had found a new host, but then he smiled and rushed out of the classroom. 

Classes for me and the guys rushing around hunting to keep busy while we all researched, trying to figure out what precisely was coming kept our minds locked and fully engaged. Fruitless, it seemed, was our search. I felt like I should know its name. The demon I’d made the deal with the one who was so obsessed with the Winchester family. I didn’t have time to realize that I hadn’t been contacted by it since it warned me that its death would deal me my own harsh blow. 

The months seemed to flash by, and right before spring break, as I was posting the midterm grades, I got the call. Sam was missing, again, and John, Dean, and Bobby were hot on the trail. Something stirred inside of me, a chill of knowing that this, whatever it was was the first signal for whatever we’d been waiting for.

It came to me, not in flesh, but in a dream. Reminding me that if it was taken out of the playing field, permanently as the Winchesters intended, I would be the one paying heavily. I couldn’t argue or speak as it morphed from a vague creature of smoke into the man I loved and promised that all I had to do was to call them off. To prove to it that I was willing to fulfill my FULL debt. 

The call comes soon after. John, sounding like his entire world was falling apart, told me about Sam’s death. About losing his youngest son, and how Dean was refusing to let them give him a hunter’s send off. I asked, no I begged to speak to Dean, but then as though the world wasn’t being ripped in two already, the phone died. 

I felt it, when the death blow came to the demon that held my soul in its hands. Part bone chilling cold, part flickering flames of Hell, I knew before I got another call from John that it was gone. And when it went, I finally remembered its name: Azazel. The breath left me, felt a hint of the pain I would have to endure for my final three months of life and then, the phone rang.

Sam was alive, and as soon as I saw him and met Dean’s eyes I knew. Two disappointing children of hunters, me and Dean Winchester. John looked more haunted than he had when he woke up hovering over my prone body after he returned and I was curious, but not enough to ask. Everything felt wrong. Sam, staring at me with a colder look. Dean looking like he wanted to throw up or choke on the words he so clearly wanted to say. And John, staring at me like he finally knew everything, but had no way to solve any of it. 

Dean helped me in the kitchen the next morning. John seemed exhausted and could barely say a word, settled for holding me the entire night until sleep finally took him. And Sam? Sam wasn’t Sam, but I couldn’t put my finger on why.

“Aren’t we a pair?” I asked, watching as he made coffee while I toasted some bread. “Love them so much we gave up ourselves.” I wanted him to confirm it. I knew it was true, but I needed to KNOW it was. 

“I only get a year.” He was speaking to the dripping coffee pot and I was thankful for that, since I was certain my face showed far more pain that I wanted him to see. “One year, Tali, at least you made a better bargain.”

I nearly snorted, thinking about how painful part of those ten years were going to be, but I held it in. “One year?” I was staring at the toaster, hoping against hope that I could get myself steady. “Never thought I’d have to say goodbye to you first, Dean.” 

He gave a quiet chuckle. “Thought you already did.”

I got another shock later, when Dean and Sam ran out for our dinner. John pulled me into his lap, burying his face into my loose hair, and sighing. “It told me, Tali.” I waited, pretty sure what Azazel had confessed to, but not wanting to have to mention it. “It told me what its death meant for you.” I swallowed and nodded. “And I still killed it.” 

It wasn’t as hard as one might think to push all the angst and the fear away. I couldn’t change what was coming. Dean’s descent to Hell. My own ticking clock. None of it would be stopped by worry or angst. I kept putting one foot in front of the other and taught like it was any other school year. I made love to John every chance we got. I kept the kitchen stocked with the Winchesters’ favorites, and I tried like Hell to push the uneasy feeling I felt around Sam far away.

I was working late, John and the boys were on an extended hunt and the house felt empty without them, so I offered later office hours. Hank and another student, a girl named Maggie had asked to speak with me about a collaborative project they wanted to try. As we sat, chatting about their ideas, I could have sworn I saw the familiar flash of yellow in each of their eyes. Brushing the idea away, certain I was simply on edge, I was about to give them the go ahead when Hank spoke and my blood ran cold.

“Our brother died at the hands of your lover,” the yellow in his eyes no longer a flash, but a glow. “I never understood his absolute obsession with his plan, or with you-” It tilted its head to study me. “What would warrant him wanting to keep you for a mate?”

“I assumed it was to torture the Winchesters,” Maggie, eyes as yellow as Hank’s, sounding bored. “His plan was too ambitious, and he failed to ask for our help.” She was studying me too, and I felt a tug of fear. “I could have laughed at his idiocy in thinking that telling the father about her pain if he should be killed would stop him from taking vengeance.”

“Azazel never could fathom matters of human love.” Hank, no the demon wearing him offered. “We can’t alter the deal he made with you, Dr. Sullivan,” the way it said my name was mocking and horrible. “But we can alter what comes before it’s fulfilled.” 

I opened my mouth to speak, but it was cut off by the girl’s hands wrapping around my throat. “Open wide, ‘princess’, time to take you for a spin.” And then I felt it, my own mind and consciousness being forced into a dark corner of my body, as this thing, this demon took over.


	20. Fighting...Resignation...Waking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The line for slapping me starts after JDMsNegan.

I want to say that I was able to fight it. The female demon who decided to wear me like a new set of clothes. That I was able to push her out. To purge her from me and win the war for who was in control of my body.

I can’t say that, though, not without lying. I tried. God and the angels know I tried to fight her. To beat her for the upper hand, but that would be beyond false.

She let me see flashes. John, mumbling that I was more aggressive with him, but that he liked it. Dean staring at me with the same sense of wrongness I had felt for Sam. And a flash, pure black, of Sam seeing me as though he could SEE me.

These flashes, they came less and less, and I was forced further and further away from the forefront of my own body. It would have been maddening, but I kept trying, so very desperately to get John to realize that the body he loved was inhabited by a parasite. Nothing worked. Not the attempts I made to leave a message on the steamed glass of the bathroom mirror. Not the hiss of pain I made her feel when I forced my hand into a grain of salt. Nothing seemed to help my plight.

I lost track of time. One moment it felt like she’d only just taken over me, and the next I was certain I’d been lost for a hundred years. The torture I would be spared in Hell, it seemed, was to be inflicted while I was alive. Alive and at the mercy of this monster sharing my body.

When I woke up, fully and finally in possession of my own body again, I didn’t know where I was. Not only was the feeling of being able to use my own limbs foreign, but the room wasn’t mine. There was no window. The bed was almost the same, but not quite. And then, as though I wasn’t feeling completely out of my depth enough, something kicked me. From the inside.

I was alone in this strange room and strange bed, but for whatever was kicking me and the scent of John Winchester enveloping me. John’s scent managed to calm me slightly, and forced the invader inside of me to launch another assault on my kidney.

I had to roll from the bed, because, as my mind was finally catching up I was very pregnant. Very pregnant, I thought, finding the lamp and clicking it on to look down my body to see how distended my stomach was. If I wasn’t already on my feet, I would have worried they were missing since I couldn’t see them.

I wondered how long I had been displaced inside my own body. There wasn’t a calendar, but I noticed a cell phone by the lamp and after a few tries got the screen to show a date. My bladder was screaming from the kicking inside of me, but I couldn’t focus on finding the bathroom when I saw the year flash up. Months. I only had months left. That thing had stayed inside of me until I had no time left. I wondered, as my hand absently curled over my huge bump, how long I had to go before I gave birth? Did I know what I was having? Had John and I decided to start a family, and if we had, why NOW?

I heard a gentle knock on the door to the room as I sat staring at the wall. “Tali?” An unfamiliar voice, deep and soothing somehow. “Dr. Sullivan, Dean and John asked me to check on you while they’re-”

“Come in?” It came out a question, but honestly, I had no clue where I was or who this person could be. A man with dark hair and kind eyes came in, bearing an uncanny resemblance to a human puppy, while wearing a khaki colored trench coat. He looked as uncertain as I felt, but then he took in the look on my face and rushed forward.

“You’re different,” he started to reach out to touch my face, but stopped himself as though I was going to strike out. “Dr. Sullivan? Are you-”

“Where am I?” I couldn’t hold back the tears that had begun blurring my vision. “What is this place?”

The man, whose name I still didn’t know, touched my cheek and I felt such an overwhelming peace settle over me. “You’re you, aren’t you?” I squinted, trying hard to understand the question. “I’m Castiel, an angel of the Lord.” My mind worked to process his words. “You’re in the bunker, it’s a safe place that the Men of Letters created.” More words that I knew the meaning of, but not in the context he was using. “You, well whomever was inside of you, wouldn’t allow my touch before.” He took a moment to study my face, and then his hand touched my bump. “The baby is fine, and it’s human, no residual effects from-”

“I only have-” I shut my eyes against the reality of my situation.

“Six months,” Castiel offered, seeming to misunderstand my fight for control as an attempt to do the math. “The child,” my eyes met his and he tried to offer a reassuring smile. “She-” my eyes widened and he stopped, realizing he just broke more news to me. “I apologize,” I nodded, my hand still cradling the foreign bump. “She will come soon, you’ll have-”

“Very little time to get to know her, and-” Say goodbye, thought, my heart clenching painfully in my chest.

“I should show you to the-” he struggled for a word, and I had to smile, clearly he knew what I was pushing aside.

“Ladies room?” I offered, taking his hand and letting me lead me from the room I’d woken in.

Castiel tried to get me up to speed, but he hadn’t been around for all of the past nine years. Dean, he told me, had spent time in Hell, but he seemed proud that he’d raised him from it. Sam had been through his own ordeal, the memory of his black eyes when I’d been possessed flashed through me and he confirmed that he’d lost his own soul for a time. I asked where they were, keeping the biggest question from my lips, even if I had an inkling that he already knew it.

“There’s been-” he sighed, and shook his head. “You woke at a most precarious time, Dr. Sullivan.” I corrected him, again, asking to be called ‘Tali’. “Tali,” he agreed, and I watched him try to gather his thoughts and make the news less anxiety inducing. “There’s a chance, even with Dean-” He stopped again, trying very desperately to work through his words. “The world might be ending, Tali, and Dean is the only one who might be able to stop it.”

Waking up in a place and body, I thought looking down at the bump I was slowly growing accustomed to, that I didn’t know was hard enough. Finding out that the world had kept turning and was in route to a madness that I couldn’t comprehend was worse. But knowing, deep down inside, that John Winchester hadn’t once seemed to notice that I hadn’t been ME for the past nine years was the absolute nightmare that I knew the demons had wanted me to experience.

Hell, without torture, was too good for me. I could see, even with the pain that was coming thanks to Azazel’s death, that his siblings had found a much better punishment. Using my body to violate him, repeatedly, and then allow me to get the family that I wanted with him, months before I’d die and have to leave them behind.

I waited, first with Castiel, and then with Rowena the immortal witch that was helping the Winchester men figure out a way to stop the world from ending, and her son, Crowley the king of Hell. They took turns, and all three had apparently sensed that I hadn’t been who John swore I was, but had been powerless to convince him.

“A glamour,” Rowena nodded, but I felt that she was simply trying to convince me, so close to popping with the invader growing inside of me. “She must have used a glamour to keep him bewitched.”

Crowley wasn’t as quick to sugarcoat things, but he seemed as upset by my predicament as his mother and the angel. “He wants to see what he wants to see,” he growled at one point, but sighed and took my hand. “I wish I could fix it, my dear. I do, but sadly-”

“A deal’s a deal,” I whispered, even as the day turned unnaturally dark outside the bunker.


	21. Letting Go...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepared for any and all hate...Sort of. Please be kind :(

I will never quite understand why Crowley, Rowena, and Castiel took so quickly to me when I regained control over my body. I will never know why they chose to care so deeply for my comfort, or why they were quick to stand by my side when John and Sam came back first, without Dean, once the sky cleared and we seemed safe from whatever wreckage this being called Amara had planned to create.

John tried to gather me into his arms, but I flinched away and he seemed to realize that something had changed. Sam’s eyes met mine and I saw a sliver of understanding flash through him. 

“Tali?” Sam asked, voice quiet as though I were a frightened, cornered animal. “It’s really you?” 

“Of course it’s her,” John growled, looking between us as though someone had lost their mind. “Tell him you’re fine, sweetheart,” but I could see the uncertainty coming to him.

“You didn’t notice, did you?” I could barely hear myself, but the pain that rushed through me was powerful enough to make our child come to life and thrash me. “Sam knew, or had an idea. Dean probably did too. These three,” I gestured to my new bodyguards standing around me, “they knew. But you-” I swallowed against the tears that once again threatened to overwhelm me, “the man who is supposed to be in love with me, you didn’t even question it.” I shook my head as he started to argue against what I was trying to explain. “It’s fine. I’ll be fine.” I had already packed, while Rowena had tried to convince me to stay. “I’m going to go visit my parents, Cas tells me that I- she hadn’t wanted to, I want time to say goodbye.”

“Tali, please,” his eyes landed on our child’s current home. “Think of-”

I nodded, not surprised he’d be focused on another of his offspring. “I can’t NOT think of her, John. I woke up with her inside of me and a clock winding down on my time here.” I started to grab my bag, but Crowley took it for me. “I’ll-” Another hard swallow, past the lump that seemed to be my new constant companion. “I’ll let you know when she arrives, and we’ll make arrangements then.” 

He tried, God knows he tried to talk me out of it, but as I was getting into my car (thankful that the demon whore hadn’t gotten rid of it), I saw Dean arrive with his mother beside him and I knew that John would be happily diverted from my absence soon enough. After all, I had never been equal to Mary Winchester in his eyes.

My parents, who I’d called ahead of time, were as surprised by my condition as I had been. They were less shocked when they learned about my possession, knowing that with time ticking away there would have to be a good reason that I’d pushed away from them. Knowing that John hadn’t realized that I wasn’t myself did nothing to endear him to them, and knowing that by some means Mary had returned from the dead didn’t make matters easier. 

Crowley and Rowena had gone with me, and after a moment’s hesitation, my parents had accepted them as my new friends. Castiel was an easier sell, when he arrived days later, to try to fill us in on Mary, Dean, and the news that I’d left behind. An attack by a woman came not long after I’d left. A member of the British Men of Letters, who had taken Sam after holding the angel at bay. 

He’d waited until he had helped the other Winchesters free him, and came to me as soon as he could. Dean was torn. Having his mother back was a wish he’d had since she’d died, but losing me, so close to my impending demise wasn’t an easy thing to deal with. I didn’t ask about John, nor did Cas offer me anything and I knew I’d been right. Mary, his ONE was back, and so Tali, even Tali with his child ripe to burst out, was nothing in comparison. 

Cas touched my stomach and told me I didn’t have long. And I felt so much fear and pain that he had to give me a touch of his grace to calm me. I woke up with this baby, a baby that the man I loved created with my body, but NOT me, and now I would give birth as alone as I’d woke up. 

“You won’t be alone,” Rowena, seeing the thought grip me and rush across my face, promised. “You won’t be.”

My parents had been watching and listening and promised the same. That I wouldn’t be alone for a moment from now until I left the earth. And then Crowley offered his own assurance.

“And I will take your hand, Tali, and together we’ll walk into hell.” His eyes were warm, something I’d found shocking upon our first meeting. “I won’t take you as your deal maker promised,” and I felt myself blush at the reminder of the conditions of my deal. “But you can keep me company.”

“I as well,” Rowena offered, taking my hand. “You’ll not be alone again, Tali.” 

I had a family, I realized, just not the one I expected. And not one I would have in entirety for long enough.

Visits with Castiel weren’t as often as visits from Rowena and Crowley. I was a little surprised by my parents' acceptance of the witch and king of Hell’s presence, but my mom admitted that she wanted to know I’d be taken care of when my debt came due. And I made her make a promise that she didn’t hesitate to make. That when I died, when I was gone, she and my dad would raise my daughter. Without John Winchester’s help for one single moment. Because if there was one thing I wouldn’t have, it was my child, even a child I had no real part in creating, being raised by Mary Winchester. A woman who would forever replace me, but not with my own daughter. 

I gave birth, easily thanks to Castiel’s presence, to Abigail Alice Sullivan two weeks after returning to my childhood home. Rowena was in the room, near my head whispering encouragement and possibly spells to help me through it, as my mom held one hand and my dad held my other. She was so incredibly tiny, with a crown of dark hair, and my green eyes shining from her wrinkly little face that I wasn’t sure how I could love her so much.

I hadn’t been present during her conception, but she was so very much mine. And she was proof, that for however little time I’d had John’s love, that I had had it. She took the milk that my body made for her, but I knew I wouldn’t breast feed her for too long. She had to get used to formula, since I wouldn’t be alive long enough to wean her properly. And I wanted her to be content in my parents’ arms. 

I agreed to let Cas tell John and the boys. Leaving Mary out, even while knowing she’d be present, because my heart wouldn’t take the reminder of her on the day my daughter came into the world. I warned him that I wouldn’t take calls or visits, that he was to be sure to let them know that. My final months were mine. Mine and my family’s to spend in peace. 

I had two months full of learning my daughter’s noises and how her weight felt in my arms. The way she seemed so inquisitive, how hungry she could be, but also how sweet she smelled. I could swear I counted her soft hairs, and memorized how long her dark eyelashes were against her fair skin. And I knew that the days were trickling by, and that my pain would begin when I least expected it.

I took the time, while Abi slept, to write out farewells. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to during the last three months to say goodbye or even to put them down on paper, so I wanted to be preemptive. Giving the task to Rowena to deliver them when I was gone, and forcing her to promise that I wouldn’t be given a hunter’s funeral, I tried, through my words to make peace with everyone I’d leave behind.

I woke up, on the day that my last three months began, feeling as though my entire body was on fire. And then the real pain began. As though my bones were breaking over and over. As if my heart was pounding too fast, and my lungs couldn’t find enough air. I was incapable of screaming, the pain so great that I couldn’t make a sound, but I prayed. I prayed for Cas, for Crowley, and for Rowena. And they came. All within moments of my first feeling of fire, within seconds of the first feeling of ripping and breaking. 

Cas tried using his grace to lessen the pain, but it seemed to amplify it. Rowena was forced to take Abi to my parents, forced to ask them not to witness what I was going through, because through her eyes, when I managed to open my own, I saw how wracked with pain I was. 

Crowley looked at a loss for a solution, knowing as I knew that any attempts to hasten my deal would make the promise of torture free Hell obsolete. We’d talked, before this had happened, about how airtight the demon had made his deal. And it pained him that his hands were tied in this, my situation. 

And so, they watched. Trying through any means at their disposal to help me through it. 

The end came far easier than it began. The flames that seemed to dance through my body started to cool. The ripping and tearing became bearable. And I was finally able to speak.

“Abi?” I felt cool hands on my head and looked into Cas’ face. “Please? I want to-”

And then her tiny face was close to mine, and I was kissing her goodbye, even as I felt another hand take mine. Standing beside Crowley, looking at the body I was leaving behind, surrounded by the rest of my family, I felt a clench of pain, but also a feeling of peace. 

“We have to go, my dear,” he was saying. “You don’t want to watch them mourn you,” and I knew he was right. The peace would leave me if I had to see it, my parents and the others saying goodbye to my mortal shell. And so I turned, letting him distract me from the sobs behind me, and walked willingly into Hell.


	22. The Way Time Moves...A New Temptation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm working fast on this one right now, BUT I actually know how this is going to finish and so..

Hell. It was NOT what I expected. Well, the part I was introduced to wasn’t, anyway. I was shown to a well appointed room, and while the color scheme was gothic, I could almost pretend I was alive and well. Almost.

Crowley kept me close at first. Showing me to a small seat next to his ‘throne’ and letting me sit with him as he dealt with the business of running the underworld. Rowena would take me with her to her own space, talking to me as she did what witches do. Giving me a break from the thoughts that threatened to push their way through. 

How Abi was, if my parents were pushing past their pain at the loss of me to focus on her? I didn’t ask how anyone took the letters I’d written, I was desperate to move forward, away from what I’d left behind.

Time moved differently in Hell. I had no way of knowing if I was sleeping while it was night, or if I’d been dead for days or years. And a part of me was happy that I didn’t. Another part of me wanted to know what I was missing, but that knowledge would be the torture I’d been promised I’d be spared from.

I caught, accidentally of course, Rowena and Crowley in several heated discussions. Talks that would stop as soon as they spotted me. I knew, from the brief time I’d come into their orbit that they had a strained relationship to start with, but I couldn’t fight the niggling feeling that they were discussing me.

I was in Rowena’s shop, touching tiny glass vials of the ingredients she used for her craft, when she finally asked me a question that seemed to plague her. 

“If you could go back,” I turned to face her in disbelief. “If it were possible, with stipulations, would you?” 

I considered her question. My knee jerk reaction would have been a resounding yes, but if I’d learned anything from the ill fated deal that found me in my current predicament, it was to weigh my options carefully without relying on my emotions. “I suppose it depends on the stipulations.” I wanted Abi back in my arms. I wanted to be able to hug my parents. And I wanted to be able to see and talk with Cas, but also have Crowley and Rowena a part of my life. 

“Of course it would matter what you’d be giving up to go back,” she said, measuring her words as carefully as she was measuring the dust she was working with. “You’d want your family-” I flinched, worried she would include the Winchesters in that group. “Your REAL family, Abigail, your parents, to be included in your life.” I nodded, turning back to my inspection of her jars. “A change of scenery, perhaps, away from where anyone who may come snooping around wouldn’t think to look.” I felt my heart being to pound hard, which made no sense, since I was dead. “A new chance, a chance at a life cut down before it could be lived.” She sounded like she was making up her mind about something. “Would you want him erased from your memories?” And I wondered if this was an offer, or idle chit chat.

“IF I went back,” I was careful, not wanting to show just how badly I was tempted by the image she painted. “I’d want no reminder of how my daughter was created.” And I didn’t. Since I hadn’t been there, not really, why should I remember that he had been. “A fresh start, further north, but still teaching.” I could hear the yearning in my voice. 

“Without his memory, the others would go too.” Dean and Sam, I knew as clearly as if she’d said their names. Could I sacrifice their time in my life to rid myself of the pain that came from loving their father? “You’d have your child, you parents-”

“Would I have you and Crowley?” I turned again, facing her and letting go of the vagueness of our conversation. “And Cas?” 

She nodded, putting down the scoop she’d been holding. “Yes, we’d have to keep an eye out, to make sure-”

“He doesn’t find us.” Another nod. “When and where?” My mind made up, I wanted it. So badly did I want it, that I would have given up another soul to have it.


	23. The Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More is coming, but I thought I'd share the farewells that Tali gave to Rowena to pass out.

Tali’s farewell letters to her loved ones:

Mom,

I know that I disappointed you by giving up my soul, my life for John to come back. I know, even without having been able to see and talk to you over these long years, that you tried to make peace with my choice. Having my body taken over by another demon was just one more strike against me.

I lost the years that I’d planned on spending with you and dad, with John and the boys, with my friends and family simply because I made a deal with a demon. I paid such a high price, but as I look at my little girl sleeping soundly and peacefully in her bassinet beside me, maybe it wasn’t high enough.

I wish that I could watch her grow. I wish that I could see her when she says her first word. I wonder what it’ll be since she won’t have her momma or her daddy with her? I wish I could stay, and if I had ANOTHER soul- sorry that was a bad attempt at gallows humor. I wish that I didn’t have to go, Mom, but I do.

Love Abi like you loved me. Show her how important our family is, but also remind her that darkness can show up dressed like your greatest desires. I know mine did.

I love you, Mom. You made my childhood magical and my adulthood bearable. I wish for so much, but the one thing I wish I had was more time. Keep my memory alive for her, please. And, once the pain is a dull ache, tell her about John. The good parts, the strength and his loyalty. The fact that he took her momma’s breath away, and gave me her.

Don’t cry, or at least don’t cry too much for me, Mom. Know that I won’t be alone, and I won’t be in pain. I just won’t be here.

Tali

Daddy,

I know that saying goodbye to me isn’t something you’re ready for, and I have to confess I’m not ready either. I didn’t get to do it by plan or design. I didn’t get to reintroduce you and John, this time as members of my family. And I know, even mentioning him now in this letter that Rowena will give you when I’m gone has made your fists tighten on the paper, but please, don’t.

Don’t rage about him. Don’t make threats or promises against him. Remember that the tiny little girl I’m leaving behind is part of him. For her, if not for me, remember that he is her father. Even if he isn’t present, don’t make her doubt herself or her place in your heart based on how you feel about him.

I loved him, Daddy. Too much, you’d say, seeing how this is ending, but isn’t that how the best kinds of love are supposed to be? All consuming and irrational? Even though I’ll be dying for him, know that I’d happily live for HER.

Waking up pregnant, after years of being silent, was the strangest part of this entire situation, but somewhere along the way, I fell completely in thrall with Abi. She’ll be the best of me, left behind when I move on. And I leave her in the very best hands I can, yours. And Mom’s.

Climb trees with her, show her how much I loved the treehouse you built me. Remind her of me, and my childhood, not just with pictures, but with stories. Tell her about the dangers the world holds, but also about the magic.

I love you so much, Dad, and I wish that I could say goodbye in person, but I know what’s coming. And that knowledge forces my hand and my pen on paper is all I can give you. Even in Hell, the memories of my life before will keep me company, and you and Mom can keep me alive for Abi.

Tali

Castiel,

If someone had told me ten years ago that one day I’d be writing a farewell letter to an angel, I would have called security on them.

I will never forget that you were the first person (being?) I saw when I came back to myself. That it was YOU who braced me for what was coming. That you stood beside me against the very family that you act as a guardian angel for. This is why I have to say goodbye and thank you.

I know that you care deeply for Dean, and I am very happy that he has you. He’s a lot like his dad, and that impulsiveness can be dangerous. As can his loyalty, and his urge to protect his family. Make him see, if you can, that staying AWAY from Abi is the only way this works. That his job as big brother and protector is best served with Sam. That she’s safe and perfect where she is. He’ll fight it. He is a Winchester after all.

Check in on her, Cas? Make sure that she’s content, even with my parents doting on her and the love she’ll be surrounded in. Leaving her is far more difficult than leaving anyone else, isn’t that funny? I had no real hand in her conception, but she holds me tight in her tiny fist.  
Thank you, for trying to take away the agony I know you’ll try to relieve. Thank you for standing by me, for helping me through my labor, and for being a friend.

I wish- It doesn’t matter. Goodbye, Castiel, Angel of the Lord.

Tali

John and Mary-

There, that was the hard part, I guess. I know that my decision to keep our daughter from you will seem petty and cruel. I honestly don’t care. I found it rather cruel that for almost nine full years you didn’t realize you were keeping company with my body, but not ME.

I tried, and Rowena tried, to convince myself that the thing that was inside of me during the last nine years had beguiled you to not notice that it wasn’t me. I want so badly to believe it. That John Winchester would KNOW, if not for some dark magic clouding his mind. I hope it’s true. I do, but I’m afraid it isn’t and you really truly didn’t know me at all.

Seeing you return, Mary, made my choice that much simpler. John now has the life the djinn gave him hope for, and the two of you can move forward as though nothing but a hiccup of separation had happened. My daughter needs to not bear witness to it.

You see, she’s mine. Even if my mental presence wasn’t required for her creation, my body was, and that made it far too easy to walk away. I had a piece, a reminder, that for a tiny time I was loved by a man I loved so deeply that I’d give my life for. And that’s enough.

You’ll receive this when I’m gone. Just a notice that I’ve departed. Nothing more, nothing less. And you’ll continue on your day as though you read it in the paper. An acquaintance that you fondly recall, in the deep reaches of your mind, but nothing to lose sleep over.

I did love you, John Winchester, but I’ve found peace. I don't regret the deal I made, I only regret the lack of time I've had to prepare to pay my debt. And if nothing else, I’m thankful for that.

I wish the two of you a long happy life together. You’ve both been given a second chance. Make the most of it.

Dr. Tali Sullivan

Sam,

You saw me, I know you did, but I can’t figure out why you didn’t raise the alarm after your soul returned.

It doesn’t matter. Not really. In the end, I was going to die regardless. Maybe not having the memories of nine years with your dad and Dean and you makes it easier to leave.

I wish, for oh so many things, but mostly that you understand why Abi can’t know the three of you. She needs to have a fresh life, away from the burden that being a Winchester can cause. I know you’ll want to argue that having your mother back would change it, but I do hope you understand why that doesn’t make it more reasonable for me.

Time isn’t infinite, Sam, so make sure you spend it wisely. And make sure that you stay far away from the crossroads, because the temptation is always far greater than the consequences.

Tali

Dean-

I hope you take heart in knowing that there’s only one farewell I’ll be writing after yours. That this goodbye is far harder than the ones that came before, and that only your baby sister comes after you.

I woke up, after years of nothing, to find myself in a strange place, with a guest housed inside of me. I wonder, if I’d been aware and myself for those nine years, would I have ever had my doubts about my choice of life partner?

I told John, and you, that I only allowed us to get close because of how much you reminded me of him. I’m not as sure about that anymore. And before you brush it off as being hurt from how easily he was led to believe that I was me, even when I wasn’t me, know that it isn’t the case. I kissed you, Dean Winchester. I touched you. And, if I hadn’t allowed my grief to overwhelm me, I wonder if you wouldn’t have had to see our future through a djinn’s magic?

I know that you’re going to fight Cas’ insistence that you NOT try to know and protect your baby sister, but don’t. Please? She needs to be free, just as I will be soon enough, and you need to take care of yourself for once. She’s not your responsibility, and she won’t be. You have spent your entire life taking care of Sam, and I won’t add her to your burden.

I love you, Dean, perhaps not in the same all consuming way I loved him, but I do love you. And maybe, if I hadn’t wanted him so badly, this wouldn’t have happened. Rookie mistake, choosing emotion over logic. I won’t do that again.

Tali

My darling Abigail-

By the time you can read this for yourself, or even understand the words as they’re read to you, I will be just a photograph that your grandma and grandpa point to while telling you stories about me. And that cuts deeper than any pain that I’ll ever feel or have felt.

I wish that I could watch you grow. I want to be there when you take your first step and say your first word. I want to hear you when you read your first story out loud. And I want to know what passion will make you want to learn as much about as I did mine.

The greatest sorrow I have is that you won’t know me, or your daddy. You’ll have questions, you are my child after all, but please know that I didn’t make the choice lightly. You were created with love, misguided perhaps, but love was there. Your daddy is a great hunter, a man filled with passion and strength, and a man that has his own life to live.

I love you, Abigail Alice. And my biggest regret is that I won’t get to tell you that myself.

Mommy


	24. New York, New Life, New---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEE...I told you I'd make it better...mostly.

Upstate New York, near the Canadian border where I commuted to my position at a nearby college. I bought a house far too big for just Abi and I, but with Mom and Dad right down the road, it was perfect. Quiet, neighbors that we couldn’t see or hear, and enough space for a little girl to grow and learn in. It was all I could hope for.

Rowena and Crowley had helped me settle into my new house. My name unchanged, my life unaltered, only a year had passed since I had died. I couldn’t remember why I’d been in Hell, what had caused me to be sent where I wasn’t tortured, but also wasn’t alive. They only said, I’d earned my way back to my daughter. Abigail Alice Sullivan. I wished, as she stared up at me with wide eyes every morning, that I knew where her dark hair had come from.

Castiel visited soon after we settled in, telling me that he was incredibly happy that I’d found my way back. He mentioned names that slid away from my recall as soon as they passed his lips, which should have bothered me, but didn’t. I was home, a new home certainly, but home nonetheless.

I was picking up Abigail from day care, something I insisted on, much to my parents’ chagrin, but she needed to socialize with other little ones, when I quite literally bumped into a man so charming and handsome I nearly fell over.

Agent Harvey Russell. He introduced himself with a smile and taking in his dark hair, the suit hell even the gun and belt buckle. I found myself licking my lips. And feeling slightly under dressed, I thought, regarding my ‘work’ clothes. A pair of skinny jeans, slightly more filled out than before the birth of my little one, a black tank top with a loose flannel shirt, paired with ballet flats and my auburn hair in a loose knot on top of my head, my ever present glasses perched on my nose. I saw him taking a slow route with his eyes, from my toes to my hair, and fought the urge to squirm.

“Dinner?” I took a moment to blink, trying to decide if he was asking where was a good place to go, or- “Miss Sullivan, would you like to go to dinner with me?”

“Oh,” I felt my breath leave me. A date? Wow. “Um-” Another flick of my tongue against my lower lip and I saw his eyes zero in on the movement. Shit. “Sure.” Wait, did I just-

His smile teased hidden dimples to come out to play, and coupled with the stubble on his face, the twinkle in his eyes, I knew I was done for. “Great, let me get your number.”

We exchanged numbers and then I had excused myself to go further into the building to pick up Abi, and his smile grew. “A little one?” I found my own smile coming out fully. “May I?” He came with me, smiling at the kids playing, including my rather solemn looking little one. She’d begun to toddle around after we’d gotten settled, but she looked so uncomfortable among her peers that my heart twisted.

“Abi,” I held out my arms and she opened hers up. Her weight was still so slight, but according to her pediatrician she was perfect in every way. “Abigail, can you say hello to mommy’s new friend?”

I turned her to face Harvey and watched as he charmed my little girl as easily as he had me.

My parents were happy to keep Abigail for the night of our third date. The first date had been at my house, easier to deal with than actually going out and Harvey had seemed happy that I’d welcome him into our home so quickly. He even, after I asked nicely, left his weapon in his car.

The second date was the movies, a cartoon so Abi could come with, and I could swear that he’d had just as much fun as she did. And now, after two dates, so many nightly and daily phone calls, not to mention texts, emails, and every other manner of communication in between, I planned on letting him spend the night.

Dinner first, after we dropped Abi off at Mom and Dad’s, my parents shot me a strange look when they were introduced to him. Then we went to a quiet Italian place, one glass of wine each, and then a short walk through one of the scenic parks. I felt the stirring of butterflies, something I couldn’t remember feeling last, though I had to think that I’d had something similar with Abi’s dad, surely. Our fingers linked, hips bumping together, and sneaking looks and the occasional kiss.

At my house, the door had barely closed behind us, when he was pulling me into his arms. His mouth found mine and there was no hint of the brushed lip kisses that we’d shared before. Mouths hungrier than we’d been for dinner, I was pulling off his jacket, and he was tugging up my sweater.

Our clothes fell where we stood, and we couldn’t move past the foyer, not yet. Harvey’s hands curved over my hips, and then my legs were around his back, and my back met the wall. It felt natural and right. Tasting one another, letting him slide deep inside of me, and then like we were made for one another, pulling every moan and whimper as we came together for the very first time.

I woke up with my head on his chest, his heart pounding steadily under my cheek. Harvey’s arm around my back, and his face pressed into the top of my head. I wanted to feel like this every single morning. His heat, his heartbeat, all of it.

And as though he could hear my thoughts, he had me on my back and his lips on mine as he showed me how much he wanted me too.

***** A Reminder, Tali doesn't remember John, BUT her parents most definitely do, so meeting Harvey Russell brings this to mind:


	25. Family is Everything

Harvey moved in after we were together a month. His work took him away more than either of us appreciated, but he and Abi bonded during his down time. In fact, I was pretty sure he loved watching Sesame Street as much as she did. I’d hear the two of them laughing about something Elmo was doing while I graded papers in my office, and be tempted away to watch the two of them learning their ABCs. 

He fell into our lives so easily, that even my parents didn’t flinch the first time Abi called him “da-da”. And I swear, he wore the title with more pride than he wore his gun. The ring, the question, the resounding “yes” came soon after. The positive pregnancy test, and the beaming man I’d fallen head over heels for rushed by soon after. Our wedding, which I wanted to take place during autumn, was pushed back so I didn’t feel like it looked like a shotgun type situation. 

Harvey had been called away two weeks before Christmas, Abi and I busied ourselves with picking out decorations for our first major holiday as a family. I heard the sound of Rowena’s voice outside the house, the silence of the newly fallen snow being broken as she seemed to argue with someone. But then the voices cut off, and she was knocking on the door and before I could ask, she just assured me it was a lost traveller. 

I had to drop off the final grades for the first semester at my new school. Mom and Dad had taken Abi shopping for presents, and I was planning on meeting them for dinner in town once I finished. I bumped headlong into a broad shouldered man, and looking up I felt a wave of dejavu hit me. 

“Harvey?” But it couldn’t be. Harvey wore suits and cowboy boots, dressing down only at our house where he’d toss on well worn jeans, but still preferred his boots. “I’m sorry,” the man was staring at me like I’d lost my mind. “You look like-”

“Tali?” He breathed, and I realized his look wasn’t as though I were crazy, but as though he’d seen a ghost. “How are you-”

I took a step back and tried to place him. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” He rubbed over his face with his left hand, wedding ring shining in the harsh winter sunlight. 

“You-” He took a deep breath and stared down at me. “You don’t remember me?” He sounded pained, but I shrugged. He was somewhat familiar, but that could be because he looked so much like Harvey. 

“Did you take one of my classes?” I realized how silly that sounded. “Or did I teach one of your-” Family members, kids? I didn’t want to offend him. 

“Tali, sweetheart-” The voice, the tone, it was stirring something, but then it was gone. “She took it away.” It was more to himself than me so I felt no need to speak. “That witch-”

And then, the strange man who looked very like the man I was going to marry, the man whose child I was carrying inside of me, left as fast as he’d come. I forgot, as soon as he was gone, that he looked anything like Harvey or what he’d said, only that he seemed confused and I didn’t know how to help him.

Harvey came back before I could miss him too much, his hand reaching for the gentle curve of my bump, and snuggling Abi in his arms. 

“My girls,” he whispered, kissing Abi’s dark curls and then my lips. “No more trips until the new year, I put in for a break.” I smiled as he kissed me again. “Just the three of us-”

“And Mom, Dad, Rowena, Crowley, and maybe Castiel,” I giggled, as he sighed. “Family is important, babe.”

He was smiling when he pulled back. Abi giggling along, even if she probably didn’t understand what we were talking about. “Don’t I know it.” 

Christmas morning dawned with a fresh layer of snow and I was pulled from the warmth of our bed by my fiance being more excited than our toddler by the presents waiting under the tree. He had Abi in his lap as I lounged on the sofa, and he was showing her how much more fun the actual gifts were than the wrapping paper. I laughed as she insisted that she loved the box, ripping at the remaining paper as he tried to tempt her with the doll that had been inside. 

“You’re so good with her,” I said, smiling around the cup of cocoa I made myself. Handing him his own cup and a tiny sippy cup of cooled cocoa for Abi, I settled back to watch him rip open his own gifts. 

Everyone met at my parents’ house for dinner. All of us enjoying Harvey trying again, with Dad and Crowley’s help to get Abi to play with the gifts waiting for her there. Rowena and Mom were laughing, but also off to the side with Castiel having tiny whispered conversations, between each rip of paper. 

“It’s rude to gossip and leave me out of it,” I offered, moving closer to them and feeling anxious when the three of them stopped talking and looked at one another guiltily. “What?”

“It’s nothing, Tali,” Rowena answered, linking my arm in hers. “We’re just talking about how good Harvey is with our princess. He’s a natural, isn’t he?”

I let myself be diverted, afraid of what the worried looks between the three of them could mean.


	26. New Year's Eve...And A Blast from the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all those worried that John Freaking Winchester is a quitter...LOL

I was picking up the mail almost a week after Christmas, after coming home with all the snacks and drinks for our private New Years Eve celebration, when I saw what looked like a late holiday card. Thinking it was probably for Harvey or from one of my students, I added it to one of the shopping bags and drove down our driveway careful of the slippery snow that kept coming.

“Here, let me grab those,” Harvey was holding Abi in his arms at the front door as I started to get out of the car. Handing her to me, giving me a kiss on my forehead, he started pulling the shopping out. “Get inside before you catch cold,” he ordered playfully, but I held Abi and the door for him so we could head in together.

I sat my little one down, and smiled as she chased after him to the kitchen. Taking off my coat, scarf, and gloves before kicking off my boots, I listened to him talking to her as he put things away.

“Look at this, Abi-boo,” he was saying as I followed his voice. “Mommy got you the gummy fruits that you love,” I listened as I heard him ripping open the box and then another little tearing sound as he opened a pouch for her. “Here, before she gets in here and tells me-”

“That you’re ruining her dinner?” I offered, making him jump dramatically to earn the giggles of our little girl. I leaned against the doorway and watched him take a gummy from the pouch and wiggle his nose at Abi. “I’m not sure about having another baby, raising the two of you might be enough.”

He grinned and rushed to me to wrap me in his arms, making me squeak and getting more giggles from Abigail. He buried his head in my neck and growled, her giggles hitting a fever pitch as I smacked his shoulder. “You love us, Tali.”

I felt his lips curving against my skin and melted into his touch. “Maybe a little.” A nip to my neck and I nearly moaned, but remembered we had a small audience. “A lot,” I corrected in a breath.

I’d forgotten the mail, the card that had come, as I sat reading Abi a story after her gummy snack and dinner. As I read to her about a good witch, a book that was clearly a gift from her Auntie Ro, Harvey came in with a piping cup of tea for me and a beer for himself. He also had the stack of mail tucked under his arm.

Abi had started nodding off as I read, and Harvey was flicking through the mail, sorting it into his, mine, ours, and trash. Seeing our little one pouting in her sleep, he came over quietly and took her from me.

“I’ll be right back, sweetheart, let me put her in her crib.” I felt a harsh tug on my heart as I watched her tiny body cradled in his arms as he kept rocking slightly as he took her upstairs.

I was nursing my tea, smiling at the logs ready to be lit in the fireplace, when I heard him come back to the living room. Harvey saw where my eyes were focused and went to work building up a fire that was unnecessary for warmth, but completely wanted for the crackle and scent. Once the fire was built, he sat beside me, and tugged so my back was snuggled into his chest.

“This has been the best fucking year of my life,” he whispered into my hair. “Meeting you, hearing Abi call me da-da, convincing you to marry my sorry ass, and now-” his hand touched the slight curve that housed our tiny one, “knowing that I get to experience it from the very beginning? I don’t think next year stands a fucking chance of topping this year.”

I bit my lip and let my hand cover his. “I know.” I was watching the flames, my tea forgotten, and just enjoying the feeling of his heart beating against my back. “I didn’t think, coming back after-” I’d told Harvey the truth, about my death and my resurrection. I never wanted us to have secrets, and with his background, the shadowy agency he worked for, he took the knowledge in stride. As he did Cas’ identity, Rowena and Crowley’s truth, all of it. He just listened and said that knowing about the darkness of the world made his job make a hell of a lot more sense. “I only thought I’d have my family, but then I crashed into you.”

Harvey’s arms tightened around me. “Best fucking crash of my life, Tali.”

We rang in the New Year on the soft rug in front of the fire. Taking our time, feeling every inch of skin covering one another, and savoring every second. Harvey made my name sound like a prayer and I worshipped him just as easily. He finally carried me to our bed, and we started over. If whomever you spend New Year’s Eve with is who you spend the new year with, then we wanted to make damn sure that we cemented it.

The next morning, as Harvey made pancakes, I picked up our discarded clothes off the living room floor and noticed the mail still waiting to be opened. After I tossed the dirty laundry in the hamper, I grabbed up the piles and brought them into the kitchen in time to see him making silly faces and noises while Abi laughed from her high chair.

“One day,” I offered, sitting down at the table and cutting up Abi’s pancake into small bites, “I’m going to record you entertaining her and send it to EVERYONE on your email list.”

He snorted and set our plates down on the table. “Like everyone on my list doesn’t already know I’m wrapped around Abi-boo’s tiny little finger.” Noticing the mail he separated the piles again and as we ate, and took turns feeding our hungry daughter, started going through the stack.

I saw that the Christmas card was in my pile, which surprised me a little. Everyone I loved had already shared the holidays and presents, but again, it could be a student trying to a little last minute or early sucking up.

“I swear,” Harvey offered, as I was reading over a letter from the college, “even my ‘good’ mail is trash.” I grinned and picked up the heavy envelope.

I didn’t recognize the handwriting or the postmark. Ripping into it, I saw a rather generic card, Santa standing in front of a tree, but realized that it was holding something inside. A folded letter and a photo. Confused, I flipped open the paper, ignoring the card, and saw my own handwriting staring back at me.

“Tali?” Harvey’s voice sounded far away and concerned. “Sweetheart, you’re white as a sheet.”

My hand shook as I read words that I didn’t remember writing, to people named John and Mary. Swallowing hard, I tried to make myself remember who these people could be, from my own hand he was supposedly Abi’s father, but why-

“Tali, honey, please.” I finally looked up, and realized that both Harvey and Abi looked scared. I let out a long breath and shook my head. “What is it, Tali?”

Handing him the letter, I reached out and stroked Abi’s soft curls, wanting to soothe her. Handing her her cup of juice, I noticed the photo that I’d ignored before. Picking it up, I felt like I was on a roller coaster. It showed me, younger, looking like I had during my earliest years teaching, sitting on the lap of a man who looked far too similar to Harvey than I expected. On the back, in the same scrawl as the envelope, was the caption, “John and Tali” along with the year that I’d celebrated my third year of teaching.

The card, I saw, when I felt calm enough to read also bore a message. “Please, Tali, let me explain-” followed by a phone number and the same name signed. “John.”

Harvey waited until we cleaned up our syrup covered little girl and had her occupied on the living room floor before asking me all the same questions that were circling my head. Who was John? Who was Mary? Why would he make contact now?

“I have to-” I took a deep breath and let him pull me onto his lap. “I need to talk to Rowena.” Feeling his lips touch my temple along with his sigh. “I need to know what the hell is going on.”

“We both do,” he added, and I hoped that whatever was coming wouldn’t cost me the happiness I’d found.


	27. Questions, Answers, and A Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I need to copy/paste this somewhere, for this fic alone:
> 
> The line for complaints begins behind JDMsNegan. Also slapping. And the urge to scream.

I waited to contact Rowena. Harvey and I were trying to make sense of WHY this person would choose to contact me now. It made no sense, but I had a flash of fear that he wanted Abi. That she was the reason for his interest. That he wanted the child that we’d created together and this was his way of starting the ball rolling to get her.

Harvey was upset that we didn’t have a last name. I caught him staring at the picture more than I cared to see, but realized that the resemblance was pretty fucking striking. I didn’t KNOW this John person, though, not like I knew Harvey. And, as we tiptoed around how we felt about him making contact now, I didn’t want to know him.

The man I still wanted to marry didn’t hesitate on that first night, after we’d read the letter and stared at the photo, to push Abi’s crib into our bedroom. I could see that he was as scared that John’s interest was in our baby girl too and having her close, under our watchful eyes, made both of us more comfortable. And as he held me, both of us struggling to rest, I felt happy knowing that he wasn’t shying away from me. That he didn’t blame me for this upheaval.

Two days, we let ourselves process for two full days. After we put Abigail in her crib and turned the monitor on so we could watch her sleep, I finally contacted not only Rowena, but Crowley and Castiel too. I wanted to know what the hell was going on, and I wanted all three of them in front of me when I found out.

They came, moments from one another, and saw the letter laying on the table beside the photo. None of them looked thrilled to see the evidence, but I did see them share an uncomfortable look.

“Anyone want to tell us what the fuck this is about?” Harvey asked, voice quiet, but also commanding. “Because I have to tell you, it’s not a fucking welcome surprise.”

Rowena sighed and took the chair closest to me. Taking my hand in hers, she stared into my eyes. Satisfied with whatever she saw, she kept my hand and explained. Cas was pacing, slowly, but I could see him out of the corner of my eye, and Crowley sat on the end of the couch that Harvey and I were curled on.

“The deal you made, Tali-” my eyes widened, what deal? She sighed heavily and looked to her son for support. “Right, that memory was lost as well. Let me begin at the beginning.”

Harvey and I listened as the witch, a dear friend of mine, explained the life and times of Tali Sullivan and her love for a man called John Winchester. How he’d died, as a hunter, but also as a sacrifice for his son named Dean. That he’d taken up hunting after his wife had died at the hands of a demon, the same demon who I made a deal with to bring him back to life. And how, after he’d killed the demon with the help of his son Dean and another called Sam, he knew he’d doomed me for a painful final three months of life. She explained that a sibling of the demon he’d killed had possessed me, taking away nine years of my life and leaving only after the world was on the verge of ending and letting me awaken to my heavily pregnant body with no real memories of those years it had been inside of me. Mary, she explained, was given a second chance, a gift to the eldest son when he stopped the world ending. And I’d gone to my family, had Abigail, and died.

“I-we couldn’t let that stand, my dear,” Crowley offered, as I tried to force the memories back. “But we feared, should you be given a second chance of your own, that you’d yearn for him. That you’d-”

“Make the same mistake twice?” I whispered, trying desperately to find this John Winchester in my mind. “It was purely one sided?” That’s how it sounded, that he wanted my body, but not ME. And that I’d been naive enough to fall head over heels for him.

“No,” Cas finally broke in, his pacing finished for now. “It wasn’t, Tali.” I looked up at him and saw that he looked conflicted. A glance at Rowena and I could see her give a small nod to him. “John loved you, deeply.” I started to argue but he rushed on. “He never thought he deserved you, or your sacrifice, and when he killed Azazel, the demon knowing that its death would mean your pain, he wanted nothing more than to let you go. To find happiness and peace for those nine years you lost, but when you were possessed, it wouldn’t let him.” He knelt in front of me and looked up with the same sad eyes he always seemed to have. “Tali, you meant a great deal to John, you still do. But you pushed him away, and then kept Abigail from him. When he saw you a few months ago-”

“What?” Harvey was staring at me like I’d kept something from him, but I honestly didn’t know what Cas was talking about.

“She doesn’t remember, Harvey,” Rowena offered, her hand still holding mine. “It’s part of the spell, if that letter and photo get removed from this house, by tomorrow she’ll haven’t the faintest idea that she’d ever seen it. This conversation? Gone.”

“You stole them from her?” He sounded shocked, but I wanted to have the peace of not remembering back. The feeling of contentment in thinking that Abi’s father was some vague shadow that was far too unimportant to recall. “And if the letter and pictures stay?”

“Then she’ll keep this conversation, but the memories aren’t there. Not unless she asks me to give them back.” Rowena was staring at me, but I didn’t want it. Not the memories, not the fear that came with them. I shook my head, but Harvey interrupted.

“Tali, sweetheart, don’t be so quick to answer.” He kissed my cheek. “This is Abi’s dad, honey.”

“No,” I answered, more forcefully than I’d sounded for days. “YOU are Abi’s daddy, Harvey. YOU.” I handed the letter, card, envelope, and picture to Rowena. “I don’t want to know him. I don’t care.” I felt Cas tense at my knees. “I’m sorry, but no.”

They left soon after, and Harvey held me as I told him that it didn’t matter. That John Winchester didn’t matter. Only our future, our wedding, our family did.


	28. Peace Reigns, Until It's Interrupted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, did you really honestly think that John Winchester was just gonna go quietly into the night? Or that Harvey Russell wouldn't be expecting him not to?

Harvey, after we said goodbye to our guests, tried to talk to me about my decision to give Rowena the proof that there was a man called John Winchester. He worried that I was letting myself be overruled by emotion, not logic, but I didn’t want to even think about what type of upset letting this man into our lives might cause.

“Honey, he’s Abi’s-” he tilted his head at the glare I shot him before he could finish. “Ignoring the truth doesn’t make it go away, Tali.” 

I shook my head. He had no idea how terrified I really was about the entire situation. “I’m not really ignoring anything, Harvey,” it was his turn to give me a glance that clearly disagreed with my assessment. “I’m NOT.” I took his hand and curled back into his body. “We always knew that Abi had a father out there somewhere, babe, but if we invite him in, if we introduce her to this stranger, what else are we opening ourselves up to? He could ask to be granted custody, or God knows what else.” I put his hand on the barely noticeable bump that had a mini Russell underneath and whispered the one argument to the situation that I felt no one could disagree with, “I kept him away from us for a reason, Harvey, and it must have been a pretty damn good one.”

I woke up in Harvey’s arms, with Abi’s crib next to the bed and felt a sliver of confusion as to why it was there. He felt me stir and offered me a groggy ‘morning’ while pulling me back against him. 

“Why is Abi sleeping in our room?” Whispering since she was still asleep and dawn hadn’t crested yet. 

I listened as he rubbed his face with his free hand and tried to wake up. “You wanted her in here after-” he stopped and his body went completely rigid. “You had a bad dream, moving her in here calmed you down.” I tried to remember having a nightmare, but nothing came to me. “I’ll move it back later, but let’s get some rest, honey.” 

Trying to settle back into bed with him, I felt like he was keeping something from me, but that wasn’t Harvey. He was always honest. Shaking the feeling off, I snuggled back into his warmth and fell back to sleep in his arms. 

Harvey and I shared my office when he was home. We both had laptops, but we also had a desktop and a partners desk that we found during one weekend shopping trip to a few second hand stores. It wasn’t unusual for him to be on one side, reading emails and typing up reports, while I was on the other grading or working out a new take on one of my lectures. Abi had a stash of toys in our office, and she could happily play with her blocks or wooden puzzles while we worked.

After breakfast, with a few days before the new semester was supposed to start, I took Abi to visit my parents. Harvey mentioned he had to do a little digging on a new case and I thought giving him a little space to work in quiet might be nice. Kissing him goodbye at the front door, while Abi told him ‘bye-bye, da-da’, I was smiling by the time I got Abi buckled into her seat in the car. Waving at Harvey watching out the door, we drove the short distance to Mom and Dad’s. 

Visiting for a few hours, watching the flurries of snow kick up again out their bay kitchen window, Mom asked me if Abi could spend the night.

“You and Harvey haven’t had a whole night to yourselves in ages, Tali,” she offered with a smile. “And it won’t be too long before you have two little ones to keep your attention away from one another.” 

I agreed, thinking about how wonderful it had been the first time I woke in his arms. Hugging Abi and promising to tell her daddy that she said night night, I kissed her and put back on my winter weather wear. Mom held her up in the window so she could wave at me as I drove away. And while leaving her behind gave me a worried twist that I couldn’t place, I had butterflies thinking about Harvey and I all alone in our house.

I pulled into our driveway carefully and slowly. The flurries could be deceptive in their fluffy wonder, and crashing the car into our porch wouldn’t make anyone warm and fuzzy. Beeping the doors locked from habit more than fear of thieves, I was getting ready to take the first step up when I heard a deep voice saying my name. 

I turned and saw Harvey coming toward me from a strange truck that must have pulled in behind me. I was confused until he got closer and then I could tell that this man wasn’t Harvey, he was nearly the same, but the differences were there. More rugged, less southern, and far more dangerous looking which was absurd. He must be one of Harvey’s distant relations. 

“I’m sorry,” I offered, getting cold from standing in the chilly afternoon air. “You must be here to see Harvey.” Moving my foot onto the first step, the man touched my arm and I could swear I felt his warmth through my heavy coat. 

“Tali, you didn’t call,” I felt my mouth drop open and didn’t know what to say. “The letter, didn’t you get my letter?” 

I didn’t have to answer because the front door opened and Harvey rushed forward to help me up the steps and away from his- cousin? “John,” he greeted, and I tried to smile, so he did know the stranger. “I don’t think you were invited.”  
“Who the hell are you?” The stranger asked, and I felt like the entire world had gone insane. How did Harvey’s cousin NOT know Harvey? “And why the fuck do you look like me?”


	29. The Past Has a Way of Slamming Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blah blah blah.... So much angst.

Harvey felt my first real shiver from the cold, and helped me onto the porch. He pushed me toward the front door and promised that he’d be right behind me. I didn’t want to leave him alone with this John person, but Harvey knew guns and standing near one another, they were well matched physically.

I watched from behind the closed door, catching a word here and there, both men gesturing toward me and glares being tossed in both directions. Harvey was clearly telling the other man to go, that he wasn’t welcome, but I heard the stranger say Abi’s name and my blood ran cold.

Opening the door, I stepped back out, still in my winter coat and gloves. “Did you say ‘Abigail’?” I asked, staring down at the man who still hadn’t taken a step onto the porch. “How do you know my daughter’s name?”

“You mean OUR daughter, Tali,” and as I stared in horror at this man making such a completely ridiculous claim, he didn’t see Harvey’s fist coming until it made contact with the side of his face. Before he could retaliate, I yelled for the both of them to stop.

“I don’t know who you are, or why you’d make something so completely horrible up, but you need to leave. Now.” He stood his ground and I did something I hadn’t allowed myself to do for a long time. I prayed for Cas.

He was beside me in a flash of light, eyes only on me, so he missed the two men staring one another down with clenched fists. “Tali?” Cas’ voice held concern and confusion. “What’s wrong?”

“You knew where she was?” It was the strange John that growled at my guardian angel. “You knew she was here, alive and well, raising MY fucking daughter?”

He didn’t take the first menacing step toward Castiel because Harvey blocked his path. “Think of that first punch as a warning,” he glared down at his doppelganger. “The next is gonna hurt a shit ton worse.”

Castiel was trying to keep my attention focused on him. “Tali, you need to calm down,” easier said than done, my stomach was in knots. “Think of-” his hand touched my coat where it covered the tiny one growing inside of me. “Please?”

I could feel his angelic power giving me a tiny shred of peace, but I was still worried that Harvey would be hurt. “Harvey? Come in the house with me, babe, please?” I wanted to lock this stranger and his anger out. I wanted to have my future husband holding me as we watched his truck drive away.

“Let me see our ‘guest’ out, sweetheart, and I’ll be right behind you.” Harvey promised, but John looked like it would take a LOT to ‘see’ him out. “Go, Tali, I’ll be right in.”

I watched him give Castiel a sidelong look, and the angel was helping me back over the threshold, shutting the door behind us. “We need to call Rowena, Tali, now.”

I called the witch, Harvey was still outside when I heard her Scottish lilt added to the noise of their voices outside. Sighing, but knowing that Cas would probably restrain me to keep me calm if I tried to join them, I tried to make myself busy with making tea.

“Tali?” I didn’t turn toward the voice, afraid that it didn’t belong to Harvey. Then his arms wrapped around me and his lips were on my ear. “We’re at a stalemate, honey.” I sighed, wondering what the hell we were going to do, other than call the police and have this weird man removed. “Rowena has an idea.”

I turned in his arms and buried my face in his shirt covered chest, letting the beating of his heart and the scent of him calm me. “What’s the idea?”

Rowena, it seemed, wanted to give me back a part of my life that I asked to be removed. At least temporarily. Just long enough for me and John to sit down and talk. Well, that’s what I agreed to, anyway. Anything to get him out of my hair and my life back to normal.

She touched my forehead, whispered words that I didn’t catch, and stared into my eyes to watch for the dawning of my memories to return. I felt every single piercing pain of loving John Winchester come rushing back in a flood. The first kiss, the last goodbye, every speck of any moment that we’d ever had all returned in living color. I felt like the air had been knocked out of me, and that I was dying all over again.

Tears streaming down my face, I watched as Harvey called for my first real love to walk back into my life. And I knew, it changed nothing. Not how I felt for Harvey, not how he felt for Mary, but definitely how Abi’s life may change from this moment on.

Harvey refused to leave me, and for that I was more grateful than I could say. Holding my hand, he gestured for John to take a chair close, but not near enough to touch. Harvey’s thumbs brushed my tears away and he gave me a soft reassuring kiss, and when I turned back to John i noticed his fists were still clenched.

“How’s Mary?” I asked, thinking that reminding him of his wife and her return to the land of the living was worth the dig and would cool his irritation off. It didn’t have any effect on him, but I didn’t really care.

John didn’t look comfortable. He looked like a caged animal who wanted to pace and growl, but he managed to hold it in. Thinking about Harvey’s reaction on the porch, I thought it was a good idea myself.

“She’s fine.” He was glaring at Harvey’s hand curled protectively around my stomach, and he didn’t look all that happy about the way I was curved into his body. “Why did you purge-”

I gave a harsh chuckle that stopped him. “Why did I get rid of my memories of you and your family?” I wanted him to understand that to me, HIS family and MY family were completely opposite. “It made coming back more bearable. I wanted a fresh start, or fresher start.” I bit my lip. “And I have one, John, I have a new lease on life. A peaceful life.”

He sat back as if I’d punched him, as though my words hit harder than Harvey’s fist. “With him?” He gestured at Harvey with a just of his chin. I nodded as I felt Harvey’s grip tighten on me. John gave a soft snort. “He could BE me, Tali.”

I raised an eyebrow. “No, he couldn’t.” I knew that John was basing his belief on the way they looked, but that wasn’t the only thing I saw in Harvey. “Harvey loves me completely, John, not because I sacrificed anything for him. Not because he watched me grow up and saw my crush grow. Harvey loves me. He loves Abi. But the real difference between you and Harvey?” He was staring at me like he was seeing me for the very first time. “I’m Harvey’s Mary.”

I saw John’s Adam’s apple bob from the hard swallow he had to take. “That’s not fair, Tali.” I had trouble hearing him, he was so quiet. “I told you that-”

“That you loved me just as much as her?” I offered, fully capable of remembering every word he’d ever said to me now. “That you’d love me until I took my final breath? That I would be your ruin?” I nodded. “But you didn’t, John, not really. You didn’t want to see that I wasn’t even there those nine years you had me. That I wasn’t even THERE when you helped create Abi. You didn’t fight Castiel, did you? When I had him tell you not to come, not to visit, not to try to see her?” I shook my head and squeezed Harvey’s hand for strength. “You have Mary, John. You have Dean and Sam. You have the life you always wanted, the life that you saw when the djinn took you. Let me have Abi and Harvey. Let me have the life I want. I never asked you for anything, not really, but I am now. Leave us alone, let her have a father that has loved her since the first moment he laid eyes on her.”

His eyes were tight and I felt a tug of my own pain at hurting him. I just couldn’t let him back in. I couldn’t. “She’s my blood, Tali.” I huffed out a tiny breath of disbelief. “She is, and you-” he closed his eyes to gather his words. “You meant more to me than you think.”

“If I did?” His eyes met mine. “If you’re telling the truth and I meant so much, John, then let me and Abi go.” It hurt me more than I wanted to admit to, to push him away, but I had to. For my own sanity and his. “Let us have our new life, please?” I was begging, and I knew he could hear it in my voice.

“Can I see her?” Bargaining, John Winchester was trying to bargain. “Just once, Tali? Let me see my little girl and say goodbye?”

I agreed, but told him that it would have to wait until the next day. She was with her grandparents and I didn’t want John to have a punch to the other side of his face courtesy of my dad. Agreeing to meet the next day, in a neutral spot, John left even as I watched him struggle not to reach for me.


	30. Hello/Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JDMsNegan let the slapping commence...NOW.

So much for a quiet evening alone with Harvey, I thought with a sigh as we listened to John’s truck leave. I sat in the living room, waiting for Harvey to come back from locking our front door, thinking about how much I wanted the memories gone again.

“You know,” Harvey offered as he sat down and tugged me onto his lap. “I have resources that could make him disappear from the face of the earth, completely and totally, and no one would be the wiser.” He was nuzzling into my neck by the time he finished and I felt a laugh erupting from me. “No more worry or fear, and you could keep the memories.”

He punctuated the last bit with a sharp bite to my pulse and I moaned. Maybe our evening wasn’t as ruined as I’d thought. “You’d do that? You’d get rid of him?” I didn’t want him to, of course, but I wasn’t going to lie and say the possessive and defense of my feelings wasn’t a turn on. He growled his confirmation into my skin and I gasped when I felt how hard he was under me. “I never thought I’d think someone offering to kill for me would turn me on-”

I turned, straddling him and letting our mouths meet for a hungry and searching kiss. The noises we were making were almost animalistic. Growling and moaning, whimpering and pleading without words. We were naked in no time and still locked together on the couch, being far rougher than we’d ever tried to couple before.

I was still on top of his lap when we finished hours later, shaking and holding one another, I felt him smile into my neck. “I should threaten to kill more assholes,” I gave a breathless laugh and shook my head. “That was-” He tugged on my hair that was still clutched in his fist so I could meet his eyes. “Shit, Tali, that was fucking amazing.”

Leaning forward to lick into his mouth, I felt his body twitching under me. “And to think, we have ALL night to keep going.”

Neither of us was ready for the morning to come. It wasn’t only that our night was over, it was that I’d have to see John again. That Abi was going to meet and say goodbye to him, in public, because I was a coward. I couldn’t deny that a part of me wanted to ask my parents to do the meeting for me. That they could stare him down, make sure he kept his word, and then walk away without a single flinch at the agony the ordeal could cause him.

I couldn’t do that though. For one, Abigail was MY daughter. I couldn’t have her meet her biological father without me holding her, showing her that she was safe and mommy was with her. For another, I wanted to see her reaction when she sees him for the first and only time. A memory that I may choose to keep, since I was starting to agree with Harvey that pretending John didn’t exist had solved nothing.

And I wanted to see his face, when he saw the little girl he had a hand in conceiving. To see if he’d be as smitten by her as Harvey had been, or if he would be able to walk away easily, his curiosity fulfilled.

My parents brought Abi home close to lunchtime. Harvey and I told them everything, and I watched as my dad looked as angry as he had when he’d learned about the deal I made to bring John back. Mom didn’t rage, she just stared at Abi playing on the floor, completely innocent to what was coming.

“What if he doesn’t-” she closed her eyes and fought down the fear that flashed for a moment. “He could still fight for her, Tali.”

“He won’t,” Harvey said with such authority that we all looked at him. “The case I was working on while you all visited yesterday?” We waited. “I wanted more intel on John Winchester. Trust me, he won’t fight, because I can make his life very fucking uncomfortable if he tries.”

Mom helped me dress Abi for her first visit and last visit with John. A warm dress, thick tights, and tiny boots with her abundant dark curls held back in a bow headband, she was as cute as a doll. I packed up her diaper bag, adding not only snacks, but a change of clothes as well. And then, as Mom carried her downstairs and I handled the bag, I wondered how this meeting would really go.

Harvey was already in his coat and I let out a relieved sigh. I was worried that he’d stay behind, that I’d have to go it alone. He took the bag from me so I could put on my own coat and gloves, then Mom handed our little girl to me, and my parents said they’d wait for us to get back. I buckled Abi in, then took my seat beside Harvey.

“Thank you,” I said, taking his hand once he started out toward the main road to town. “I was afraid I’d have to go alone.”

“Nope,” he turned to smile at me before returning his attention to the road. “You’re not alone, Tali, you’ll never be alone again.”

I’d asked that John meet us at a small place near my campus. It was less diner and more homey than most places, part coffee shop, part eatery, but with the comfortable sofas and tables, it would do for today. He was waiting when we walked in, with Mary by his side and I nearly walked right back out, but Harvey’s lips against my ear helped me forward.

“He needed someone to be beside him too, darlin’.” I nodded, and straightened my back. Abi was pulling on my braid, and I smiled down at her. “Abi-boo, you’re gonna meet someone who looks a lot like daddy,” he was saying, his voice still low. “But don’t worry, mommy and daddy are right here, princess.”

“Tali,” John offered with a soft affection I wasn’t expecting once we were within reach. “Harvey.” He practically spit the name out.

“John,” Harvey replied, and a glimpse from the corner of my eye told me he was amused by the greeting. “This must be your WIFE, Mary?” I bit my lip to keep from laughing.

“Yes,” she said, her eyes on me, but I just nodded absently. “Hello, Tali.”

I gave another nod, and moved to the nearest seat, a chair to sit on while I took Abi out of her coat. “Hello,” I was smiling at my little girl as she grabbed my hair again. “Abigail, let’s say hello to John,” I turned her to face the couple that had seated themselves on the sofa in front of us. “And Mary,” I added, begrudgingly.

Abi was shy, but she was also confused. Harvey was behind me, his hand on my shoulder and I had to sigh when she looked back at us, her eyes on her daddy trying clearly to understand. “It’s ok, Abi-bear,” Harvey assured her, moving so he could kneel beside her. “Daddy’s right here.”

I saw John tense up, but Mary’s hand met his knee and I smiled. “It’s confusing for her,” I whispered, looking into John’s eyes. “Since you two look a bit alike.”

“Just a bit,” he ground out. But his eyes fell to Abi’s tiny self and he softened before my eyes. “She’s beautiful, Tali.” I kissed her curls as Harvey made her giggle by pulling silly faces. “She looks like you.”

I felt Harvey’s hand on my ankle, reminding me to stay calm because I knew he could feel me go completely stiff at the compliment. “She’s perfect,” I answered, and forced the conversation back to Abigail and away from anything that could be dangerous to my sanity. “She’s learning more words by the day. She loves Elmo,” I grimaced, thinking about how much she loved the red puppet. “And her laugh makes the world light up.”

“May I?” It was Mary who asked, her arms reaching for my daughter, and Harvey’s hand squeezed my ankle to calm me again.

“Only if she allows it,” I offered, waiting to see if Abi would. She was still focused on her daddy, but seeing the older blonde woman reaching for her, she tilted her head to consider. A look to me for some indication for what to do, and I had to smile.

Abigail let Mary take her from me, but she didn’t look convinced about the woman who was holding her and cooing. I watched as John tentatively reached out his hand to touch her soft curls and waited to see Abi’s reaction. When his hand touched her head, her focus turned to him and I could see her confusion. She didn’t cry or fuss, but she couldn’t make sense out of the man who was sitting beside the strange woman who held her and looked so much like her daddy.

Her patience lasted longer than I expected though. Even as I sat waiting for her to fuss, listening as John and Mary quietly spoke with my daughter, Harvey’s hand never left my leg. The first hint of upset, which I knew would come eventually, had him reaching for her.

“Dada,” she murmured, burying her tiny face in his neck. “Dada go.” She was done. Tired of the new people, wanting the comfort of her normal routine.

“In a second, sweetheart,” Harvey soothed, his hand patting her back. “We have to be polite and say goodbye, don’t we?”

I stood next to my family as John and Mary rose to their feet. “Thank you, Tali,” Mary again, reaching out a hand for me to shake, but I ignored it. I wasn’t planning on making friends with the two of them. I was here to fulfill my part of a negotiation to get back to my life. “She’s beautiful and sweet.”

“I know.” I answered, as Harvey was still talking gently to our daughter. “Abi, honey?” She pulled away from his neck to look at me. “Can you say bye bye to John and Mary?”

She barely turned to them and offered a small wave and a quiet “Bye.” Then she was back facing Harvey as asking to go.

I turned to go with them, but John’s hand on my elbow stopped me. “Tali,” low and pleading, I turned to face him with a sigh. “I wish-”

“Goodbye, John.” I offered, pulling away. “Have a great life with YOUR family.”

And then, head held high, I walked away from my past and toward my future.


	31. The Calm Before the...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone really think that only ONE Winchester would visit? (And no, I'm not counting Mary...:P)

My parents seemed relieved when Harvey and I walked back into our house. He had Abi cradled into his chest, she’d fallen asleep on the ride home, exhausted from the visit and the lull of the car’s movement. I helped him take off her coat, trying to keep from waking her, and then brushed a kiss on her forehead before he took up back upstairs to her nursery.

“How did it go?” Dad asked, as I took off my own outerwear. I sighed, thinking that while it went well, it was still nerve wracking.

I led the way into the kitchen, wishing I’d taken the time to buy pastries from the place we’d met John and Mary. Getting the coffee on for Harvey and my parents, and popping a cup of water into the microwave for my own tea, I thought about my dad’s question. How had it gone?

“Fine,” I answered, pulling the tea tin down from the cabinet. “It went fine.”

I felt Harvey press into me as I started at the microwave timer ticking down. “Better than fine,” he propped his chin on the top of my head and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Tali kept her cool, she let them hold Abi, and then she said her goodbyes and walked away with her head held high.” Moving his chin, his lips pressed into my hair.

“Mary was there?” Mom sounded shocked. Both of us nodded. “That takes some nerve.”

I shrugged, taking my cup from the microwave when it dinged. Dropping my teabag into the hot water, I reached for three cups. Harvey took the initiative to pull away and fill them, and then I took my cup and another to the table where my parents sat waiting.

As I waited for my tea to seep into the water, I watched my parents have a complete conversation with only their eyes and chuckled. When they looked at me, I was smiling. Harvey took my hand and I let our fingers link. “A really wise man told me that John needed someone with him, since it was a tense situation.”

“Wise?” His dimples were teasing me, but the twinkle in his eyes made my heart skip a beat. “I just think he was afraid that you’d finally hit him like-”

“Like you did?” I giggled as my dad gave Harvey a look of approval. “That was yesterday, when he showed up here, Dad.”

Harvey was grinning into his first sip of coffee at the happy memory. I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter, none of it does. I kept up my end of the bargain, now he can.”

And for the most part, John did keep his end up. He didn’t visit. He didn’t try to call. He did, however, write to Abi. Almost a letter a week, sometimes more. Cards, letters, and then gifts. As though, in her, he could rectify the fuck up he had in raising the boys.

I didn’t toss any of it, not the gifts or the letters. Instead, I packed them into a chest, telling Harvey that Abi could make up her mind about him when the time came. He looked like he agreed, and the months ticked past getting us closer to our second baby’s arrival.

I was still teaching, but it was during my last class that more of my past decided to make an appearance. Dean and Sam, sitting at the top of the classroom, just inside the door as they had when they showed up to tell me John was missing all those years ago. And just like that time, I didn’t pause or acknowledge them during my lecture. Keeping up with the thread of my subject, I talked until it was time to say ‘goodbye’ to my students.

“Now, as you all know, I’m about to start my maternity leave.” The smiling faces that greeted the announcement made it easy to go on. My hand fell to my very obvious bump, and I moved away from the lectern. “You only have two more weeks of this class. And while I hate to force you to watch my lectures online, and I truly hate having to read all of your homework via email, it’s a small price to pay. You’ll still meet in this room for your final, which will be proctored by one of the many TAs running around campus.” Smiling around the room, I sighed a little. “If you plan on continuing your studies in this field, then I’ll see you in the fall. Have a good summer!”

With that they were dismissed, a few of my more eager students stayed behind to wish me well, but then even they were gone. As I started to gather up my belongings, knowing that Harvey would be by soon enough with Abi to get me home and settled in for the wait, I could see the Winchester boys start down to me.

“Dean,” I offered when they got closer. “Sam.” A small tip of my head, but my hands stayed busy gathering up anything that I didn’t want tossed in my office. “Kind of shocked it took you two so long to come visit.”

I was surprised. I knew that if John had found me, these two couldn’t have been far behind.

“Yeah,” Sam looked a bit uncomfortable, “if you want us to go-”

“You look good, Tali,” Dean cut in, his eyes raking over me and landing on my bulging stomach. “Happy.”

I smiled, and my left hand landed on the upper curve of my baby’s current residence absently, causing the diamond to flash on my ring finger. “I am. Happy that is.” I heard the classroom door open and my little girl calling out ‘mommy’ excitedly. “Ah, I think this is who you two really wanted to see.”

Harvey was carrying a wiggling little girl, still tiny but also full of two year old energy down the stairs, trying to calm her down so she didn’t fall. Once his feet hit the floor, he leaned down to release her and she charged at me, wrapping her arms around my legs and nearly knocking me over. “Sorry, sweetheart, she’s been on the go and asking when we could come get you for HOURS.” He was smiling as he ‘complained’. “I mean, she made me miss Elmo’s World,” I had to laugh as my hands combed through her curls.

“Harvey, come meet John’s sons.” He approached, no wariness in his face since he could see how calm and easy I was in their presence. “Abi?” She tilted her head up and I saw that she’d put her thumb in her mouth when she finally realized that I wasn’t alone. It was her coping mechanism for dealing with the attention from strangers, and I booped her nose to get her to smile around it. “You want to say hi to Sam and Dean?” Her eyes were wide, but her smile held.

Harvey reached down for her again, knowing that I was more unwieldy by the day. “I know you,” he said, his own eyes going wide when he faced Dean. “Bret Michaels, wasn’t it?” I grinned, thinking that it wasn’t a huge surprise that Harvey had met a hunter or two in his line of work. “After meeting John, you calling me ‘dad’ makes a hell of a lot more sense.” He offered his hand and Dean stared at it for a beat before taking it. “Tali, this guy,” he shook his head. “Well, let’s just say that meeting him was an experience.”

“I bet it was,” I offered, finishing up with my packing. “Abi, say hello to the boys.” I looked up in time to catch her offer it around her thumb. “Sweetie, take out your thumb, please, and say it so they can hear it.”

She did, and I watched her brothers smile and offer their own greeting to the tiny person in Harvey’s arms. “Jesus, Tali, she looks just like-” Dean breathed, his hand reaching out and smiling when she took it in her tiny fist. “I thought she’d end up with your hair.”

Another laugh left me. “Well, maybe this one will,” Harvey’s eyes met mine and I saw how deep his dimples were. “If you’d like,” I wanted to ask Harvey first, but he seemed to know what I was going to say and his nod kept me going. “You could have dinner with us, it’ll give you some time to get to know her.”

Both of John’s sons looked shocked at the invitation, but recovered quickly and accepted. Harvey gave them our address, telling them that I should be home resting, and then we all went our own ways. He took my bag and the box of my school things after handing Abi to me. Unlike when he’d brought her into the classroom, she didn’t wiggle or fight my holding her. Instead she buried her head into my shoulder and sighed.

“Long day, princess?” I whispered into her curls, but she didn’t answer, I could feel her thumb return to her mouth and hoped that inviting her big brothers to dinner wasn’t forcing undue stress on her. “Let’s get home and mommy will get you a pouch of your favorite gummies?” I felt her nod, and smiled.

Dinner wasn’t strained. Or awkward. Or weird at all. In fact, Harvey was far more relaxed around Dean and Sam than he’d ever been around John. Talking about Abi, about teaching, about how my life had returned to me kept us occupied during our meal.

Sam was on the living room floor, helping his sister build a tower with her blocks as Dean watched with a small smile. Harvey had me cradled back against his chest, our fingers linked and hands over my bump. Our little guy was kicking up a storm and one particularly hard movement had me hissing.

“Mommy?” Blocks and giant brother abandoned, Abi rushed over and put her hand under mine and Harvey’s. “Broder hitting again?” I smiled at her concern. One she had begun showing more and more after her second birthday a month earlier. Her little face got very close to my belly and she hummed one of her favorite songs. The Elmo’s World theme. “No hitting,” she whispered, and then kissed my bump and went back to her blocks.

“She’s protective.” Dean said, smiling at her bouncing curls. “Think that’s a family trait?”

“Only if she goes overboard,” I offered, smiling as she chattered at Sam, showing him where she wanted each block to go. “Bossy too, now that I KNOW is a family trait.”

We said goodbye to them as night fell. Abi kissing her new giant friend, Sam, on the cheek and then offering her small hand to Dean. “Why do the ladies always like you more, Sammy?” He winked at Abi and made her giggle. “I hope we can-”

“Anytime,” I offered, and Harvey agreed. “I think she likes the two of you.”

“Course she does,” Dean offered, swagger returning with a vengeance. “What’s not to like?”

Harvey was laughing as he took Abi back in the house, giving me a moment alone to say goodbye. “Thank you both.” I said, smiling up at them. “I know it wasn’t easy to NOT come before now.”

“We didn’t want to force it, Tal.” Sam was smiling down at me. “It was always your choice.”

Dean nodded, then pulled me into a hug. “I still have your letter, Tali.” It was a breath in my ear, and I jerked my head to show I’d heard him. “I missed you.” He pulled away and I brushed an errant tear away. “It’s weird as fuck to see you with a guy who looks exactly like-”

I slapped his arm and the sadness washed away. “Looks can be deceiving,” I hugged Sam and when I pulled away, I was smiling. “Besides, who says only men can have a ‘type’.”

I waved to them from the porch as they drove away in the Impala. And I felt more content knowing that Abi would have her brothers coming and going. She should have all the love in the world. And Dean and Sam would be more than willing to show her that love.


	32. Routines and Arrivals

Our new routine, now that I was home and being watched for ANY sign that our baby was about to make his grand debut, was pretty damn amazing. Harvey never really took vacation time before we met, and he had stockpiles of it along with his own parental leave, so he and I revelled in our time together with Abigail. Aside from the papers that my students sent that needed to be graded, and the reports he had to file, most of our days were spent sitting together, inside or on the porch, while Abi explored under our careful watch.

Letters and gifts kept coming from John, and Mary I suspected, and each one was tucked carefully away for Abi to deal with when the time came. Her big brothers checked in almost daily, and listening to them try to carry on full conversations with her and hold her attention for longer and longer became one of my favorite parts of the day.

Harvey would let them know any updates on me and our impending arrival, then I would get to say goodbye and promise that we’d let them know when the baby came. Castiel was on standby, fearful that he wouldn’t be called to stand with us when I gave birth for a second time. And Rowena and Crowley were on pins and needles as well. Only my parents were taking it in stride.

“There’s no point in worrying,” Mom reminded Harvey as he was going over his checklist for the mad dash to the hospital when the time came. “You’ll be fine. Just don’t forget the most important part.”

Harvey nodded and replied with, “having a fully gassed up car and her go bag.”

Mom and I shared a look, trying not to laugh. “Or,” she offered, getting him to look up from his list, “maybe, Tali?”

He blanched, realizing that I wasn’t on the list, apparently. “It’s kind of hard to give birth without the actual mother around, babe.” And that did it, Mom and I laughed long and hard as my dad commiserated with my baby-daddy.

It happened so close to the due date my doctor had first given us, that Harvey joked he should have given odds and won some money. He argued with me about taking the time to drop off Abi at my parents, fearful that I’d pop in the car, but gave in when I reminded him that it had taken hours for her to come out. Then off to the hospital, legs in stirrups, and my extended family surrounding us in the family delivery room I insisted on.

Cas held one of my hands, while Harvey had the other, and Rowena had taken her former spot at my head. Crowley, watched from the corner by my bed, and together they kept me from freaking out and giving in to the pain. Of course, that could just have been Cas and Rowena’s special help, but soon the sounds of our son’s cries were echoing through the small room. Harvey’s eyes were flush with tears as he went with the nurse to cut the cord, and Rowena was kissing my temple and telling me how good I’d done. Cas and Crowley were beaming as an angel and demon only could, having added to their roles as ‘uncles’ once more.

“Have you chosen a name?” Crowley asked, coming closer once I’d been cleaned up a bit and our little boy was cradled in my arms.

I smirked up at Harvey and saw how wide his smile had grown. “Caelum Jayson Russell,” Harvey offered, kissing the red hair that crowned the tiny head of our son.

“Caelum?” Cas’ eyes grew wide. “You’re naming him after the heavens?”

“I’ve lived through hell, Cas, only to find heaven.” I whispered, drinking in the tiny form snuggled against me. “It seemed perfect.”

“Aye,” Rowena said, her hand cupping Caelum’s head. “It is.”

My parents came soon after, Abi in Dad’s arms and looking fit to burst with excitement. Caelum had been fed, dressed, and was wearing the tiny hat and mitts on his hands so he wouldn’t scratch himself. I watched with a smile as our daughter stared at her baby brother with the wonder only a two year old could possess.

Harvey propped her up in the soft chair near my bed, adding a pillow to her lap, and helped her hold her little brother for the first time. I watched as he knelt in front of our children, whispering to Abi about how good she was doing as a big sister, and how much Caelum loved her. She was whispering back to her daddy, mimicking his voice so the baby wouldn’t fuss, and then I felt like my heart would explode when she leaned forward and kissed his soft head.

“They’re beautiful,” Mom offered, watching my tiny family bonding nearby. She’d taken out a camera and was capturing the moment, and I realized that Dad had his phone out recording it.

We were all home a day later. The fridge stocked with enough reheatable food so we didn’t have to worry about meals, and enough drinks and snacks on hand to make unnecessary errands avoidable. Flowers, multiple vases of flowers greeted me when we walked inside, and Harvey shrugged as my parents greeted us with Abi hot on their heels.

“It looks like a funeral home in here,” I whispered, and shut my eyes at the darkness of that joke. “Sorry. Lots of flowers.” Lame, Tali, so very lame.

Mom shook her head and helped get me settled in my regular seat on the sofa as Harvey came behind carrying Caelum. “Yes, well, everyone seemed to want to greet you with blooming flowers.” She picked up a stack of the tiny cards that must have come with the bouquets, along with larger cards and handed them to me. “I wrote which arrangement came from whom on the back of the cards.” Then she went toward the kitchen, telling us that she was making lunch.

Harvey grinned at me as I took in the pile. “Let’s see who loves you so much, sweetheart.”

I had one from Dean, one from Sam, Crowley, Cas, and Rowena all sent an arrangement each, although Ro’s was lavender and chamomile to help keep us calm and serene with our new bundle. John and Mary had sent a card, which I dutifully handed to Harvey to share. I had one from my parents, one from the college, a few from the businesses I’d become a frequent face in. Abi’s daycare had sent us a card, as had Harvey’s boss and some of his coworkers. The amount of well wishes was something new for me, since Abi’s birth had been so secretive. Yet, even John and Mary’s made me feel warmth.

Abi came back in and crawled onto the couch with us, smiling as I pulled her onto my lap. “I missed you, princess,” I offered, kissing her forehead. “Are you happy that we’re home?”

She giggled as her daddy tweaked her tiny nose and she gently reached out and touched her little brother’s bright hair. “No more?”

I was confused, but Harvey just chuckled. “No more what, Abi?”

“Babies,” she answered, staring up at me so solemnly that I had to fight my own laugh from coming out. “Just us?”

Biting my lip and feeling Harvey’s own mirth vibrate against my side, I nodded. “Yes, Abi, just us. No more babies,” I shook my head and smiled as Harvey’s mouth touched my neck.

“Just practice from here on out,” he murmured against my skin as I felt the curve of his smile.


	33. Bells, Pumpkins, and A Final Word

Maybe it was because I’d had so little time with Abigail after she was born, or maybe because I had Harvey with me every step of the way, but our first six months with Caelum seemed like a breeze. He slept well, fed well, and was one of the calmest babies I’d ever heard of. Abi had upgraded to a toddler bed, Caelum inherited her crib, and it wasn’t rare to wake up to her tiny warm body squeezed between us.

Even when we both went back to work, my mom tried to convince me that Caelum was too little for daycare, and adding that Abi had only a year before she’d begin pre-school, the transition was smooth. Well, smoother than arguing with Mom about why our kids needed to socialize with other children, that is. Abi, having Caelum nearby during her time in daycare, became more of a social butterfly. And our son went with the flow of change so easily that I envied him.

Harvey had insisted on fewer assignments that required overnight travel, so he was home almost every night. Usually picking up the kids and waiting for me with dinner. My classes were as popular as they’d been before I died, and my students were constantly surprising me with their ability to work through the subject matter in new and exciting ways.

During all of this, Dean and Sam visited and called. Abi loved her Sammy, and she learned to roll her eyes from her De-De. Harvey accepted John’s sons as easily as he fit into my own life.

I had more than enough on my plate with a new baby, a precocious toddler, and a man who could make my toes curl with a look or just his voice pitched low. I also had a wedding to plan.

Mom and I worked together on the weekends, Rowena piping in with her own take on how the wedding would look. I’d always wanted a fall wedding, and when I told Mom and Ro my ideas, they both looked impressed, which should have been insulting, but wasn’t.

The dress was easier to find than I expected. As was Abi’s, Mom’s, and Ro’s. A tiny suit for Caelum to match his daddy and, shockingly, Abi’s brothers’. Harvey was a constant surprise to me, telling me that he thought having Dean and Sam stand up with us made sense. Crowley, Cas, and my Dad were involved and I jokingly said that there’d be no actual audience since everyone we loved had a part to play.

Invitations, because we had friends and coworkers to share our day with despite my joke, were sent, and the final touches came together. I didn’t know that Harvey had one more surprise for me, and that was probably for the best, because having a blow up argument on my wedding day wouldn’t have fit into my schedule.

I walked down the leafy path to the altar that was created by nature, two trees close enough to have their limbs entwine, my eyes focused on the man I was about to say “I do” to, again lucky since there were people in the audience that may have forced my ass to turn around and head back in our house. Fallen leaves, reds, oranges and yellows, added to the dark red of the roses and the burnt orange of the tiger lilies that constructed our bouquets. I barely heard the minister’s words, watching Harvey’s smile and mouthed “I love you” kept me occupied. It took less time than anyone could have expected, our rings in place, our vows said, and then cupping my face so gently that one would think he was afraid of breaking me, Harvey’s lips met mine and I felt content to my toes.

We were presented to our guests as husband and wife and that’s when I saw him. And her. And felt a flush of irritation try to force its way into my day, but I shook my head and fought it off. Today was about Harvey and me, nothing more nothing less, but boy oh boy was my husband going to get an earful when the glow wore off.

Our reception was a hit, mostly because our wedding was taking place so close to Halloween that the ambiance as the sun started to dip low was very playful. Bobbing for apples, pumpkin carving/painting, and other games that would be right at home during the holiday. Our cake was cut, finger foods that were strangely filling served, and then the dancing began. Harvey took me in his arms and I smiled into his suit jacket before my eyes landed on John Winchester by the dance floor.

“You know,” I tilted my head back to stare up at my husband. “I’m trying very hard to not be pissed at you right now.”

He bit his lip, but I could see that his eyes were still twinkling like a naughty child. “I wanted him to see that you were happy, and that she’s happy,” I followed his eyes to where Abi was being entertained by her brothers, all three of them. “Closure, Tali, a firmly shut door.”

I stared up at him and knew he meant it, but I also knew John. He hadn’t taken his eyes off me, off us, since I noticed him at the ceremony. “Yeah, that sounds great, babe, but not all Winchester men can take a hint.”

As though to prove my point, John cut in on the third dance I was sharing with my new husband. Forced to behave while surrounded by an audience, I had to let myself be drawn into his arms. He didn’t speak, and neither did I, for the first few seconds. I was wondering if he felt as awkward holding me as I did letting him, but when he spoke I knew he didn’t.

“You’re a beautiful bride, Tali,” I fought against hearing the longing in his voice. “This could have been our day.”

I shook my head. “No, it couldn’t have been, John.” I looked up at him and saw the pain flash across his face. “This never would have been our day. Because I either wouldn’t have had you because I let you stay dead, or I wouldn’t have come back at all.” I sighed, wishing he could understand. “Mary and you were the end game, John, before Azazel took her away. Before he tempted me with you. It was always supposed to be like this.” The song was coming to a close, but I needed him to see what I meant. “Harvey is my hero, my final chapter. I think I would have met him no matter what, sooner maybe, if I’d let you go. Less angst definitely. But then I wouldn’t have Abi.” I saw his eyes find our daughter over my head. “And that’s the only reason you’re here now. Because Harvey wanted you to see it. Us, the four of us, we’re the conclusion. And you? You were just a plot twist.”

I moved away from him and walked purposely to where Abi, her three brothers, and my new husband were clustered around the pumpkin painting table. The past was the past, but this? This was my present and future.

We didn’t go away for a honeymoon. We didn’t need to, with Abi and Caelum to snuggle with after our weekend alone. Both Harvey and I wanted our children to know without a doubt how important they were to us. And so, when we had them back in our arms after two days and nights to play newlyweds, we took them off to the most magical place on earth. Disneyworld, and watched as our princess met the characters from her favorite movies. Caelum might not have gotten the full effect, but Harvey’s whimsical enjoyment along with Abi’s more than made the trip worth it.


	34. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know how Abi, Caelum, Tali, and Harvey lived on...

Harvey and I kept our promise to Abi. The four of us were just the right size family, but we did add a puppy or two. And then she talked us into a few stray cats. I’m still not sure which one of us gave the OK for the rabbit though.

Abigail grew to be more inquisitive and her passion was for all the animals that seemed lonely or orphaned. She brought us birds that had fallen from trees. Once a snake that had been squished near the end of its body. She found utter joy in stories that Harvey told her about mad scientists and their quest to create cures that would solve humanities problems, but instead created creatures or morphed regular animals into beings that sounded more likely to exist in movies or video games.

Caelum was quieter, but no less intelligent. He liked to sit with me and read, and he loved visits with his uncle Cas. Although, honestly, I think uncle Crowley might have been his favorite. I wasn’t surprised when he showed an interest in following in my footsteps, wanting to research and learn as much as he could about the ‘family business’.

Dean and Sam continued to visit, easy additions to the days prior to holidays and listening to Abi try to convince them that she was old enough to date when she turned sixteen was one of my favorite arguments to date. Caelum was just as close to the Winchester men, having no qualms about them being his big brothers too, even without the same genetics.

We gave Abi the chest filled with John’s letters and gifts when she was ten. I didn’t want to overwhelm her too soon, and I also wanted her to be young enough for his presence to be welcome should she choose it. She read through them all, and opened each gift smiling and finding a home for trinkets and stuffed animals in her room. Abi, showing she was far more rational than her mother, took her time in deciding whether or not to let John back into her life. And when she did, after asking for a lunch date alone with her daddy first, she started small. A letter, then a call, and once she felt more comfortable, she asked if she could have him visit.

Harvey took the choice with more calm than I felt. Allowing John back into our lives scared me, but I knew that I’d promised my daughter that it was her choice. I agreed, but asked that he come while I was out. Seeing them bond, watching Harvey have to see it, would be too much. The first couple of visits went the same. I’d get warning, Caelum and I would go to town for the day, and Harvey would call to let me know when he’d gone.

It took a few visits before I decided I wouldn’t rush away. It was our house, why should I run away? Caelum had shown interest in meeting Abi’s ‘other dad’, and I watched with a lump in my throat as she introduced them. I let myself relax when I noticed that Harvey and John had found peace around one another and from that moment, his visits became more frequent and anticlimactic.

Mary came a few times, but Abi didn’t warm to her. I didn’t ask, because Abi’s relationship with John was hers. During a shopping trip when she was around thirteen she confessed to me that she couldn’t look at John’s wife without seeing how hurt I must have been when she came back. I tried to convince her that I was fine, and she shouldn’t let how I felt or had felt taint her own feelings.

“I’m not, Mom,” she offered, her eyes on a very pretty dress. “I just can’t see her without thinking about you dying for him.” Her eyes, a mirror of my own, met mine. “She’s a sad replacement for you.” Shrugging like an average teenager, she asked if she could try on the dress that had caught her eye.

Harvey and I never lost the same rush that hit us when our skin touched. And our kids groaned at us so many times over the years that he took it as a challenge to embarrass them as much as possible.

My parents passed away in a car accident when Abi was seventeen and Caelum had just turned fifteen. It hit us all hard, but the loss brought us even closer together. Crowley, Rowena, and Cas stepped in to fill in our void, and I knew the kids and I appreciated it.

As I’d told John Winchester the day I married Harvey Russell, the four of us were the conclusion to our story. I didn’t know how long it would run, but I knew that my husband and our two kids were what mattered most to me. Everything else was just filler.


	35. Don't Get Your Hopes Up...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for stoking you up for more...I just saw this and it felt like it should be added to this story.

Every now and then, Pinterest shows me a picture or a quote, or a photo with a quote from another show or whatever that just FITS so well with one of my stories that I have to share it. 

This popped up a few times now, and honestly I knew I had to add it to Tali's tale. (Yes, I'm firmly aware it came from JDMs stint on Grey's, but this quote sounds far more fitting to Tali and John's relationship than anything I could have come up with.) 


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